Don’t ask why, but I was idly browsing the Harriet Carter site, a glorious domestic bazzare of gifts for old people and As Seen On TV products, when I stumbled upon the complete failure above.

“Guitar Hero® handheld game packs all the action of the monster video game into a pocket-sized version you can play anywhere!”

O RLY? I bet Free Bird sounds AWESOME on that tiny speaker.  For $17.98 plus shipping and handling, it even has a carabiner, so you can clip it to your belt and walk around with an overpriced piece of plastic shame dangling from your waist.  This is exactly the type of bullshit clueless parents buy their kids,  trying to save a few bucks, only to find it quickly disposed and forgotten.  They could just take their money to GameStop and buy a used copy of the real Guitar Hero for about the same price.

This deserves a spot on my Worst Gifts for Gamers list. Perhaps a Part 2 is in order.

As the site says on its homepage, Etsy is the place to buy and sell all things handmade.  Here is a showcase of some of the coolest geeky gamer jewelry I’ve found there, and the awesome sellers who make it:

Pixelated goodness from an aptly-named seller, Pixel Party offers charm bracelets, cufflinks, earrings, and more in the classic 8-bit style of your favorite video games.

The Gamer Gear Store sells unique-looking hand-sculpted pieces from “all school” video games, as well as other great geeky gear inspired by vintage comics and movies.

The Clay Collection sells super cute miniature polymer clay versions of your favorite video game accessories, hardware, and characters.

For those who want to wear their D20s instead of just rolling ‘em, Candy Corn Studios sells beautiful, wearable art made with the real thing.

I really heart the jewelry that Omegazoid sells.  Simple plastic beads emulate that 8-bit pixel look perfectly.

The two ladies behind Charlie Carter Creations sell awesome clay jewelry based on video games, and other geeky stuff like Futurama, Muppets, and childhood toys.

Know of any other great Etsy sellers, or do you make and sell geeky/gamer jewelery too?  Leave me a link to your store in the comments and I’ll add it to my list!

Following along with Nintendo’s E3 press conference on Twitter, the live reactions were less than enthusiastic.  Well, it’s no wonder with a presenter like this:

Does she look excited about Nintendo to you?

For the most part, Nintendo’s presentation ambled along like an old woman with a bad hip.  The overall experience was so blah, #nintendofail was in danger of becoming a trending topic for a while there.

These were the lowlights:

• Wii Fit Plus - Some minor improvements to Wii Fit, such as omitting wait-times between exercises and the ability to target specific areas.  Riveting!
• Wii MotionPlus - Add-on hardware to make the Wiimote sensors more precise.  Will run you about $20 for something that makes the Wii function the way it’s supposed to.  Oh and by the way, some new games will require it, like Red Steel 2.
  (noticing a trend here with the tacking “Plus” onto everything?)
• Terrible scripted jokes between Bill and Reggie.
• Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: Crystal Bearers - Yet another Final Fantasy title…
• Women’s Murder Club: Games of Passion - New “interactive fiction” game series for DS, adding another nail to the coffin of real adventure games.
• Style Savvy - Yet another brainless pink-packaged game aimed at tweenaged girls.
• DSi circle jerk: over 1M units sold in less than 2 months, and DSi gamers will soon be able to share photos on Facebook.
• Wii Vitality Sensor - Peripheral that monitors pulse rate, nervousness, etc. I don’t even know what the fuck to say about this…

I’m on the fence about:

• Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks - Demo playable at E3 this week, but didn’t like the few screenshots we saw.
• Mario vs. Donkey Kong - Players will be able to design their own levels, gameplay looked kinda fun.
• Golden Sun DS
• WariorWare DIY - Gamers can design their own minigames from scratch & share with friends; kinda neat, I guess.
• Resident Evil: The Darkside Chronicals - Another on-rails shooter from the RE franchise.

But there were a few sprinkles of cool:

• Wii Sports Resort - Basketball, archery, skydiving & more.
• Super Mario Galaxy sequel - yes, yes, yes!  The demo looked awesome, the graphics bright and beautiful.

And then, saving the best for last, Nintendo made up for much of its E3 snorefest with the announcement of…

Metroid: Other M

Okay, seriously, I want this game NOW!

Update: Penny Arcade sums up my feelings exactly.

*Disclaimer: I do not ever say things like “squee” or other words usually belonging to the vernacular of 12 year old  fangirls, but felt the disclaimer was necessary to save me from having to explain myself to idiots who can’t tell when I’m being sarcastic.

Here’s what all the fuss is about:

If the trailer is any indication, I believe New Moon is going to suck and suck hard, but it’s really not the filmmaker’s faults.  My lack of enthusiasm for the movie can be blamed on author Stephenie Meyer’s dreadful source material.  For your convenience, and for my own personal amusement, let’s re-cap Meyer’s super-epic plot to the sequel of Twilight, shall we?

• It’s Bella Swan’s birthday and her vampire friends throw her a party at their digs.
• At the party, Bella gets a paper cut.
• Jasper, one of the newest vampires, can’t control himself when he sees the blood.
• Predictably, he goes into a rage and lunges for Bella.
• Bella’s sexy vampire boyfriend Edward Cullen (pause to swoon here) saves the day…
• …But then tells Bella he must leave her forever in order to keep her safe, then peaces out.
• Bella can’t handle him leaving and goes all emo, borderline suicidal.
• That’s okay though, because there’s yet another sexy guy, Jacob Black, just waiting around to take Edward’s place.
• And Jacob just happens to be a werewolf.
• Jacob tries to get Bella to “drop that zero and get with the hero” but she ain’t havin’ none, and continues to mope around and do reckless things, like ride motorcycles and go cliff diving.
• At some point Jacob the Werewolf saves Bella from Laurent and Victoria, two random vampires turned villians, recycled from the plot of Twilight.
• Then out of nowhere, thanks to some weird, poorly-explained mixup courtesy of Edward’s sister Alice, who can see the future but fucks it up somtimes, Edward thinks Bella committed suicide.
• In true Romeo and Juliet fashion, Edward decides he can’t live without Bella either, and runs off to Italy to kill himself too.
• But Edward’s a vampire, and suicide is easier said than done.  Rather than try to explain about the evil Volturi and the other bullshit secondary characters that Meyer pulls out of her ass when she needs a plot, Edward’s suicide attempt can best be expressed as: DEATH BY SPARKLES.
• Just in the nick of time, Bella saves Edward from exposing himself thus saving him from the Volturi and there’s a big dramatic reunitement scene.
• Some other unimportant crap happens in Italy, then Bella, Edward, and the rest of the vampires return home.
• Bella wants desperately to become a vampire, and so she calls a Superfriends meeting where all the vampires take turns voting on whether or not it should happen.
• And like the ending of Twilight, Meyer recycles the same “does Bella become a vampire or not?” cliffhanger in New Moon.
• The end!

It’s mind-blowing stuff, I know.  If you really want, feel free to read my less than glowing review of the New Moon book over at Amazon.  It’s just all so ridiculous, even for a fantasy book based on vampires.  Most of the book’s 563 pages is spent with Bella, as she pines away for her lost vampire love, and let me tell you, it was hell reading through page after page of this:

“I was not allowed to think of him. That was something I tried to be very strict about. Of course I slipped; I was only human. But I was getting better, and so the pain was something I could avoid for days at a time now. The tradeoff was the never-ending numbness. Between pain and nothing, I’d chosen nothing.”

So by default, New Moon the film should at least be a slight improvement over New Moon the book, if only because the nature of the media spares you the literary torture.  But Hollywood isn’t dumb.  It knows there’s good money to be made by catering to the overzealous female fanbase that made the first film such a success.  Twilight fans want hot vampires, mushy romance, and plenty of Rob Pattinson screen time.  Make no mistake, New Moon will be one big fangirl orgy from start to finish.

But why take my word for it when you can read real reviews of the trailer written by (what I hope are) teenaged girls?

“ok WOW!!! new moon is going to be AH-Mazing, i love kristen’s face when she say ” kiss me” her eyebrow is funny! and the werewolf, i didnt even expect it to be that big, but OMg i love it!! but taylor GOOOOSSH!! i thought he was Hott, now he like fire! but edward was really sad!cant wait! woooo and bella looked eally pretty”

“The part when she got the paper cut and jasper tried to get her but, edward pushed her was so intensed i was like O.O”

“omg omg omg not going to faint but omg. that as freaking awsume. may i faint from how hot jacob is. p.s. i think the wolfy looks friendly”

“OMG! This movie looks even better than Twilight! It’s driving me crazy cause I wanna see it so bad! Idk if I can wait for November 20 to come! Btw: Jacob, so hot!”

Well there you have it.

Pardon the vampire pun, but there’s nothing worse than getting sucked into an awesome new TV show only to find out it has already been canceled.  My latest letdown was over the CBS series Moonlight, a show about a vampire P.I.  living in modern-day Los Angeles who struggles with life, love and his oft-challeneged quest for redemption.  Sounds cheesy, I know, and there’s no shortage of awful vampire shows—even some with strikingly similar premises—but Moonlight was one of the best I’ve ever seen.  I typically don’t watch many TV shows (at least not while they’re still airing), I guess because I hate commercials, waiting a week to find out what happens next, and spoiler-happy assclowns online.  So most of my TV show consumption is done all at once in the form of downloads, DVD, or Hulu, even though watching shows all at once usually means I’m unfashionably late to most fandoms.  Which brings me back to Moonlight…

Forget for a moment that the name of the show is Moonlight, which is a bad idea for several reasons, the most obvious being confusion with Stephenie Meyer’s much lamer Twilight.  Also look past the fact that main character Mick St. John (Alex O’Loughlin) is brutally hot, which much of this show’s popularity with a rabid female fanbase can be attributed to.  Underneath you’ll find an intelligent, action-packed, funny, and yes, romantic supernatural drama with high production value, great direction, and a kickass soundtrack.  As far as vampire lore goes, Moonlight doesn’t deviate too much from conventional mythology, but does throw a few unique and interesting twists into the mix, like silver as a lethal substance, sunlight causing progressive degeneration, and my personal favorite, sleeping in freezers. For the geeks, there’s even a geek vampire with plenty of video game and World of Warcraft references—even a full-blown Leeroy Jenkins battle charge.

Critically it seems Moonlight didn’t fare too well, with many having dismissed the show as silly, or perhaps more detrimental, comparing it to Angel. But it was an obvious hit with fans, having won a People’s Choice Award for Best New Drama, and its ratings were nothing to scoff at. So it’s beyond me why CBS would choose to cancel a good show, especially after claiming there were plans for a second season.  I’m just bitter I started watching it without knowing it was already over.

Fans of the show can sign the online petition to save Moonlight, even though most online petitions are like pisisng into the wind.  As for me, I’ll just have to be content with re-watching the first and only season and mourning the loss of yet another good show that’s gone too soon.

What can you do with $3,000 and a group of dedicated LOTR fans?  Make a kick-ass fan movie, that’s what.  The Hunt for Gollum is a 40-minute fan-made film based on the Lord of the Rings books and movies.  And more importantly, it’s good.  Surprisingly so.

Based on Tolkien’s appendices, The Hunt for Gollum remains true to its source material and fits in nicely with the three official Peter Jackson films.  The story is a prequel of sorts that follows Aragorn on his quest from Gandalf to track down and capture the creature Gollum, who knows the whereabouts of the One Ring.  It takes place before Gandalf returns to The Shire, to warn Frodo of the dangers of his burden.

Everything from the costumes and make-up to the film’s score and acting is well done, and closely mimics Jackson’s style of direction and visual effects.  The fight scenes were epic and well choreographed.  

Even Gollum looks and sounds great:

It’s an impressive accomplishment for such a limited budget (the entire cast and crew worked for free).  Huge props to the filmmakers, who are as talented as they are dedicated.  The film was released today, May 3rd, and is available to watch free online.  You can also check out the making of this epic undertaking here.  Visit www.TheHuntForGollum.com, or click  the banner below.  If you’re a LOTR fan, I highly recommend you go watch it—NOW!

In geeky movie news this month that makes me feel like a fifth-grader again, TMNT co-creater Peter Laird confirmed in Variety rumors of another live-action Turtles movie planned for 2011.  The announcement comes on the heels of TMNT’s 25th anniversary celebration.  Other than making me feel old, I’m also damn excited.  Because in Hollywood, everything I loved growing up in the 1980s is suddenly cool again.  The new Turtles film will be produced by Scott Mednick of Legendary Pictures, who is currently producing the soon to be released Where The Wild Things Are, another live-action fantasy film (which happens to be based on yet another completely awesome thing from my childhood).  And if these screenshots are any indication of what’s in store for the next TMNT, then color me green with excitement.

After the original live-action movie, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles films went from bad to worse, though 2007’s animated TMNT was OK.  Then again, I’m of the opinion that the first Turtles movie is one of the greatest if underrated comic book movies of all time—but I may be a little biased.  I was obsessed with all things Ninja Turtles as a kid.  Like really obsessed.  If it had a TMNT logo on it, I owned it.  I could quote the movies word for word (probably still can).

My wishlist for the new live-action Turtles movie:

• Darker, grittier, edgier Turtles truer to the original Mirage comic books.
• Curse words.  Most TMNT fans have grown up, and so should the movies.
• Sex (if only to satisfy my morbid curiosity). 
• Realstic CGI that doesn’t look like CGI.
• Back to basics origins/roots storyline. (Think Batman Begins.)
• April O’Neil, and anyone other than Paige Turco to play her.
• Blood, weapons, and graphic violence.
• Moar Raphael.*

Things I could live without:

• Shell-tastic turtle puns.
• Any character who exists solely in the Archie comics series.
• No Venus.
• Random kid-who-meets-the-Turtles character (a’la Keno in Turltes II, and later Yoshi in Turtles III).
• Any storyline involving time travel.
• A Turtles-themed rap song.
• A PG rating.
• Cowabunga.

The sucky part about all this?  Waiting two years.

*Raphael is still the coolest turtle, and if you don’t agree with me, I’m not sharing my Ninja Turtles fruit snacks with you.

There’s been a disturbing trend in Hollywood over the last couple of years: invasion of the emos.  Aparently we girls like our movie heroes hot, angry, and whiny.  For whatever reason, the hot male lead + pent-up angst formula seems to be working, because emo sells.  All of the specimens listed here can typically be found staring soul-searchingly out from the pages of Tigerbeat, or starring unwillingly in the steamy chapters of Mary Sue fanfics written by obsessed teenage girls.

Edward Cullen

‘Twilight’ 2008

Most emo line:
“I don’t have the strength to stay away from you anymore.”

Favorite emo accessory:
A well-tailored custom peacoat.

Recognizable by his brooding stares, perfectly disheveled hair and stalker tendencies, Edward Cullen is a product of the romantic fantasies of 30-something author Stephanie Meyer, who would like you to believe he’s a dangerous vampire despite not drinking human blood and having no fangs.  Edging out Buffy’s Angel in “the vampire who wants to be good” market, Edward Cullen is a vampy hero who spends the majority of his time obnoxiously torturing himself over his human love interest, the perpetual damsel-in-distress Bella Swan.  Superficially played by Robert Pattinson, who never read the books and never misses an opportunity to make fun of his own sculpted-browed character.

Harry Potter

‘Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban’ 2004

Most emo line:
“HE WAS THEIR FRIEND!!!”

Favorite emo accessory:
An invisibility cloak, to hide his spontaneous fits of crying.

There is perhaps no hero more emo than boy-wizard Harry Potter, who, among other things, struggles with school, girls, dead parents, abusive relatives, and an evil dark wizard who constantly tries to murder him.  In a way, his emo-ness is probably the most justified.  Some of Harry’s favorite activities include mouthing off to teachers and Slytherins, alienating his two best friends, staring longingly at pretty Hogwarts girls, and wallowing in the “nobody understands me” variety of self-pity.  Played by Daniel Radcliffe, whose acting (thankfully) seems to be getting better with each movie.

Anakin Skywalker

‘Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith’ 2005

Most emo line:
“Nooooooooooooooooooo!”

Favorite emo accessory:
A lightsaber, for murdering Jedi children.

Better known as Darth Vader, Anakin Skywalker is the tragic antihero of the Star Wars universe.  Played by a young and virile Hayden Christensen, Darth Vader’s youth is a far cry away from the crusty old white man unmasked in the orginal Episode VI.  Unfortunately Christensen’s acting kinda sucks, so his verbal transition to the dark side is often ripe with unintentional humor.  Anakin’s favorite hobbies: disagreeing with the Jedi Council, chillin’ with Darth Sidious, brooding over visions of Padme dying (then later helping the process along by choking her—with his MIND), and whining because he wasn’t bestowed the title of Jedi Master.  Now that I think about it, most evil overlords act pretty emo, don’t they? I urge you to recognize the warning signs.

The Phantom of the Opera

‘The Phantom of the Opera’ 2004

Most emo line:
“The world showed no compassion to me!”

Favorite emo accessory:
A mask that hides half of his hideous face.

Despite being 50% brutally hot and having a tremendous singing voice, the Phantom, an eternal pessimist, refuses to recognize his inner beauty and instead uses his deformity as his justification for murdering, stealing, and of course, stalking the beautiful Christine Daae.  But it’s not actor Gerard Butler’s fault.  Gaston Leroux’s iconic Phantom of the Opera, once a ruthless and fearsome character, has been emasculated into the whining, crying, opera-singing emo kid most people are familiar with today, thanks to Broadway legend Andrew Lloyd Weber.  

Spider-Man

‘Spider-Man 3′ 2007

Most emo line:
“I don’t need your help!”

Favorite emo accessory:
His emo flip haircut. 

As if Peter Parker wasn’t emo enough—you know, crying about his dead Uncle Ben and pining over Mary Jane—in Spider-Man 3, Toby Macguire gets what can only best be described as an extreme emo makeover, ruining an otherwise decent third installment of the blockbuster Marvel franchise.

Futhermore, WTF is this?

 

Plants vs. Zombies is a new game by PopCap that will be released on May 5th.  You can sign up on the PopCap website to play the game before the public release, plus get a 10% discount for the Mac or PC version.  Will the game be as awesome as the music video?  Cute zombies and singing flowers—I don’t see how it could go wrong.

I’m not sure what tear in the space-time continuum enabled me to notice, but the greatest movie quotes have only six words.  Don’t ask me why!  What I do know is that it was fun to go through all my DVDs to dig up these awesome screenshots for you.

“May the force be with you.”

What can be said about this quote that hasn’t been said already? Every time Han Solo utters these epic words to Luke Skywalker before going on his mission to destroy the Death Star, every Star Wars fanboy gets a little wood.  Admit it.

“No time for love, Dr. Jones!”

Monkey brains, a dude that rips people’s hearts out of their bare chests, kamikaze rope bridge maneuvers, Harrison Ford when he was still hot—this movie had it all.  And it also had the greatest sidekick ever, Short Round, played by Jonathan Ke Quan, before he went on to yet another inspiring stereotypical Asian role involving boobytraps: Data from The Goonies.

Speaking of which…

“Man…you smell like Phys Ed!”

Baby Ruths bring even the unlikeliest of friends together.  Who knew annoying fat kids and smelly deformed mutants could be BFFs?

“English, motherfucker, do you speak it?!”

Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t like it when you say “what,” especially multiple times.  But he loves daring you to say it again.

“I have to return some videotapes.”

That’s Patrick Bateman-speak for murdering yuppies and hookers with an axe. 

“I don’t appreciate your ruse, Ma’am.”

Ruse (rooz) [Middle English]: A cunning attempt to trick Randal Graves, RST Video’s underachieving Employee of the Year.  There’s nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?

“You remind me of the babe!”

“What babe?” you ask.  Why, the babe with the power, of course.  The power of voodoo—well you know the rest.

And last but not least…

“Nobody puts Baby in a corner.”

The most profound six words ever committed to film.

Bonus 5-word honorable mention:

“Never rub another man’s rhubarb.”