It was brought to my attention today that there’s an actual porn called Shitty Shitty Bang Bang, clearly inspired by the classic Disney children’s film starring Dick Van Dyke. At first I thought it was a joke because it was one of those conversations where you sit around and throw out the most ridiculous fake porn titles you can think of (don’t act all classy like you never do that).
Once I’d verified for myself that Shitty Shitty Bang Bang is indeed an actual film, it got me wondering what other beloved children’s films are also porns because that’s just how my morbidly curious mind works and I don’t get out much and quite possibly need therapy and stop judging me already.
(See also: Rule 34.)
So, for you pervs who are still reading, below I present nine examples of classic children’s films that also happen to be porn. And just for fun, I will be grading them on how well they evoke the spirit of the original.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Parody: Titty Titty Gang Bang
I bet you thought I was going to mention Shitty Shitty Bang Bang again, didn’t you? Please. I have more integrity than that.
Grade: C –
Mary Poppins
Parody: Mary Pops In – The Magical Nanny
There’s a good spoonful of sugar joke in here somewhere…
Grade: A
Honey, I Blew Up the Kid
Parody: Honey, I Blew Everybody
Not very creative, is it?
Grade: D
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
Parody: Whorrey Potter and the Sorcerer’s Balls
There’s probably a zillion Harry Potter porn parodies out there, but not all of them star Marky Mark.
Grade: C+
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E.T the Extra-Terrestrial
Parody: E3 the Extra Testicle
This doesn’t look as disturbing as that other E.T porn that has been making the rounds, but it has some of the worst cover art I’ve ever seen, even for a porno. This probably took two minutes in MS Paint.
Grade: F-
Miracle on 34th Street
Parody: Miracle on 69th Street
This too could become a cherished holiday tradition…in bed.
Grade: B
Annie
Parody: Little Orphan Sammy
I’m pretty disappointed in this one. “Annie” rhymes with so many dirty things and Sammy is the best they could do?
Grade: D
Who Framed Roger Rabbit
Parody: Who Stole Roger Rabbit?
A porn parody of Who Framed Roger Rabbit that doesn’t star a Jessica Rabbit look-a-like? I mean how hard is it to put on a red haired wig? Such wasted potential.
Grade: B
The Goonies
Parody: The Poonies
I saved the best for last. The Poonies looks like the year 1985 had a wet dream.
Grade: B+
Hopefully this list hasn’t landed me on some kind of FBI watchlist.
