The most ridiculous(ly awesome) pirate songs I know.

My first impulse after see­ing this week’s League assign­ment was “pirates” was to make a list of my Top 5 Favorite Pirates, but then I remem­bered I kinda already did that . It’s not the most meaty or well thought-out of posts, but then again I threw it together in ten min­utes for National Talk Like a Pirate Day, which I almost for­got about, and if I’m being com­pletely hon­est, I really wanted an excuse to work “Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr” into my title as a verb. That’s just good writing.

My sec­ond impulse was to write about Sid Meier’s Pirates , the clas­sic pirate sim game, but then I remem­bered only a small per­cent­age of my read­ers give a shit about video games, so I’ll save that par­tic­u­lar ram­bling for Run­Jump­Fire .

Also, thanks to Disney’s abil­ity to milk its own theme park rides for obscene amounts at the box office, and Johnny Depp’s will­ing­ness to keep suck­ing on that teat ‚  Pirates of the Car­ribean is usu­ally the first thing I think of when­ever I hear the word “pirates.” I don’t like that.

I will also never have generic pirate toys with rich and engag­ing back­sto­ries as cool as The Good­will Geek’s, so I was kind of at a loss for ideas.

But then, all of a sud­den, I remem­bered some­thing impor­tant. Some­thing pro­found.  Some­thing that dick-slapped me in the face with INSPIRATION.

I am a pirate!
And being a pirate is all right to be.
And more impor­tantly,
I can do what I want
because a pirate is free!

Such lib­er­a­tion, such poetry  comes from the great­est song about pirates (and most dis­turb­ing video) the inter­net has ever known:

“You Are A Pirate!”

by what­ever coke­head pedophile is respon­si­ble for Lazy­Town

Okay, so what if it’s the de-facto theme song for any­body who’s ever down­loaded any­thing ille­gally? (Which I’ve never done. EVAR.) You have to admit it’s fuck­ing catchy. As in, I catch myself singing this all the damn time. And also pon­der­ing the lyric, “We’ll dig up the box–we know it’s full of pre­cious booty!” That’s like a total euphemism, right? It’s also one of my life’s ambi­tions to learn Stephanie’s dance moves.

But any­way, I was ener­gized and encour­aged because I sud­denly had my angle for this post: more awe­some pirate songs.

“From the Seas to the Streets”

by Cap­tain Dan & The Scurvy Crew

You guys, PIRATE RAP EXISTS! I’m not just talk­ing about one sin­gle video here. THERE ARE LITERALLY WHOLE ALBUMS FULL OF THIS SHIT, with pirates rap­ping songs like “It’s All About The Booty” and “Real Swash­buck­lers (Throw Your Hooks In The Air).” I’d also like to take a moment to point out that Cap­tain Dan & The Scurvy Crew refer to their website’s home­page as “home port.” I don’t know why this excites me, but it does.

This is almost as awe­some as that time I dis­cov­ered Ninja Sex Party . Except not quite, because nin­jas > pirates.

“HOT Pirates of the Carribean”

A Sym­phony of the Word “Hot” by Hot Sym­phony

This one’s pretty self-explanatory, and the appeal of hot pirate bitches is obvi­ous. Plus, it’s easy to sing along with. HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT.

“The Gay Pirate Song”

by some guy named Trey Green

Okay, this one I actu­ally had no idea existed before today. I got to think­ing deep thoughts, as is so often the case when I’m writ­ing these posts, and said to myself, “Surely  some­one out there has made a song about pirates being gay.” A quick YouTube search later and I was well on my way to being enchanted by the sounds of Trey Green  (who is NOT a gay pirate, dis­ap­point­ingly) with lyrics like, “We pil­lage, we plun­der, for trea­sure and men, and for booty that’s free of dis­ease.” Just think of every ter­ri­ble pirate pun that could be twisted around to sound like some­thing homo­sex­ual (poop deck!), and you’ll have a pretty good idea what to expect from this song. I like things that are straight­for­ward if you know what I mean.

Oh hey, speak­ing of Gay Pirates , I was doing some “research” for this post (look, just shut up and stop judg­ing me) when I stum­bled upon THIS masterpiece:

It’s a piece called “Gay Star Trek Pirate Uni­corn” by an artist named Kina . I also feel com­pelled to point out that this was a com­mis­sion. That’s right. Some­body out there envi­sioned this, and then paid an artist to birth this from her cre­ative loins. Amazing.

YOU ARE A SMELLY PIRATE HOOKER.

Won­der­ing what this is all about? This week’s assign­ment from The League of Extra­or­di­nary Blog­gers was the topic “pirates,” which appar­ently won the vote against infi­nitely more awe­some top­ics like “nin­jas” and “robots.” (Really guys?) Any­way, here’s a sam­pling of some of the pirate-y things my fel­low blog­gers wrote about:

• Cav­al­cade of Awe­some loves the Mup­pets Trea­sure Island soundtrack.
• Branded in the 80s gets all pirate-y about Thun­der­cats, Pirates of Dark Water, and Garbage Pail Kids. YES.
• Redis­cover the 80s lists the best pirate vil­lains from 80s and 90s cartoons!
• Good­will Hunt­ing 4 Geeks has some lit­tle plas­tic pirate friends he’d like to intro­duce you to.
• The Com­bat Work­shop cus­tomized his own pirate action figure!
• For­tune and Glory Days men­tions one of my per­sonal favorite pirate pair­ings, Orange­beard The Pirate and First Mate Odie!
• Achieve­ments in Gam­ing  remem­bers the strat­egy game, Pirates of the Span­ish Main.

More stuff and things!