02-09-10

If you really want fat, lazy gamers to click your ad…

…you might want to re-think showcasing a circa 1985 Nintendo Entertainment System, let alone using a stock photo that has clearly been (badly) shop’d.  I’m glad you know how to use the Paint Bucket tool.  Unfortunately, you’re a tool too.

Next time try showing a PS3, a 360, or any other console that wasn’t made over 25 years ago.  Some of your target audience (read: the ones without hair on their balls) may not even know what the hell an NES is.  You might also be perceived as more legitimate if you just–

Wait, what’s this?

…Lazy? … Soda? It’s like…almost as if this ad was written for me!  $150 a day, wowee!  But wait…what if the games I have to test are lame?

“I’m not talking about some lame ass games online. I’m talking about the latest and greatest games that are yet to hit the shelves.”

It’s like you’re reading my mind!  I don’t know how you do it!!!  Where do I sign up!?!?!

Oh. </3

Filed under: who-falls-for-this-shit-anyway

01-27-10

iPad with Wings

To the delight of Mac geeks and fanboys everywhere,  Apple unveiled its hotly anticipated tablet today.  Its unfortunate name? The iPad.

Almost immediately, the Twitterverse was rife with menstrual humor.  Here are a few of my favorite jabs:

@ThirtyTwoTwelve:  #iTampon there’s an app for twat.

@matthewathome:  Will Apple release a (Red) edition of the iPad once a month? #iTampon

@Nickdstm:  #iTampon for only $499, no strings attached!

@stoogyruby:   iPads are for 8th graders. I’m waiting for the iTampon, because I prefer to do all my interneting from inside my vagina.

And of course, because we’re all just a bunch of immature assholes, #iTampon became a top trending topic.

Update:  It was inevitable.

11-21-09

I didn’t realize New Moon was a comedy

All this week I purposely stayed away from the spoilers, the leaked clips, the early reviews, the 3 a.m. tweets, and the raving fangirl Twihards in socialmedialand.  I wanted to see New Moon without my already low opinion of Stephenie Meyer and her ilk tainting my experience.  So tonight I cast aside the “Twilulz” and gave New Moon a chance.

I want my $10.00 back.

New Moon started badly, ended badly, with plenty of suck in between. Now, I realize The Twilight Saga isn’t exactly profound literature.  I also realize I’m about ten years older than this franchise’s target audience.  But I also know the difference between good and bad movies, and New Moon is a terrible film.  The Twihards must be happy, though.  If they were hoping for a perfect smoldering-glare-by-smoldering-glare translation of the book, New Moon delivers.

It’s not like the concept of vampires versus werewolves is anything new, neither is the injection of a trite love triangle.  But when you take already-ridiculous subject matter and try to turn it into a serious film, usually one of two things happens:  1) You get something akin to Underworld.  2) Hilarity.  New Moon collapsed under the weight of its own attempt at being serious.  There were some moments when I felt like I was watching One Life to Live.  At other times, an after-school special.   Sure, I laughed during the parts where I was supposed to laugh.  There were plenty of intentionally funny moments peppered throughout the film, and these I enjoyed.  But I knew the movie was bad when I couldn’t stop laughing at the serious parts.  I wasn’t alone, either.  I heard snorts and stifled giggles all around me.

I found these bits especially lol-worthy:

• Grandma Swan’s thousand yard stare.
• Edward Cullen’s fondness for walking in slow-motion.
• CGI werewolves emote surprisingly well.  Almost as good as Falcor in the Neverending Story!
• Throngs of ambiguously gay shirtless wolfmen.
• Camera shots that make everything seem EPIC.
• Bella and Edward frolicking through the woods. Yes, frolicking.
• The Volturi’s drag makeup.
  
• Bella is evidently a Mac geek.  No wonder I hate her.

And those were just some of the good parts.  Aside from making me laugh inappropriately, the film’s music was another sore point.  The score seemed so out of place in most scenes, it was almost laughable.  In other places it was weirdly silent.  I really missed Carter Burwell’s beautiful Bella’s Lullaby theme from the first movie; I wish they had reprised it here.  In fact there was no trace of any kind of theme at all in New Moon; just the occasional soap opera-ish strings (you know, during the “smoldering glares“) and and endless playlist of sedate, instantly forgettable indie songs.  This is one illegal download I’ll skip.

New Moon has a running time of 2 hours.  By the 90 minute mark, I was praying for it to end.  Say what you want about Catherine Hardwicke’s gritty directing style, but she did a hell of a lot better on Twilight than Chris Weitz on New Moon.  It’s sad that I have to say this, but New Moon makes Twilight—a much lower budget film, I might add—look like an Oscar nominee. I don’t suppose it’s entirely Chris Weitz’s fault, though, considering the source.  New Moon is a shitty book, ergo, New Moon is a shitty movie.  I guess you can’t polish a turd.

God, I hate being right all the time!

06-10-09

This is so much fail…

Don’t ask why, but I was idly browsing the Harriet Carter site, a glorious domestic bazzare of gifts for old people and As Seen On TV products, when I stumbled upon the complete failure above.

“Guitar Hero® handheld game packs all the action of the monster video game into a pocket-sized version you can play anywhere!”

O RLY? I bet Free Bird sounds AWESOME on that tiny speaker.  For $17.98 plus shipping and handling, it even has a carabiner, so you can clip it to your belt and walk around with an overpriced piece of plastic shame dangling from your waist.  This is exactly the type of bullshit clueless parents buy their kids,  trying to save a few bucks, only to find it quickly disposed and forgotten.  They could just take their money to GameStop and buy a used copy of the real Guitar Hero for about the same price.

This deserves a spot on my Worst Gifts for Gamers list. Perhaps a Part 2 is in order.

04-26-09

Totally Emo Movie Heroes

There’s been a disturbing trend in Hollywood over the last couple of years: invasion of the emos.  Aparently we girls like our movie heroes hot, angry, and whiny.  For whatever reason, the hot male lead + pent-up angst formula seems to be working, because emo sells.  All of the specimens listed here can typically be found staring soul-searchingly out from the pages of Tigerbeat, or starring unwillingly in the steamy chapters of Mary Sue fanfics written by obsessed teenage girls.

Edward Cullen

‘Twilight’ 2008

Most emo line:
“I don’t have the strength to stay away from you anymore.”

Favorite emo accessory:
A well-tailored custom peacoat.

Recognizable by his brooding stares, perfectly disheveled hair and stalker tendencies, Edward Cullen is a product of the romantic fantasies of 30-something author Stephanie Meyer, who would like you to believe he’s a dangerous vampire despite not drinking human blood and having no fangs.  Edging out Buffy’s Angel in “the vampire who wants to be good” market, Edward Cullen is a vampy hero who spends the majority of his time obnoxiously torturing himself over his human love interest, the perpetual damsel-in-distress Bella Swan.  Superficially played by Robert Pattinson, who never read the books and never misses an opportunity to make fun of his own sculpted-browed character.

Harry Potter

‘Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban’ 2004

Most emo line:
“HE WAS THEIR FRIEND!!!”

Favorite emo accessory:
An invisibility cloak, to hide his spontaneous fits of crying.

There is perhaps no hero more emo than boy-wizard Harry Potter, who, among other things, struggles with school, girls, dead parents, abusive relatives, and an evil dark wizard who constantly tries to murder him.  In a way, his emo-ness is probably the most justified.  Some of Harry’s favorite activities include mouthing off to teachers and Slytherins, alienating his two best friends, staring longingly at pretty Hogwarts girls, and wallowing in the “nobody understands me” variety of self-pity.  Played by Daniel Radcliffe, whose acting (thankfully) seems to be getting better with each movie.

Anakin Skywalker

‘Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith’ 2005

Most emo line:
“Nooooooooooooooooooo!”

Favorite emo accessory:
A lightsaber, for murdering Jedi children.

Better known as Darth Vader, Anakin Skywalker is the tragic antihero of the Star Wars universe.  Played by a young and virile Hayden Christensen, Darth Vader’s youth is a far cry away from the crusty old white man unmasked in the orginal Episode VI.  Unfortunately Christensen’s acting kinda sucks, so his verbal transition to the dark side is often ripe with unintentional humor.  Anakin’s favorite hobbies: disagreeing with the Jedi Council, chillin’ with Darth Sidious, brooding over visions of Padme dying (then later helping the process along by choking her—with his MIND), and whining because he wasn’t bestowed the title of Jedi Master.  Now that I think about it, most evil overlords act pretty emo, don’t they? I urge you to recognize the warning signs.

The Phantom of the Opera

‘The Phantom of the Opera’ 2004

Most emo line:
“The world showed no compassion to me!”

Favorite emo accessory:
A mask that hides half of his hideous face.

Despite being 50% brutally hot and having a tremendous singing voice, the Phantom, an eternal pessimist, refuses to recognize his inner beauty and instead uses his deformity as his justification for murdering, stealing, and of course, stalking the beautiful Christine Daae.  But it’s not actor Gerard Butler’s fault.  Gaston Leroux’s iconic Phantom of the Opera, once a ruthless and fearsome character, has been emasculated into the whining, crying, opera-singing emo kid most people are familiar with today, thanks to Broadway legend Andrew Lloyd Weber.  

Spider-Man

‘Spider-Man 3′ 2007

Most emo line:
“I don’t need your help!”

Favorite emo accessory:
His emo flip haircut. 

As if Peter Parker wasn’t emo enough—you know, crying about his dead Uncle Ben and pining over Mary Jane—in Spider-Man 3, Toby Macguire gets what can only best be described as an extreme emo makeover, ruining an otherwise decent third installment of the blockbuster Marvel franchise.

Futhermore, WTF is this?

 

04-21-09

The Greatest Movie Quotes Have Six Words

I’m not sure what tear in the space-time continuum enabled me to notice, but the greatest movie quotes have only six words.  Don’t ask me why!  What I do know is that it was fun to go through all my DVDs to dig up these awesome screenshots for you.

“May the force be with you.”

What can be said about this quote that hasn’t been said already? Every time Han Solo utters these epic words to Luke Skywalker before going on his mission to destroy the Death Star, every Star Wars fanboy gets a little wood.  Admit it.

“No time for love, Dr. Jones!”

Monkey brains, a dude that rips people’s hearts out of their bare chests, kamikaze rope bridge maneuvers, Harrison Ford when he was still hot—this movie had it all.  And it also had the greatest sidekick ever, Short Round, played by Jonathan Ke Quan, before he went on to yet another inspiring stereotypical Asian role involving boobytraps: Data from The Goonies.

Speaking of which…

“Man…you smell like Phys Ed!”

Baby Ruths bring even the unlikeliest of friends together.  Who knew annoying fat kids and smelly deformed mutants could be BFFs?

“English, motherfucker, do you speak it?!”

 

Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t like it when you say “what,” especially multiple times.  But he loves daring you to say it again.

“I have to return some videotapes.”

That’s Patrick Bateman-speak for murdering yuppies and hookers with an axe. 

“I don’t appreciate your ruse, Ma’am.”

Ruse (rooz) [Middle English]: A cunning attempt to trick Randal Graves, RST Video’s underachieving Employee of the Year.  There’s nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?

“You remind me of the babe!”

“What babe?” you ask.  Why, the babe with the power, of course.  The power of voodoo—well you know the rest.

And last but not least…

“Nobody puts Baby in a corner.”

The most profound six words ever committed to film.

Bonus 5-word honorable mention:

“Never rub another man’s rhubarb.”

04-17-09

Oprah’s Caps Lock Key is Working

The Big O is finally on Twitter.  Brace yourself for an influx of soccer moms, pseudo-psychiatrists, and a general increase in the community’s estrogen levels.  Oprah reached over 75,000 followers in a single day, before she ever sent her first tweet.

And how fitting that Oprah’s first tweet was in ALL CAPS, the oft-favored style of moms, emo kids, celebutards, and other newbs that don’t know how to internet.  It’s kind of cute, really.  Like a kitten lost in a paper bag.  Of course, Oprah has enough money to just hire people to Twitter for her.

For all the warm and fuzzy life-affirming, book clubbing, puppy-hugging goodness that’s sure to come, follow @Oprah.

11-27-08

Happee Tanksgivinz