02-22-10

There aren’t nearly enough co-op RPGs in this world.

Last Friday night, after a crazy busy week suffering video game withdrawal,  my boyfriend Daniel and I were bored and looking for something fun to play.  Tired of our usual go-to FPS genre with old standbys like L4D, we started searching around online to see what other alternatives we could come up with.  We ended up wasting half the night looking for games that either didn’t exist or games that we didn’t own and/or couldn’t put our hands on immediately.  But we had at least narrowed it down to three criteria.  We wanted to play something that was 1) Co-op.  2) Fantasy-ish.  3) Action/adventure-ish.

Turns out there’s not a whole lot to choose from.

We searched in vain online, Googling things like “fantasy co-op games” and “co-op RPGs” only to turn up a smattering of relevant results, usually in the form of old forum posts where other co-op-starved couples before us had ventured, daring to ask the same futile question and met with the same small, precious handful of games in answer.

Eventually we realized that if we were going to get our co-op RPG on, we’d have to kick it old school.  So I drug out my boxes full of old console games and began rifling through them, and to my delight, discovered a very neglected-looking but otherwise working copy of Baldur’s Gate: Dark Alliance II for Xbox.  I had had fond memories of the first Dark Alliance game, which, in a former life, I had beaten on co-op with my boyfriend du jour.  But I had never spent much time with the sequel, let alone play through it co-op.  Daniel and I suddenly had plans for our Friday night.

Eerily similar to our WoW alter egos, Dan selected the Dwarf Rogue character while I, comfortable in my usual role of heal bitch, opted for the Human Cleric.  I thought perhaps we’d play through the starting zones, maybe get to level 3 or so before getting bored.  But ever since last Friday night it has been non-stop BG:DA II every chance we get.  I forgot how much FUN these types of games are, especially on co-op.

And now back to my original point–why aren’t there more co-op RPGs out there?  Off the top of my head, the ones I can think of comprise a very short list:

• Baldur’s Gate: Dark Alliance I & II
• Champions of Norrath 1 & 2
• Diablo
• Gauntlet Legends
• Phantasy Star Online
• Sacred 1 & 2
• Secret of Mana

If you know of any others (any GOOD ones, that is), please comment…I’m listening!

02-09-10

If you really want fat, lazy gamers to click your ad…

…you might want to re-think showcasing a circa 1985 Nintendo Entertainment System, let alone using a stock photo that has clearly been (badly) shop’d.  I’m glad you know how to use the Paint Bucket tool.  Unfortunately, you’re a tool too.

Next time try showing a PS3, a 360, or any other console that wasn’t made over 25 years ago.  Some of your target audience (read: the ones without hair on their balls) may not even know what the hell an NES is.  You might also be perceived as more legitimate if you just–

Wait, what’s this?

…Lazy? … Soda? It’s like…almost as if this ad was written for me!  $150 a day, wowee!  But wait…what if the games I have to test are lame?

“I’m not talking about some lame ass games online. I’m talking about the latest and greatest games that are yet to hit the shelves.”

It’s like you’re reading my mind!  I don’t know how you do it!!!  Where do I sign up!?!?!

Oh. </3

Filed under: who-falls-for-this-shit-anyway

07-22-09

5 Reasons Why the World of Warcraft Movie will Suck

Despite yesterday’s major geekgasm news that Sam Raimi will be taking up reigns as director of the highly-anticipated movie World of Warcraft, I remain pessimistic.

The World of Warcraft movie will suck, and here’s why:

1. First, let’s get the obvious out of the way.  As a general rule, movies based on video games suck.

   Need proof?
   - Super Mario Bros. sucked
   - Resident Evil (all of them) sucked
   - House of the Dead sucked
   - Silent Hill sucked
   - Laura Croft: Tomb Raider 1 & 2 sucked
   - Double Dragon sucked
   - Mortal Kombat 1 & 2 sucked
   - Street Fighter (both of ‘em) sucked

   …I could go on, but this post would get very long very quick.

2. The actual World of Warcraft sucks nowadays.  And things are only going to get worse as Blizzard scrambles to maintain its revolving door player base.  Blizzard may claim to have somewhere in the neighborhood of 11 million subscribers, but for all the new people signing up, there’s a whole lot of veterans and hardcore gamers leaving Azeroth, who are disenchanted with many of Blizzard’s recent “fuck you” decisions that tend to favor its own pockets over those of paying customers.  With the new Star Wars MMO looming on the horizon, Blizzard knows it must milk the WoW cash cow for all its worth–in the form of paid faction transfers and overhyped expansions.
3. I like Sam Raimi, I really do.   But just watch Spider-Man 3, and various other films Raimi has fucked up.  When it comes to directing, he’s kind of a hack who’s fortunate enough to have cult status/geek cred with the Evil Dead franchise.  Sure he makes some damn entertaining popcorn horror movies, but is he capable of pulling off an epic fantasy film?  I hope his work on Legend of the Seeker isn’t an indication…  Check out Raimi’s over-saturated IMDB page, where he’s currently listed to have over 20 projects in production, including Spiderman 4.
4. It will be told from an Alliance perspective.  Snore.  I guess even outside the game the Horde gets no love.  That aside, there are a zillion possible storylines in the World of Warcraft upon which to base a movie.  Why choose lamestream Alliance?  I guess two million Night Elves can’t be wrong.
5. Last year, I included the long-rumored World of Warcraft movie on my list of Top 5 Most Anticipated Fantasy Films of 2009, which up until recently, Blizzard has maintained would be the film’s year of release.  (I hope they didn’t really expect us to believe that! ) So it wasn’t at all suprising to hear that World of Warcraft: The Movie is now slated for release in 2012.  TWENTY TWELVE!  Will WoW still be as popular three years from now as it is today?

Hope I’m wrong!

06-10-09

This is so much fail…

Don’t ask why, but I was idly browsing the Harriet Carter site, a glorious domestic bazzare of gifts for old people and As Seen On TV products, when I stumbled upon the complete failure above.

“Guitar Hero® handheld game packs all the action of the monster video game into a pocket-sized version you can play anywhere!”

O RLY? I bet Free Bird sounds AWESOME on that tiny speaker.  For $17.98 plus shipping and handling, it even has a carabiner, so you can clip it to your belt and walk around with an overpriced piece of plastic shame dangling from your waist.  This is exactly the type of bullshit clueless parents buy their kids,  trying to save a few bucks, only to find it quickly disposed and forgotten.  They could just take their money to GameStop and buy a used copy of the real Guitar Hero for about the same price.

This deserves a spot on my Worst Gifts for Gamers list. Perhaps a Part 2 is in order.

06-05-09

Geeky Gamer Jewelry on Etsy

As the site says on its homepage, Etsy is the place to buy and sell all things handmade.  Here is a showcase of some of the coolest geeky gamer jewelry I’ve found there, and the awesome sellers who make it:

Pixelated goodness from an aptly-named seller, Pixel Party offers charm bracelets, cufflinks, earrings, and more in the classic 8-bit style of your favorite video games.

The Gamer Gear Store sells unique-looking hand-sculpted pieces from “all school” video games, as well as other great geeky gear inspired by vintage comics and movies.

The Clay Collection sells super cute miniature polymer clay versions of your favorite video game accessories, hardware, and characters.

For those who want to wear their D20s instead of just rolling ‘em, Candy Corn Studios sells beautiful, wearable art made with the real thing.

I really heart the jewelry that Omegazoid sells.  Simple plastic beads emulate that 8-bit pixel look perfectly.

The two ladies behind Charlie Carter Creations sell awesome clay jewelry based on video games, and other geeky stuff like Futurama, Muppets, and childhood toys.

Know of any other great Etsy sellers, or do you make and sell geeky/gamer jewelery too?  Leave me a link to your store in the comments and I’ll add it to my list!

06-02-09

Nintendo at E3: Epic Yawn, for the Most Part

Following along with Nintendo’s E3 press conference on Twitter, the live reactions were less than enthusiastic.  Well, it’s no wonder with a presenter like this:

Does she look excited about Nintendo to you?

For the most part, Nintendo’s presentation ambled along like an old woman with a bad hip.  The overall experience was so blah, #nintendofail was in danger of becoming a trending topic for a while there.

These were the lowlights:

• Wii Fit Plus - Some minor improvements to Wii Fit, such as omitting wait-times between exercises and the ability to target specific areas.  Riveting!
• Wii MotionPlus - Add-on hardware to make the Wiimote sensors more precise.  Will run you about $20 for something that makes the Wii function the way it’s supposed to.  Oh and by the way, some new games will require it, like Red Steel 2.
  (noticing a trend here with the tacking “Plus” onto everything?)
• Terrible scripted jokes between Bill and Reggie.
• Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: Crystal Bearers - Yet another Final Fantasy title…
• Women’s Murder Club: Games of Passion - New “interactive fiction” game series for DS, adding another nail to the coffin of real adventure games.
• Style Savvy - Yet another brainless pink-packaged game aimed at tweenaged girls.
• DSi circle jerk: over 1M units sold in less than 2 months, and DSi gamers will soon be able to share photos on Facebook.
• Wii Vitality Sensor - Peripheral that monitors pulse rate, nervousness, etc. I don’t even know what the fuck to say about this…

I’m on the fence about:

• Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks - Demo playable at E3 this week, but didn’t like the few screenshots we saw.
• Mario vs. Donkey Kong - Players will be able to design their own levels, gameplay looked kinda fun.
• Golden Sun DS
• WariorWare DIY - Gamers can design their own minigames from scratch & share with friends; kinda neat, I guess.
• Resident Evil: The Darkside Chronicals - Another on-rails shooter from the RE franchise.

But there were a few sprinkles of cool:

• Wii Sports Resort - Basketball, archery, skydiving & more.
• Super Mario Galaxy sequel - yes, yes, yes!  The demo looked awesome, the graphics bright and beautiful.

And then, saving the best for last, Nintendo made up for much of its E3 snorefest with the announcement of…

Metroid: Other M

Okay, seriously, I want this game NOW!

Update: Penny Arcade sums up my feelings exactly.

04-21-09

Who knew zombies could be so adorable?

Plants vs. Zombies is a new game by PopCap that will be released on May 5th.  You can sign up on the PopCap website to play the game before the public release, plus get a 10% discount for the Mac or PC version.  Will the game be as awesome as the music video?  Cute zombies and singing flowers—I don’t see how it could go wrong.

04-16-09

Nothing ventured…

Surprise is a rare feeling for me to get from most games nowadays, but The Lost Crown is a rare breed of game—the kind that draws you in slowly, peeling away each rich layer of story, slow and methodical.  You are Nigel Danvers, treasure hunter and paranormal investigator, sent to seek your fortune—the ancient Anglo-Saxon crown—like many before you.  Atmospheric and steeped in mystery, the quaint English seaside town of Saxton and the surrounding countryside awaits your adventure…

Although ”a ghost-hunting adventure” is indeed an appropriate subtitle for this game, I believe it’s also the thing that originally turned me off, and the reason why I have not played this game until now.  I finally decided to give it a go after seeing it so highly recommended here and here.  I remember a few years back, seeing The Lost Crown on the store shelves, and quickly dismissing it as some kind of cliche horror title with vague, simplistic goals of capturing proof of the afterlife.  And while it’s true that you will spend a good portion of your playtime doing exactly that, The Lost Crown offers much, much more.

For starters, the game features a large cast of extremely well-developed characters—both living and dead—all with distinct personalities, backgrounds, & (often tragic) histories.  The quirky townspeople of Saxton are generally a simple and kindhearted folk, but the small town’s more sinister residents (and past residents) are the kind you wouldn’t want to meet in a dark alley, or say, in an ancient graveyard in the middle of the night! Every single line of dialog in this game is superbly voice acted.  The soundtrack is richly layered with Celtic music, ghostly voices, nature sounds, and a cacophony of eerie effects.  It never felt repetitive or uninteresting, and each location seemed to have its own auditory identity.  The starkly-contrasted black and white visuals are also highly effective in creating the overall mood.  Every scene features one small burst of color—such as the bright red of the phone booth, or the pale pink hues of the flowers—similar to those old hand-dyed photographs.  But whether its minimalist approach to graphics was a bold stylistic choice, or a result of budgetary restraints, The Lost Crown’s unique style oozes charm.

And I haven’t even mentioned how good the story is yet!  Saxton can best be described as a mystery wrapped in an enigma.  As its superstitious residents might say, “Not all is as it seems.”  Your adventure into the spirit world will uncover many grisly, terrible secrets, but it will also help some of the poor souls who are still lost and wandering.  The Lost Crown is equal parts scary and sentimental, and this, I feel, is one of its strong points.  There are plenty of scares, but plenty of tender moments too.  The game is also surprisingly long, but I say that to its credit.  There are far too many adventure games out there that are big on gimmicks and short on gameplay (cough, Still Life, cough).  The Lost Crown takes its time to tell its many related stories, and wraps them all up in an elegant package.  The game also boasts a good variety of creative puzzles, and although challenging, not once did I ever feel frustrated by them.

The Lost Crown is not flawless, however.  There were a few (minor) annoyances:

• Inability to skip through dialog quickly
• Too wide of a range on clickable “hot spots”, which can be cause for confusion
• Nigel walks very slooooooooooowly…
• Cumbersome inventory; you will walk around carrying 20+ things at any given time

 
But these things are all forgivable, especially considering the small size of the development team, led by the insanely talented game designer, Jonathan Boakes.  I loved this game so much that, before even finishing it, I felt compelled to buy the Limited “Pins & Needles” Edition of Dark Fall, Jonathan’s previous series of games.  Each edition is hand numbered & signed by the designer himself—I can’t wait to get my mits on this one!  And as for The Lost Crown, well…I will never judge another game by its cover again!

02-26-09

Using Walkthroughs: When It’s Not Cheating

How many times have you gotten stuck in an adventure game because you missed one tiny little pixel you somehow neglected to click?  Or because you couldn’t make sense of the convoluted story hinted at within the 300 pages of books and diaries the game expects you to read?  Or maybe you didn’t realize that you were supposed to combine the rope with the rubber chicken (how silly of you) which turns out to be miraculously critical in making your great escape.  It’s hair-pulling moments like these when the temptation to use a walkthrough is at its strongest.  It’s the inevitable ethical dilemma all adventure gamers must face: do I continue to waste hours getting nowhere, or do I take one little peek at the answers?  We’re torn between the desire to feel satisfied in solving puzzles for ourselves, and on the other hand, the desire to merely get on with the rest of our lives.

If you’re like me, you’ll reach one of these maddening impasses and at least try to give it your best shot.  You’ll click and double-click everything, retrace your steps, talk to everyone, and exhaust a good hour or two of playtime before your brain transforms into Jello and your once optimistic powers of reasoning deteriorate into thoughts of obscene and utter contempt for the makers of such mindfucks, that were obviously designed specifically to destroy you.  I’ve been there.

Case in point:  Last night while playing The Black Mirror, I got stuck in William Gordon’s tower study room and for the life of me could not figure out why.  I knew I was looking for a diary, and I knew it would be in this room.  I picked up every object there was to pick up, tried combining items to no avail, and clicked and double-clicked on every square pixel of screen real estate that I could.  Yet the game would not let me leave the room, stating that “I need to explore this area more thoroughly.”  When I realized I had wasted over an hour in this single room, I decided to sacrifice my pride and guiltily consult a walkthrough, feeling stupid and defeated.  And you know what it turns out I was doing wrong?  I needed to right-click on the damn desk drawer to find the secret hidden diary, not left-click it.  (WTF!)  So even though I had already figured out exactly where to go and what to do, an unfortunate technicality prevented my progression.

When it comes to adventure games, I believe there’s a fine line between difficulty and poor game design.

Let’s be honest, game designers sometimes do things that are just plain stupid and/or  make no sense.  And it’s circumstances like the one described above when I will happily consult a walkthrough and not feel guilty afterward.  When we learn puzzle solutions in a walkthrough, we will usually experience one of two reactions:

1. Wow, how could I have missed that!??
2. OMFG that is SOOOOO stupid!

The first reaction typically leads to feelings of guilt and shame for having looked up the answer.  But if it’s the second reaction, should we feel justified?  I say yes.  Can it really be considered cheating if a game’s poor design or quirky control system practically requires you to cheat?  (Of course, the only problem is, you won’t know the difference until you’ve cheated…)

So in the interest of restoring everyone’s dignity during our moments of desperation, I’d like to propose the following:

Using a walkthrough is not cheating when…

• You already know where to go and what to do, but cannot figure out exactly how to do it.
• You discover something important or connect the dots earlier than the game’s protagonist, and you must then do excessive amounts of backtracking to bring your less intelligent alter-ego up to speed.
• Terrible control or interface designs make otherwise easy tasks exceedingly difficult.
• The game has known bugs that inhibit progression.
• Excessive use of red herrings featured in the game.
• Puzzle solutions turns out to be almost completely illogical, with no prior clues given for how to go about solving them.
• Solution requires combining two completely unrelated objects in a nonsensical fashion to become keystone of epic McGuyver-like proportions.

I remember playing adventure games before the Internet.  Before walkthroughs, before GameFAQs.  Before you could just Google a description of the exact part of the game you were stuck on and be met with hundreds of detailed, pictorial solutions.  Those were the days.  You felt a real sense of accomplishment when you completed games.  Nowadays it’s far too easy to Google up the answers, or worse, unintentionally stumble upon cheats and spoilers posted online.  I guess one solution could be to avoid the Internet completely while you’re playing a game, but let’s be realistic here.  These are the reasons why I’m thankful for sites like Universal Hint System which is helpful without giving too much away.  After all, the very reason we play adventure games is because we enjoy games that reward us for our cleverness and intuition, not punish us with frustration and feelings of inferiority.

02-20-09

A love letter to the Sega Genesis/CD

Remember the sheer awesomeness of Sonic the Hedgehog?  Remember how great the 6-button controller was?  Remember Sega Visions magazine?

I got my first glimpse into that 16-bit world one summer when my older cousin came to visit and brought along his shiny new Sega Genesis.  All I knew at the time was that it wasn’t a Nintendo, the only console I’d ever really known.  The Sega Genesis was black and mysterious, almost as if it were intentionally designed to be in stark contrast with the pedestrian light gray of Nintendo.  I had no concept of graphics, hardware, or these things called “bits.” I just knew video games were fun to play.  But when my cousin showed me those early Genesis games for the first time–games like Golden Axe and Alex Kidd–my world changed.  These games looked like nothing I had ever seen before.  I vividly remember the first time my cousin and I played Altered Beast.  The characters looked real. The sound effects used real voices (POWER UP!).  It blew my little 7-year-old mind.  Suddenly my Nintendo games seemed boring and amateur.

And you must admit, the graphics were amazing for 1990.  It was at a time when most kids had never heard of Sega Genesis, and if they did, their parents probably couldn’t afford to buy them one.  And if they could, good luck convincing them it was somehow different or better than “that Nintendo you already have.”  Lots of begging and tons of chores later, I was one of the proud but few kids in my neighborhood with a Sega Genesis.  When I went to the local video rental store (this was before Blockbuster), I was one of the handful of customers who had any reason to go near the small but brand spanking new selection of Genesis games.

Two years later, Super Nintendo arrived.  And inventiably, us kids were divided on whose video game system was superior. (Funny how some things never change.)  The lucky kids had both.  The rest of us were forced to choose one or the other.  The Super Nintendo kids were the softies, the kids with the “toy” console.  Us Sega kids were the hardcore gamers, the ones with the console that actually showed blood in Mortal Kombat.  Choosing your alliance was critical to your social status and geek cred, and I defended my console’s honor with a noble fist.  A side-by-side screenshot comparison of every single game looked more realistic on the Genesis, and that was all the justification I needed.  And though years later I eventually did get a Super Nintendo (and yes it was a great console) for the majority of the 1990s I was first and foremost a Sega girl.

Remember this?

Naturally when the Sega CD came out, I knew I had to have that too.  And like the Genesis, the Sega CD blew me away with its graphics and sound.  Video games on a compact disc?  Sega has always been ahead of its time.  (Their experimentation and forward thinking is perhaps the reason for where they’re at right now, but that’s another blog post for another time.)  Before Playstation, even before the Panasonic 3DO, us Sega CD owners were playing massive games with full-motion video and CD-quality sound.  The Sega CD is also the console (or should I say pseudo console) that really ignited my love for adventure games.  Willy Beamish, Snatcher, Rise of the Dragon; no other console was putting out games like these.  I remember lusting after the CDX, one of the first multi-purpose consoles on the market.

Although it eventually became unpopular, I kept right on playing my Genesis/CD, even when the games began to disappear from that local video rental store.  There were so many great games, the console kept me playing for a long time after its eventual demise.  Over the years other consoles came and went in my life, and somewhere in between I got Saturn and Dreamcast too.  But my fondest Sega memories center around the Genesis/CD years, which to this day remains my favorite console of all time.

I guess what I’m really trying to say is, I heart you, Sega.  Thanks for making my childhood a little more awesome.