11-21-09

I didn’t realize New Moon was a comedy

All this week I purposely stayed away from the spoilers, the leaked clips, the early reviews, the 3 a.m. tweets, and the raving fangirl Twihards in socialmedialand.  I wanted to see New Moon without my already low opinion of Stephenie Meyer and her ilk tainting my experience.  So tonight I cast aside the “Twilulz” and gave New Moon a chance.

I want my $10.00 back.

New Moon started badly, ended badly, with plenty of suck in between. Now, I realize The Twilight Saga isn’t exactly profound literature.  I also realize I’m about ten years older than this franchise’s target audience.  But I also know the difference between good and bad movies, and New Moon is a terrible film.  The Twihards must be happy, though.  If they were hoping for a perfect smoldering-glare-by-smoldering-glare translation of the book, New Moon delivers.

It’s not like the concept of vampires versus werewolves is anything new, neither is the injection of a trite love triangle.  But when you take already-ridiculous subject matter and try to turn it into a serious film, usually one of two things happens:  1) You get something akin to Underworld.  2) Hilarity.  New Moon collapsed under the weight of its own attempt at being serious.  There were some moments when I felt like I was watching One Life to Live.  At other times, an after-school special.   Sure, I laughed during the parts where I was supposed to laugh.  There were plenty of intentionally funny moments peppered throughout the film, and these I enjoyed.  But I knew the movie was bad when I couldn’t stop laughing at the serious parts.  I wasn’t alone, either.  I heard snorts and stifled giggles all around me.

I found these bits especially lol-worthy:

• Grandma Swan’s thousand yard stare.
• Edward Cullen’s fondness for walking in slow-motion.
• CGI werewolves emote surprisingly well.  Almost as good as Falcor in the Neverending Story!
• Throngs of ambiguously gay shirtless wolfmen.
• Camera shots that make everything seem EPIC.
• Bella and Edward frolicking through the woods. Yes, frolicking.
• The Volturi’s drag makeup.
  
• Bella is evidently a Mac geek.  No wonder I hate her.

And those were just some of the good parts.  Aside from making me laugh inappropriately, the film’s music was another sore point.  The score seemed so out of place in most scenes, it was almost laughable.  In other places it was weirdly silent.  I really missed Carter Burwell’s beautiful Bella’s Lullaby theme from the first movie; I wish they had reprised it here.  In fact there was no trace of any kind of theme at all in New Moon; just the occasional soap opera-ish strings (you know, during the “smoldering glares“) and and endless playlist of sedate, instantly forgettable indie songs.  This is one illegal download I’ll skip.

New Moon has a running time of 2 hours.  By the 90 minute mark, I was praying for it to end.  Say what you want about Catherine Hardwicke’s gritty directing style, but she did a hell of a lot better on Twilight than Chris Weitz on New Moon.  It’s sad that I have to say this, but New Moon makes Twilight—a much lower budget film, I might add—look like an Oscar nominee. I don’t suppose it’s entirely Chris Weitz’s fault, though, considering the source.  New Moon is a shitty book, ergo, New Moon is a shitty movie.  I guess you can’t polish a turd.

God, I hate being right all the time!

07-22-09

5 Reasons Why the World of Warcraft Movie will Suck

Despite yesterday’s major geekgasm news that Sam Raimi will be taking up reigns as director of the highly-anticipated movie World of Warcraft, I remain pessimistic.

The World of Warcraft movie will suck, and here’s why:

1. First, let’s get the obvious out of the way.  As a general rule, movies based on video games suck.

   Need proof?
   - Super Mario Bros. sucked
   - Resident Evil (all of them) sucked
   - House of the Dead sucked
   - Silent Hill sucked
   - Laura Croft: Tomb Raider 1 & 2 sucked
   - Double Dragon sucked
   - Mortal Kombat 1 & 2 sucked
   - Street Fighter (both of ‘em) sucked

   …I could go on, but this post would get very long very quick.

2. The actual World of Warcraft sucks nowadays.  And things are only going to get worse as Blizzard scrambles to maintain its revolving door player base.  Blizzard may claim to have somewhere in the neighborhood of 11 million subscribers, but for all the new people signing up, there’s a whole lot of veterans and hardcore gamers leaving Azeroth, who are disenchanted with many of Blizzard’s recent “fuck you” decisions that tend to favor its own pockets over those of paying customers.  With the new Star Wars MMO looming on the horizon, Blizzard knows it must milk the WoW cash cow for all its worth–in the form of paid faction transfers and overhyped expansions.
3. I like Sam Raimi, I really do.   But just watch Spider-Man 3, and various other films Raimi has fucked up.  When it comes to directing, he’s kind of a hack who’s fortunate enough to have cult status/geek cred with the Evil Dead franchise.  Sure he makes some damn entertaining popcorn horror movies, but is he capable of pulling off an epic fantasy film?  I hope his work on Legend of the Seeker isn’t an indication…  Check out Raimi’s over-saturated IMDB page, where he’s currently listed to have over 20 projects in production, including Spiderman 4.
4. It will be told from an Alliance perspective.  Snore.  I guess even outside the game the Horde gets no love.  That aside, there are a zillion possible storylines in the World of Warcraft upon which to base a movie.  Why choose lamestream Alliance?  I guess two million Night Elves can’t be wrong.
5. Last year, I included the long-rumored World of Warcraft movie on my list of Top 5 Most Anticipated Fantasy Films of 2009, which up until recently, Blizzard has maintained would be the film’s year of release.  (I hope they didn’t really expect us to believe that! ) So it wasn’t at all suprising to hear that World of Warcraft: The Movie is now slated for release in 2012.  TWENTY TWELVE!  Will WoW still be as popular three years from now as it is today?

Hope I’m wrong!

07-22-09

Tim Burton Confirms ‘Dark Shadows’

My name is Victoria Winters. My journey is beginning. A journey that I hope will open the doors of life to me and link my past with my future. A journey that will bring me to a strange and dark place, to the edge of the sea high atop Widows’ Hill - a house called Collinwood. A world I’ve never known, with people I’ve never met. People who tonight are still only shadows in my mind, but who will soon fill the days and nights of my tomorrows.

These are the words of Victoria Winters, and the opening to Dark Shadows, one of the most memorable TV shows of all time.  Today, vampire mania has sunken its fangs deep into popular culture.  Shows like True Blood dominate television, while The Twilight Saga is one of the bestselling book series.  But the Bill Comptons and Edward Cullens of the world owe their existence to a vampire named Barnabas Collins.

Dark Shadows is one of those old shows that makes you feel uncool if you’re unable to remember it when it was on TV.  That’s totally me.  I was born in 1981, 10 years after the last episode of Dark Shadows aired.  Being drawn to all things horror, cult, and vintage, I discovered Dark Shadows some years ago during one of those casual “have you seen anything good lately?” conversations with my parents, whom I am grateful for having passed down their good taste in movies and TV shows to me.  If there’s one true thing I can say about myself, it’s that I am never bored, because I always have a neverending list of interesting things to watch, read, or play—and never enough time to do it all.  So somehow or another, through the fond secondhand recollections of my parents and at the recommendations of others, Dark Shadows found its way onto my list.

And a few months ago I begun the long and arduous (but highly enjoyable) task of watching all 1,225 episodes of Dark Shadows.  Yeah, you read that correctly—ONE THOUSDAND TWO HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE!  For anyone else crazy enough to do the same, Netflix has the entire Dark Shadows collection on DVD.  I think I’m somewhere in the early 300’s, but I can’t be sure.  And I am loving every dark, shadowy, and weird moment of it!

So I am absolutely THRILLED to learn that Tim Burton has just confirmed to MTV News that he will begin shooting Dark Shadows next year, a feature film based on the TV series.  And, shocking to no one, Johnny Depp will star as self-loathing vampire Barnabas Collins, confirming rumors that have been circulating amongst Dark Shadows & Burton fans for a long time now.  Both Burton and Depp are known to be huge fans of the show, having grown up with the gothic soap opera.  I think Johnny Depp will be amazing as Barnabas Collins, and Burton’s campy, gothic style is perfectly suited for the beloved TV show that was so deliciously strange.  Now if we can just get Danny Elfman to score, I will be one happy (newly-initiated) Dark Shadows fangirl!

07-15-09

Harry Potter and the Half-way Decent Movie

So it’s like 3:30 a.m., and I just got home from the midnight showing of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.  I could go to bed, but I had to get a few things off my mind first while my memories are still fresh.  Legilimens!

First, the good.  This movie was a LOT of fun.  As one of my Twitter pals put it, Half-Blood Prince felt like returning to high school and seeing all of your old friends.  Harry, Ron, and Hermione have always been at the heart of every Potter film, and HBP doesn’t deviate from this winning formula.  The film doesn’t waste any time getting right down to business, and it’s action-packed from start to finish.  From a plot standpoint, it had a lot of ground to cover (as all the Potter films do) and those two and a half hours just seem to fly by.  Overall it was a solid Potter film, and I’m sure it will hold up to many subsequent viewings, which are no doubt necessary to catch all the things you might have missed.  There was just so much going on in this movie it was almost overwhelming.

And now the not-so-good.  I don’t know if this is a byproduct of having been forced to wait an extra 9 months for its release and having inflated expectations or what, but HBP definitely had its shortcomings.  The downside to cramming so much stuff in is that there’s quite a bit left out.  And I’m not even one of those book Nazis that insists all movies must be 100% faithful to the book; not even close.  I just didn’t understand some of the logic behind the decisions made in this film’s case.  They had time to throw in a bunch of lengthy scenes that never happened, but they didn’t have time to include the ones that actually did?  I would rather see a film where they’re forced to leave things out due to time constraints versus just making up whatever the hell they want to.  Without giving anything away, the first 10 minutes of this film is a prime example.

Many parts of this film just didn’t feel like a Harry Potter movie at all when compared to the previous five.  I think a little too much liberty was taken, to the point that some of the things that make Potter movies feel like Potter movies was lost–which is really surprising, because I felt Yates did such a fantastic job with Order of the Phoenix.  Maybe I’m expecting too much; it’s just Harry Potter after all.  Or maybe I’m just getting too old for this shit.  I certainly felt old during the romcom-y bits when 90% of the theater was squealing like giddy schoolgirls.  It could not have been more apparent who this film’s target audience was.

Speaking of getting old, when did the students of Hogwarts all turn 30?  I realize Daniel Radcliffe and company have aged quite a bit since the first film, but I don’t think I saw any younger students at all in HBP.  You know what else I didn’t see?  Any information about the Half-Blood Prince whatsoever.  I feel bad for anyone who has never read the books that tries to watch this film; you will be hopelessly lost.

For the rest of you–the ones who’ve read the books–despite my pithy complaints, there’s a lot to love about the film version of Half-Blood Prince:

(Warning: HERE THERE BE SPOILERS.  Beware!)

Things I liked:

• The bits about Harry & Hermione’s friendship, particularly Dumbledore’s “curiosity.” So cute.
• Jim Broadbent’s turn as Slughorn; great job!
• Aragog’s funeral and Hagrid’s subsequent drinking binge.
• Snape bein’ all Snape-ish as only Snape can.
• Happy to see Tonks & Lupin together, however brief.
• Both kids who played Tom Riddle (age 11 & age 16) were fantastic!
• Michael Gambon’s Dumbledore was much better played this time around.

…And of course,  there were some things that needed improvement:

Things I could have done without:

• Jessie Cave as Lavender Brown.
• Pandering to the HP fangirl set.  Yes I realize HBP is the “O.C.” of all the Potter books, but the teen romance portrayed in this film was just over the top, to the point where I felt like the romantic subplots overshadowed the main one.
• Random black woman who comes on to Harry in a cafe.  Seriously, what is up with random black characters appearing in the Potter films?  It’s almost like the directors throw them in there for diversity’s sake.
• The heavy-handed direction.  I swear in some shots you could almost feel Yates thinking “Hmm, what crazy camera wizardry can I do to make this scene look cooler?”
• The Weasley’s house burning down.  Um, WTF??
• Fenrir Greyback.  Although an important character in the book, his presence added nothing to this movie.

Things I missed:

• The “feel” and spirit of Hogwarts just wasn’t there for me this time around.
• Did they even bother to put the main characters in uniforms during classes?
• Where the hell were all the younger students?  I don’t think I saw even one.
• Dumbledore’s funeral.  I wonder if we’ll see it in the beginning of Deathly Hallows? I felt the ending in general was kind of a cop-out.
• Cho Chang. I thought we’d at least see her in the background or something.
• Any background information whatsoever about the Half-Blood Prince.

P.S.  Did anyone else almost pee a little bit when Dumbledore (whom J.K. Rowling professes to be gay) starts telling Harry how he’s been fond of him since he was a little boy, and that they need to figure out the deal with the closet??  Unintentional hilarity FTW.

06-01-09

The New Moon Trailer: OMG Squee!*

*Disclaimer: I do not ever say things like “squee” or other words usually belonging to the vernacular of 12 year old  fangirls, but felt the disclaimer was necessary to save me from having to explain myself to idiots who can’t tell when I’m being sarcastic.

Here’s what all the fuss is about:

If the trailer is any indication, I believe New Moon is going to suck and suck hard, but it’s really not the filmmaker’s faults.  My lack of enthusiasm for the movie can be blamed on author Stephenie Meyer’s dreadful source material.  For your convenience, and for my own personal amusement, let’s re-cap Meyer’s super-epic plot to the sequel of Twilight, shall we?

• It’s Bella Swan’s birthday and her vampire friends throw her a party at their digs.
• At the party, Bella gets a paper cut.
• Jasper, one of the newest vampires, can’t control himself when he sees the blood.
• Predictably, he goes into a rage and lunges for Bella.
• Bella’s sexy vampire boyfriend Edward Cullen (pause to swoon here) saves the day…
• …But then tells Bella he must leave her forever in order to keep her safe, then peaces out.
• Bella can’t handle him leaving and goes all emo, borderline suicidal.
• That’s okay though, because there’s yet another sexy guy, Jacob Black, just waiting around to take Edward’s place.
• And Jacob just happens to be a werewolf.
• Jacob tries to get Bella to “drop that zero and get with the hero” but she ain’t havin’ none, and continues to mope around and do reckless things, like ride motorcycles and go cliff diving.
• At some point Jacob the Werewolf saves Bella from Laurent and Victoria, two random vampires turned villians, recycled from the plot of Twilight.
• Then out of nowhere, thanks to some weird, poorly-explained mixup courtesy of Edward’s sister Alice, who can see the future but fucks it up somtimes, Edward thinks Bella committed suicide.
• In true Romeo and Juliet fashion, Edward decides he can’t live without Bella either, and runs off to Italy to kill himself too.
• But Edward’s a vampire, and suicide is easier said than done.  Rather than try to explain about the evil Volturi and the other bullshit secondary characters that Meyer pulls out of her ass when she needs a plot, Edward’s suicide attempt can best be expressed as: DEATH BY SPARKLES.
• Just in the nick of time, Bella saves Edward from exposing himself thus saving him from the Volturi and there’s a big dramatic reunitement scene.
• Some other unimportant crap happens in Italy, then Bella, Edward, and the rest of the vampires return home.
• Bella wants desperately to become a vampire, and so she calls a Superfriends meeting where all the vampires take turns voting on whether or not it should happen.
• And like the ending of Twilight, Meyer recycles the same “does Bella become a vampire or not?” cliffhanger in New Moon.
• The end!

It’s mind-blowing stuff, I know.  If you really want, feel free to read my less than glowing review of the New Moon book over at Amazon.  It’s just all so ridiculous, even for a fantasy book based on vampires.  Most of the book’s 563 pages is spent with Bella, as she pines away for her lost vampire love, and let me tell you, it was hell reading through page after page of this:

“I was not allowed to think of him. That was something I tried to be very strict about. Of course I slipped; I was only human. But I was getting better, and so the pain was something I could avoid for days at a time now. The tradeoff was the never-ending numbness. Between pain and nothing, I’d chosen nothing.”

So by default, New Moon the film should at least be a slight improvement over New Moon the book, if only because the nature of the media spares you the literary torture.  But Hollywood isn’t dumb.  It knows there’s good money to be made by catering to the overzealous female fanbase that made the first film such a success.  Twilight fans want hot vampires, mushy romance, and plenty of Rob Pattinson screen time.  Make no mistake, New Moon will be one big fangirl orgy from start to finish.

But why take my word for it when you can read real reviews of the trailer written by (what I hope are) teenaged girls?

“ok WOW!!! new moon is going to be AH-Mazing, i love kristen’s face when she say ” kiss me” her eyebrow is funny! and the werewolf, i didnt even expect it to be that big, but OMg i love it!! but taylor GOOOOSSH!! i thought he was Hott, now he like fire! but edward was really sad!cant wait! woooo and bella looked eally pretty”

“The part when she got the paper cut and jasper tried to get her but, edward pushed her was so intensed i was like O.O”

“omg omg omg not going to faint but omg. that as freaking awsume. may i faint from how hot jacob is. p.s. i think the wolfy looks friendly”

“OMG! This movie looks even better than Twilight! It’s driving me crazy cause I wanna see it so bad! Idk if I can wait for November 20 to come! Btw: Jacob, so hot!”

Well there you have it.

05-30-09

Moonlight: Well this really sucks…

Pardon the vampire pun, but there’s nothing worse than getting sucked into an awesome new TV show only to find out it has already been canceled.  My latest letdown was over the CBS series Moonlight, a show about a vampire P.I.  living in modern-day Los Angeles who struggles with life, love and his oft-challeneged quest for redemption.  Sounds cheesy, I know, and there’s no shortage of awful vampire shows—even some with strikingly similar premises—but Moonlight was one of the best I’ve ever seen.  I typically don’t watch many TV shows (at least not while they’re still airing), I guess because I hate commercials, waiting a week to find out what happens next, and spoiler-happy assclowns online.  So most of my TV show consumption is done all at once in the form of downloads, DVD, or Hulu, even though watching shows all at once usually means I’m unfashionably late to most fandoms.  Which brings me back to Moonlight…

Forget for a moment that the name of the show is Moonlight, which is a bad idea for several reasons, the most obvious being confusion with Stephenie Meyer’s much lamer Twilight.  Also look past the fact that main character Mick St. John (Alex O’Loughlin) is brutally hot, which much of this show’s popularity with a rabid female fanbase can be attributed to.  Underneath you’ll find an intelligent, action-packed, funny, and yes, romantic supernatural drama with high production value, great direction, and a kickass soundtrack.  As far as vampire lore goes, Moonlight doesn’t deviate too much from conventional mythology, but does throw a few unique and interesting twists into the mix, like silver as a lethal substance, sunlight causing progressive degeneration, and my personal favorite, sleeping in freezers. For the geeks, there’s even a geek vampire with plenty of video game and World of Warcraft references—even a full-blown Leeroy Jenkins battle charge.

Critically it seems Moonlight didn’t fare too well, with many having dismissed the show as silly, or perhaps more detrimental, comparing it to Angel. But it was an obvious hit with fans, having won a People’s Choice Award for Best New Drama, and its ratings were nothing to scoff at. So it’s beyond me why CBS would choose to cancel a good show, especially after claiming there were plans for a second season.  I’m just bitter I started watching it without knowing it was already over.

Fans of the show can sign the online petition to save Moonlight, even though most online petitions are like pisisng into the wind.  As for me, I’ll just have to be content with re-watching the first and only season and mourning the loss of yet another good show that’s gone too soon.

05-03-09

LOTR Fan Film: $3,000 of Awesome

What can you do with $3,000 and a group of dedicated LOTR fans?  Make a kick-ass fan movie, that’s what.  The Hunt for Gollum is a 40-minute fan-made film based on the Lord of the Rings books and movies.  And more importantly, it’s good.  Surprisingly so.

Based on Tolkien’s appendices, The Hunt for Gollum remains true to its source material and fits in nicely with the three official Peter Jackson films.  The story is a prequel of sorts that follows Aragorn on his quest from Gandalf to track down and capture the creature Gollum, who knows the whereabouts of the One Ring.  It takes place before Gandalf returns to The Shire, to warn Frodo of the dangers of his burden.

Everything from the costumes and make-up to the film’s score and acting is well done, and closely mimics Jackson’s style of direction and visual effects.  The fight scenes were epic and well choreographed.  

Even Gollum looks and sounds great:

It’s an impressive accomplishment for such a limited budget (the entire cast and crew worked for free).  Huge props to the filmmakers, who are as talented as they are dedicated.  The film was released today, May 3rd, and is available to watch free online.  You can also check out the making of this epic undertaking here.  Visit www.TheHuntForGollum.com, or click  the banner below.  If you’re a LOTR fan, I highly recommend you go watch it—NOW!

04-28-09

Live-Action Ninja Turtles Return for 2011

In geeky movie news this month that makes me feel like a fifth-grader again, TMNT co-creater Peter Laird confirmed in Variety rumors of another live-action Turtles movie planned for 2011.  The announcement comes on the heels of TMNT’s 25th anniversary celebration.  Other than making me feel old, I’m also damn excited.  Because in Hollywood, everything I loved growing up in the 1980s is suddenly cool again.  The new Turtles film will be produced by Scott Mednick of Legendary Pictures, who is currently producing the soon to be released Where The Wild Things Are, another live-action fantasy film (which happens to be based on yet another completely awesome thing from my childhood).  And if these screenshots are any indication of what’s in store for the next TMNT, then color me green with excitement.

After the original live-action movie, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles films went from bad to worse, though 2007’s animated TMNT was OK.  Then again, I’m of the opinion that the first Turtles movie is one of the greatest if underrated comic book movies of all time—but I may be a little biased.  I was obsessed with all things Ninja Turtles as a kid.  Like really obsessed.  If it had a TMNT logo on it, I owned it.  I could quote the movies word for word (probably still can).

My wishlist for the new live-action Turtles movie:

• Darker, grittier, edgier Turtles truer to the original Mirage comic books.
• Curse words.  Most TMNT fans have grown up, and so should the movies.
• Sex (if only to satisfy my morbid curiosity). 
• Realstic CGI that doesn’t look like CGI.
• Back to basics origins/roots storyline. (Think Batman Begins.)
• April O’Neil, and anyone other than Paige Turco to play her.
• Blood, weapons, and graphic violence.
• Moar Raphael.*

Things I could live without:

• Shell-tastic turtle puns.
• Any character who exists solely in the Archie comics series.
• No Venus.
• Random kid-who-meets-the-Turtles character (a’la Keno in Turltes II, and later Yoshi in Turtles III).
• Any storyline involving time travel.
• A Turtles-themed rap song.
• A PG rating.
• Cowabunga.

The sucky part about all this?  Waiting two years.

*Raphael is still the coolest turtle, and if you don’t agree with me, I’m not sharing my Ninja Turtles fruit snacks with you.

04-26-09

Totally Emo Movie Heroes

There’s been a disturbing trend in Hollywood over the last couple of years: invasion of the emos.  Aparently we girls like our movie heroes hot, angry, and whiny.  For whatever reason, the hot male lead + pent-up angst formula seems to be working, because emo sells.  All of the specimens listed here can typically be found staring soul-searchingly out from the pages of Tigerbeat, or starring unwillingly in the steamy chapters of Mary Sue fanfics written by obsessed teenage girls.

Edward Cullen

‘Twilight’ 2008

Most emo line:
“I don’t have the strength to stay away from you anymore.”

Favorite emo accessory:
A well-tailored custom peacoat.

Recognizable by his brooding stares, perfectly disheveled hair and stalker tendencies, Edward Cullen is a product of the romantic fantasies of 30-something author Stephanie Meyer, who would like you to believe he’s a dangerous vampire despite not drinking human blood and having no fangs.  Edging out Buffy’s Angel in “the vampire who wants to be good” market, Edward Cullen is a vampy hero who spends the majority of his time obnoxiously torturing himself over his human love interest, the perpetual damsel-in-distress Bella Swan.  Superficially played by Robert Pattinson, who never read the books and never misses an opportunity to make fun of his own sculpted-browed character.

Harry Potter

‘Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban’ 2004

Most emo line:
“HE WAS THEIR FRIEND!!!”

Favorite emo accessory:
An invisibility cloak, to hide his spontaneous fits of crying.

There is perhaps no hero more emo than boy-wizard Harry Potter, who, among other things, struggles with school, girls, dead parents, abusive relatives, and an evil dark wizard who constantly tries to murder him.  In a way, his emo-ness is probably the most justified.  Some of Harry’s favorite activities include mouthing off to teachers and Slytherins, alienating his two best friends, staring longingly at pretty Hogwarts girls, and wallowing in the “nobody understands me” variety of self-pity.  Played by Daniel Radcliffe, whose acting (thankfully) seems to be getting better with each movie.

Anakin Skywalker

‘Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith’ 2005

Most emo line:
“Nooooooooooooooooooo!”

Favorite emo accessory:
A lightsaber, for murdering Jedi children.

Better known as Darth Vader, Anakin Skywalker is the tragic antihero of the Star Wars universe.  Played by a young and virile Hayden Christensen, Darth Vader’s youth is a far cry away from the crusty old white man unmasked in the orginal Episode VI.  Unfortunately Christensen’s acting kinda sucks, so his verbal transition to the dark side is often ripe with unintentional humor.  Anakin’s favorite hobbies: disagreeing with the Jedi Council, chillin’ with Darth Sidious, brooding over visions of Padme dying (then later helping the process along by choking her—with his MIND), and whining because he wasn’t bestowed the title of Jedi Master.  Now that I think about it, most evil overlords act pretty emo, don’t they? I urge you to recognize the warning signs.

The Phantom of the Opera

‘The Phantom of the Opera’ 2004

Most emo line:
“The world showed no compassion to me!”

Favorite emo accessory:
A mask that hides half of his hideous face.

Despite being 50% brutally hot and having a tremendous singing voice, the Phantom, an eternal pessimist, refuses to recognize his inner beauty and instead uses his deformity as his justification for murdering, stealing, and of course, stalking the beautiful Christine Daae.  But it’s not actor Gerard Butler’s fault.  Gaston Leroux’s iconic Phantom of the Opera, once a ruthless and fearsome character, has been emasculated into the whining, crying, opera-singing emo kid most people are familiar with today, thanks to Broadway legend Andrew Lloyd Weber.  

Spider-Man

‘Spider-Man 3′ 2007

Most emo line:
“I don’t need your help!”

Favorite emo accessory:
His emo flip haircut. 

As if Peter Parker wasn’t emo enough—you know, crying about his dead Uncle Ben and pining over Mary Jane—in Spider-Man 3, Toby Macguire gets what can only best be described as an extreme emo makeover, ruining an otherwise decent third installment of the blockbuster Marvel franchise.

Futhermore, WTF is this?

 

04-21-09

The Greatest Movie Quotes Have Six Words

I’m not sure what tear in the space-time continuum enabled me to notice, but the greatest movie quotes have only six words.  Don’t ask me why!  What I do know is that it was fun to go through all my DVDs to dig up these awesome screenshots for you.

“May the force be with you.”

What can be said about this quote that hasn’t been said already? Every time Han Solo utters these epic words to Luke Skywalker before going on his mission to destroy the Death Star, every Star Wars fanboy gets a little wood.  Admit it.

“No time for love, Dr. Jones!”

Monkey brains, a dude that rips people’s hearts out of their bare chests, kamikaze rope bridge maneuvers, Harrison Ford when he was still hot—this movie had it all.  And it also had the greatest sidekick ever, Short Round, played by Jonathan Ke Quan, before he went on to yet another inspiring stereotypical Asian role involving boobytraps: Data from The Goonies.

Speaking of which…

“Man…you smell like Phys Ed!”

Baby Ruths bring even the unlikeliest of friends together.  Who knew annoying fat kids and smelly deformed mutants could be BFFs?

“English, motherfucker, do you speak it?!”

 

Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t like it when you say “what,” especially multiple times.  But he loves daring you to say it again.

“I have to return some videotapes.”

That’s Patrick Bateman-speak for murdering yuppies and hookers with an axe. 

“I don’t appreciate your ruse, Ma’am.”

Ruse (rooz) [Middle English]: A cunning attempt to trick Randal Graves, RST Video’s underachieving Employee of the Year.  There’s nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?

“You remind me of the babe!”

“What babe?” you ask.  Why, the babe with the power, of course.  The power of voodoo—well you know the rest.

And last but not least…

“Nobody puts Baby in a corner.”

The most profound six words ever committed to film.

Bonus 5-word honorable mention:

“Never rub another man’s rhubarb.”