04-26-09

Totally Emo Movie Heroes

There’s been a disturbing trend in Hollywood over the last couple of years: invasion of the emos.  Aparently we girls like our movie heroes hot, angry, and whiny.  For whatever reason, the hot male lead + pent-up angst formula seems to be working, because emo sells.  All of the specimens listed here can typically be found staring soul-searchingly out from the pages of Tigerbeat, or starring unwillingly in the steamy chapters of Mary Sue fanfics written by obsessed teenage girls.

Edward Cullen

‘Twilight’ 2008

Most emo line:
“I don’t have the strength to stay away from you anymore.”

Favorite emo accessory:
A well-tailored custom peacoat.

Recognizable by his brooding stares, perfectly disheveled hair and stalker tendencies, Edward Cullen is a product of the romantic fantasies of 30-something author Stephanie Meyer, who would like you to believe he’s a dangerous vampire despite not drinking human blood and having no fangs.  Edging out Buffy’s Angel in “the vampire who wants to be good” market, Edward Cullen is a vampy hero who spends the majority of his time obnoxiously torturing himself over his human love interest, the perpetual damsel-in-distress Bella Swan.  Superficially played by Robert Pattinson, who never read the books and never misses an opportunity to make fun of his own sculpted-browed character.

Harry Potter

‘Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban’ 2004

Most emo line:
“HE WAS THEIR FRIEND!!!”

Favorite emo accessory:
An invisibility cloak, to hide his spontaneous fits of crying.

There is perhaps no hero more emo than boy-wizard Harry Potter, who, among other things, struggles with school, girls, dead parents, abusive relatives, and an evil dark wizard who constantly tries to murder him.  In a way, his emo-ness is probably the most justified.  Some of Harry’s favorite activities include mouthing off to teachers and Slytherins, alienating his two best friends, staring longingly at pretty Hogwarts girls, and wallowing in the “nobody understands me” variety of self-pity.  Played by Daniel Radcliffe, whose acting (thankfully) seems to be getting better with each movie.

Anakin Skywalker

‘Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith’ 2005

Most emo line:
“Nooooooooooooooooooo!”

Favorite emo accessory:
A lightsaber, for murdering Jedi children.

Better known as Darth Vader, Anakin Skywalker is the tragic antihero of the Star Wars universe.  Played by a young and virile Hayden Christensen, Darth Vader’s youth is a far cry away from the crusty old white man unmasked in the orginal Episode VI.  Unfortunately Christensen’s acting kinda sucks, so his verbal transition to the dark side is often ripe with unintentional humor.  Anakin’s favorite hobbies: disagreeing with the Jedi Council, chillin’ with Darth Sidious, brooding over visions of Padme dying (then later helping the process along by choking her—with his MIND), and whining because he wasn’t bestowed the title of Jedi Master.  Now that I think about it, most evil overlords act pretty emo, don’t they? I urge you to recognize the warning signs.

The Phantom of the Opera

‘The Phantom of the Opera’ 2004

Most emo line:
“The world showed no compassion to me!”

Favorite emo accessory:
A mask that hides half of his hideous face.

Despite being 50% brutally hot and having a tremendous singing voice, the Phantom, an eternal pessimist, refuses to recognize his inner beauty and instead uses his deformity as his justification for murdering, stealing, and of course, stalking the beautiful Christine Daae.  But it’s not actor Gerard Butler’s fault.  Gaston Leroux’s iconic Phantom of the Opera, once a ruthless and fearsome character, has been emasculated into the whining, crying, opera-singing emo kid most people are familiar with today, thanks to Broadway legend Andrew Lloyd Weber.  

Spider-Man

‘Spider-Man 3′ 2007

Most emo line:
“I don’t need your help!”

Favorite emo accessory:
His emo flip haircut. 

As if Peter Parker wasn’t emo enough—you know, crying about his dead Uncle Ben and pining over Mary Jane—in Spider-Man 3, Toby Macguire gets what can only best be described as an extreme emo makeover, ruining an otherwise decent third installment of the blockbuster Marvel franchise.

Futhermore, WTF is this?

 

04-21-09

The Greatest Movie Quotes Have Six Words

I’m not sure what tear in the space-time continuum enabled me to notice, but the greatest movie quotes have only six words.  Don’t ask me why!  What I do know is that it was fun to go through all my DVDs to dig up these awesome screenshots for you.

“May the force be with you.”

What can be said about this quote that hasn’t been said already? Every time Han Solo utters these epic words to Luke Skywalker before going on his mission to destroy the Death Star, every Star Wars fanboy gets a little wood.  Admit it.

“No time for love, Dr. Jones!”

Monkey brains, a dude that rips people’s hearts out of their bare chests, kamikaze rope bridge maneuvers, Harrison Ford when he was still hot—this movie had it all.  And it also had the greatest sidekick ever, Short Round, played by Jonathan Ke Quan, before he went on to yet another inspiring stereotypical Asian role involving boobytraps: Data from The Goonies.

Speaking of which…

“Man…you smell like Phys Ed!”

Baby Ruths bring even the unlikeliest of friends together.  Who knew annoying fat kids and smelly deformed mutants could be BFFs?

“English, motherfucker, do you speak it?!”

 

Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t like it when you say “what,” especially multiple times.  But he loves daring you to say it again.

“I have to return some videotapes.”

That’s Patrick Bateman-speak for murdering yuppies and hookers with an axe. 

“I don’t appreciate your ruse, Ma’am.”

Ruse (rooz) [Middle English]: A cunning attempt to trick Randal Graves, RST Video’s underachieving Employee of the Year.  There’s nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?

“You remind me of the babe!”

“What babe?” you ask.  Why, the babe with the power, of course.  The power of voodoo—well you know the rest.

And last but not least…

“Nobody puts Baby in a corner.”

The most profound six words ever committed to film.

Bonus 5-word honorable mention:

“Never rub another man’s rhubarb.”

02-11-09

Coraline: A modern day Wizard of Oz

Coraline is one of those movies I knew I would love before I even knew anything about it. Between being written by fantasy god Neil Gaiman, directed by Henry Selick (The Nightmare Before Christmas), and featuring dark and dreamy stop-motion visuals, it just had my name written all over it. Nevermind that I had never read the story*. I knew I had to see this movie the moment I heard about it.

And I was not disappointed.

From beginning to end, Coraline is an absolute delight on the eyes and ears. It was sort of like watching the inhabitants of a Victorian dollhouse come alive and invite the entire toy box over for tea. Every character was lovably quirky, funny, and memorable; including the personalities of the not-always-inanimate objects. Even the voice acting of Dakota Fanning and Teri Hatcher, two actresses whom I ordinarily don’t care for, was very well done. I found myself so absorbed that it didn’t even occur to me which famous person I was listening to, which is one thing I typically dislike about animated films–I tend to hear the celebrity, not the character.

And the visuals were top-notch, as usual, which seems to be standard for all of Henry Selick’s pictures so far. Kudos to LAIKA animation studio and the hundreds of talented people who brought the world of Coraline to brilliant life.

But Coraline isn’t just eye candy. Like most of Gaiman’s stories, Coraline has a good message, and delivers it with a bit of clever wit wrapped in childlike intrigue. Moviegoers may find Coraline’s storyline similar to Mirrormask, another of Gaiman’s stories-turned-movie, in which a young girl becomes disenchanted with her life and parents, escaping to a dreamworld where the grass seems greener at first, but soon discovers it to be a warped and nightmarish version of her own reality.

I’ve seen some critics already refer to this movie as a classic, and I don’t think I would disagree with that. In many ways, the story of Coraline is reminiscent of another classic, The Wizard of Oz. And like Dorothy, Coraline reminds us that there’s no place like home.

*Note to the book Nazis: Coraline is pretty faithful to its source material.

12-04-08

New Documentary for Disgruntled Star Wars Fanboys (and Fangirls)

I have a love/hate relationship with George Lucas.  I suspect we all do.  On the love side he has given us masterpieces like the original Star Wars and Indiana Jones films, and on the hate side he’s shit out things like Jar Jar Binks and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

So naturally my interest was peaked when I heard about upcoming documentary film The People vs. George Lucas, that “explores the unique, ambivalent, and sometimes conflicted relationship that Star Wars fans, for the past thirty years, continue to enjoy with the Star Wars franchise and its creator, George Lucas.”

I don’t know if “enjoy” is the right word, but “conflicted” is true enough.  Haven’t we all had those moments of quiet reflection upon our 85th re-watch of The Empire Strikes Back where we think to ourselves how life was somehow better in the days before George “perfected” his vision?  Anyone?

The documentary will voice opinions from fans on both sides of the Lucas love/hate dichotomy, and is currently soliciting contributions–in the form of self-interview video submissions–from Star Wars fans around the globe.  Some lucky fans may even end up starring in the film–how cool is that?  The film’s website has a link to a detailed submission guidelines PDF (and of course a release form).

So if you’re an opinionated Star Wars fan, now’s your chance to grab a video camera and air your complaints and grievances and/or undying love for George Lucas.

12-02-08

Fantasy Movies in Production Limbo

The Power of the Dark Crystal

If you were a kid raised on The Muppet Show in the 1970s and early 80s, it was inevitable that you saw The Dark Crystal, Jim Henson and Brian Froud’s epic 1982 fantasy movie. Although many kids were admittedly terrified by it, there were some, like me, who loved The Dark Crystal and to this day have a special place in our hearts for movies starring puppets. So when it was announced back in 2005 that there would be a sequel, Froudian fans everywhere rejoiced, reliving our fondest Gelfling memories.

But going on four years later with very few official updates, we’re starting to get pretty apprehensive. The latest official word from The Jim Henson Company came in January 2008, assuring us the movie was “deep in development” and that they’re “committed to it as ever.” However, there has since been major plot changes, a constant turnover of directors, and little to no official promotion. I and every other fan will be shocked if this movie makes it out by 2009.

 

 

Ender’s Game

Somewhat of a joke amongst book nerds and science fiction fans, the Ender’s Game movie has become pretty much analogous to hell freezing over. Plagued by complications from the start, the film adaptation of Orson Scott Card’s awe-inspiring 1977 novel Ender’s Game has undergone several major screenplay rewrites, director changes, and financing issues. Indeed, screenplay rights have been abandoned by Warner Bros. and withheld from Fox as well as several major directors, whose visions Card did not agree with. Apart from the pre-production setbacks, the film must also contend with the inevitable (and expensive) problems of featuring a huge amount of special effects, sophisticated child actors, and of course, living up to all the fans’ extremely high expectations.

At the time of this writing, no studios have yet picked up the rights. But Card remains optimistic the film will find the right studio and director, and refuses to compromise his vision. That’s both good and bad news for us fans of the Enderverse, who will ultimately be rewarded with a much better quality film, but must wait a long, long time for it.

 

Alice

A movie based on a computer game based on Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland? Sounds convoluted, but there are plenty of fans and gamers anxiously awaiting this film adaptation of popular PC game Alice, the dark and somewhat twisted re-invention of Lewis Carroll’s Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland from creative game designer American McGee.

Unfortunately for us fans, production on this movie has come to a grinding halt. After changes at Universal, Marcus Nispel no longer directing, and Sarah Michelle Gellar no longer playing Alice, producer Scott Faye is back to square one, and a new script is in the works. Gellar has chalked it up to being “the victim of regime change in the studio.”  But one has to wonder if this film project isn’t already overshadowed by the announcement that Tim Burton will make an eerily similar grown-up vision of Alice in Wonderland himself (naturally starring Johnny Depp is the Mad Hatter)? As a huge fan of Lewis Carroll’s original book, I’m of course excited by the prospect of either movie, but it doesn’t look as though American McGee’s version will happen anytime soon.

 

Artemis Fowl

Poor Artemis Fowl fans.  They’ve been awaiting this movie for years now, after it was originally announced way back in 2001.  Numerous reasons are speculated to have caused the serious delay, particularly  a series of conflicts between Disney and Miramax over rights ownership.  How serious has the delay been?  Serious enough for IMDB to completely remove Artemis Fowl from its listings (go ahead, try to find it).

But supposedly the dispute has since been resolved, and author Eoin Colfer is said to have finished the movie’s script, which will be a combination of the first two books in the series.  Yet official updates on the film’s status have been few and far between at best.  Will fans have to wait until 2010 (or beyond) to see Artemis Fowl on the big screen?

The Subtle Knife

This one absolutely breaks my heart, but I’m afraid The Subtle Knife, the second book of Philip Pullman’s amazing His Dark Materials trilogy, won’t be hitting theaters anytime soon, if ever.

When the movie adaptation of Pullman’s first book, The Golden Compass, failed to meet U.S. box office expectations despite its generally positive critical reception, studio execs effectively pulled the plug on its sequel.  Perhaps The Golden Compass’ $180 million price tag (the most expensive New Line Cinema film ever) had more to do with its failure than actual box office returns–worldwide, The Golden Compass took in over $380 million.  But New Line had already washed its hands of the U.S. commercial flop by the time its success was realized.

 

So where does that leave the fate of The Subtle Knife?  Despite producer Deborah Forte’s desire to continue making these films, so much time has already passed, it is difficult to imagine a sequel involving the same cast (especially child actress Dakota Blue Richards, who did an amazing job as Lyra Belaqua).  Not to mention how hard it would be to keep the production visually consistent if taken on by another studio.  That’s too bad for us fans of the books, as well as everyone who never read the book and were left feeling confused as hell by the first film’s ending.

11-28-08

A vampire movie done right

How does a movie manage to be dark and deeply disturbing, yet tender and touching in the same breath? Swedish vampire film Let the Right One In (Låt den rätte komma in) is a beautifully-told macabre fantasy story that accomplishes exactly that.

Oskar (Kåre Hedebrant) is a quiet but troubled twelve year old who is bullied by his classmates and doesn’t know how to stand up for himself. His life begins to change when he befriends Eli (Lina Leandersson), the mysterious girl who moves into the apartment next door.  But when Oskar’s small snowy hometown is devastated by a series of grisly murders, he starts to realize his new best friend and love interest is not the girl she pretends to be.

Let the Right One In is part coming of age story, part atmospheric horror.  Never too obvious or overly deliberate, it’s a subtle and slowly-building story punctuated by gory visuals that are jarringly terrifying against the film’s otherwise serene and isolated snowbound setting.  Director Tomas Alfredson’s use of special effects is welcomingly understated in favor of a few blink-and-you-might-miss them moments of pure shock, underscored by gruesome visuals and an uncomfortable feeling of foreboding.

Most disturbing, however, is Oskar’s dangerous infatuation with Eli despite the horrifying things she is capable of.  It’s the focus on the delicate relationship between these two alienated youths that really sets this film apart and establishes new standards for what good vampire movies should be.

11-26-08

Top 5 Most Anticipated Fantasy Flicks for 2009

#5 -The Elfstones of Shannara

The Elfstones of Shannara is the story of two intertwined destinies–that of Wil Ohmsford, grandson of legendary Shea Ohmsford, and Amberle Elessedil, who must go on a quest together to save the Ellcrys, the dying Elvish tree.  Ellcrys remains the last stronghold of magic protecting The Four Lands from the onslaught of the Demon World, and only Amberle, last disciple of the Druid Allanon, has the power to save it.

Director Mike Newell (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire) will bring The Elfstones of Shannara, the second book of The Original Shanarra Trilogy by Terry Brooks, to the big screen in 2009, release date to be announced.

#4 – The Alchemyst: The Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel

The Alchemyst: The Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel is a contemporary fantasy that mixes ancient philosophy and renaissance history with a modern-day setting. Twin teens Josh and Sophie Newman work at a San Francisco bookstore/café for a bookkeeper whom they soon discover is actually Nicholas Flemel, the legendary ancient alchemist and keeper of The Codex. Nicholas and his wife Perenelle have been living eternally by drinking the Elixir of Life. When necromancer Dr. John Dee steals The Codex, Josh and Sophie are unexpectedly drawn into a world of magic and mystery to help Nicholas recover The Codex or face the world’s destruction at Dee’s hand.

The first book of the six-part The Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel series by Irish author Michael Scott, The Alchemyst will be a major motion picture by New Line Cinema in 2009. The film is currently in pre-production, with no official release date yet.

#3 – Inkheart

Inkheart is the story of a bookish young girl named Meggie and her father Mo, who has an extraordinary ability: when he reads books aloud, he brings them to life. The first book of the widely successful Inkworld trilogy, Inkheart is a charming tale by beloved children’s author Cornelia Funke. Similar to 2008’s The Spiderwick Chronicles, Inkheart is geared toward a younger audience set, and a definite family film.

Although not one of my favorite books (surprising, considering how much I adored The Thief Lord also by Cornelia Funke), the film’s trailer looks promising enough, and full of action, which is something I felt the book sorely lacked. Inkheart stars Brendan Frasier as Mo and child star Eliza Bennett as Meggie, and is set for a January 2009 release.

#2 – Warcraft

What we know: Warcraft will be a live-action movie by Legendary Pictures based on Blizzard’s hugely popular Warcraft series of PC games and World of Warcraft, the massively successful MMO. The PG-13 rated movie will be told from an Alliance perspective, and its storyline will be set one year before the events that unfold in World of Warcraft.

What we don’t know: Anything else. There’s still no images, no trailers. Not even an official web site. Yet Blizzard has confirmed, through a series of cryptic winks and nudges, that this movie is still very much in production. It’s hard to believe this movie will be a reality in 2009, considering how shrouded in mystery it seems to be. Not a word was breathed about the film at BlizzCon 2008, a huge disappointment for thousands of fans anxious for any kind of update they can get.

Update 1/23/2009: Quote from Blizzard:

“We are in fact working on a movie with Legendary Pictures, but we don’t have any new information to share with everyone just yet. At the 2007 BlizzCon, we even had a special panel with a little bit about the plans for the film. I’m sure you can find video on it or reports on it.

Just as an additional informational bit, it will be Live Action.

I’m quite sure there will be plenty of action, but there’s a story to be told too. I couldn’t tell you more though.”

Update 7/22/2009:  Sam Raimi confirmed as director!!

#1 – Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Imagine looking forward to a movie you’re really excited about. Not just any movie, but the sixth and most crucial film adaptation of the bestselling book series of all time. The release date draws near. You start seeing posters, promotions, production stills. Your excitement builds. You watch the trailer, and it looks amazing. You cannot wait to pre-order your tickets. And then you find out it’s getting delayed. By eight months.

That’s exactly what Warner Bros. did to millions of excited Potter fans eagerly awaiting the release of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Just two months before the film’s originally-scheduled November 2008 release date, Warner Bros. announced it would be moving the release date to July 2009. The backlash was immediate. There were petitions, boycotts, and a flood of strongly-worded emails to Warner Bros. studio execs. Their reasoning—some vague excuse about the writers’ strike impacting their bottom line—was hard to swallow, especially after watching them rake in hundreds of millions from last summer’s box office megahit The Dark Knight. Yet despite our outrage, we all know that come next July we’ll still be pre-ordering our tickets and lining up in droves at the eventual midnight release.

(I’m still bitter, can’t you tell?)

11-26-08

The Twilight Effect

Last Friday night, I dragged three of my girlfriends out to the movies to see a little film called Twilight. Perhaps you’ve heard of it?

If you haven’t, I will assume you’re either a shut-in or a male.  After all, it was a 75% female-dominated audience that contributed to Twilight’s staggering $70 million opening weekend, a huge coupe for director Catherine Hardwicke and Summit Entertainment.  To help put that figure in perspective, Twilight’s success ranks in the top 4 November box office figures of all time–ahead of summer blockbuster Transformers, and the latest James Bond flick . As it turns out, Twilight also boasts the highest ranking box office debut ever for a female director.  Considering the economic crisis we’re supposed to be in, these numbers are even more impressive.  So impressive, in fact, that Summit Entertainment has already announced plans to begin pre-production on Twilight’s sequel, New Moon.

But none of this news comes as a surprise to Twilight’s legions of diehard fans, whose fierce display of buying power previously helped propel all four books of The Twilight Saga onto the bestseller list, and keep them there, making author Stephenie Meyer a huge success.  Even Eclipse, Meyer’s third book of the series, dethroned Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows from the bestseller list.

But let’s back up to a few months ago, before I had so much as read a single page of this hugely popular series, before I saw the movie (twice), and before I knew I was on Team Edward, or that there even was a Team Edward.  I remember casually surfing the interwebs, minding my business as usual, and coming across an occasional Twilight glimmer: a movie ad, a book review, some obsessed fangirl’s glittering “Bella ♥’s Edward” forum signature.  It was easy enough to ignore–at first.  But it wasn’t long before Twilight propaganda seemed to creep into every facet of every web site I ever visited.  (My hat’s off to whomever is behind Twilight’s aggressive web marketing campaign, by the way.)  So I guess it was inevitable that I’d eventually click one of the ads and watch the movie trailer, right?

My reaction went something like this:

• That looks pretty cool, I guess…
• And that vampire guy is pretty hot!
• Oh hey, it’s Cedric Diggory from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
• I’m a Harry Potter fan, maybe I’ll like this movie too?
• And Paramore is on the soundtrack!? I LOVE Paramore!
• November 21st? What a coincidence, because that’s the same weekend Half-Blood Prince was supposed to come out…

The next thing I knew, I was headed for the local library to check out the first book, which I soon discovered was a complete impossibility.  Checked out; on hold; back-ordered; transferred to another branch–every single one of the fifty-something copies fell into one of these categories.  What was going on here?  Why is Twilight so popular?  Like many uninitiated fans before me, I set out to unravel this mystery.  Hell, I thought, maybe if the books are that good, I should just buy them.

So I did.

And that’s how I discovered the secret sauce, if you will, of what makes The Twilight Saga so successful.  The recipe consists of teen angst, sexual tension, impossibly good-looking main characters living impossibly idealistic lives, and a heavy dose of romance delivered to the sappiest degree possible.  Simply put, these books are pure escapism.  No real substance, but no real need for it, either.  I could elaborate further, but I’ve already done that here, here, and here.  Yet despite how unremarkable these books really are, I spent an entire week consumed by them.  And I’ve already seen the movie twice.  And I’m anxiously awaiting its sequel.

What the hell have I gotten myself into?