Ah, good old Tina Paladrino: Teacher. Sidekick. Fashion victim.
Even back in 1988, I have no idea where you would have been able to buy outfits as tacky as hers. They’re even tacky for Saved by the Bell, perhaps only a slight improvement over Nikki, who was kind of a Miss Paladrino in miniature–but at least Nikki has the excuse of being in junior high. As the show’s second fiddle, Tina’s blinding, jewel tone palette stands in such stark contrast to Miss Bliss’s tastefully understated couture, the whole thing comes off as a desperate plea for attention. The only thing more ridiculous than Miss Paladrino’s outfits are her facial expressions.
Let’s critique her Top 20 fashion abortions, shall we? Come on, it’ll be fun.
#1 – Bow Tie Tit Constrictor
This first one has it all: gigantic shoulder pads, suspenders (whose only purpose seem to be squashing Tina’s already too-small breasts), and more hot pink than should be allowed. It even has a theme. Do you know what it is? If you said “bow ties,” eh, okay. I would have also accepted “fugly.”
#2 – Purple Regret
This outfit belongs on a 12-year-old girl who plays with Barbies, not a grown-ass woman. Also, note the purple scrunchie on her head. As you’ll soon learn, this is the start of a trend where Miss Paladrino continually amazes me with her ability to find matching hair accessories just as ugly if not more so than her outfits.
#3 – Re-purposed Purple Regret
Believe it or not, this very familiar-looking get-up is from a completely different episode. I’m guessing this scene was shot back-to-back with the scene above, and the wardrobe people had to scramble to modify Tina’s look in the hopes we wouldn’t notice the recycled scrunchie and cardigan. Either that or Miss Paladrino is a slob who doesn’t regularly do her laundry. Either way, this silk flower nightmare look is a slight improvement over the last. Slight.
#4 – Excess-ories
WTF are those things? Alligators? Angry fish? Retarded sharks? The sad part is this outfit would have been fine without them.
#5 – Tuxedon’t
Ladies, dressing like a man is not cute. The only time it’s acceptable is if your name is Paula Abdul and you’ve time traveled back to 1988. And here again with the matching scrunchie.
#6 – Colorblock Cockblock
The colorblocks really accentuate those shoulder pads. Even her goddamn scrunchie is colorblocked. This outfit repels cocks, is what I’m saying.
#7 – Neon Identity Crisis
Her jacket can’t decide what color it wants to be. It also makes her look 50 pounds overweight. SO HOT.
#8 – K-Mart Cowgirl
Oh my god, it’s a fucking cow print skirt! And a parade of little cows printed across her shirt! WHERE DO YOU EVEN FIND THIS STUFF? I’m a little disappointed there isn’t also a cow-print scrunchie.
Let’s get a closer look at those chest cows (which by the way, lol):
#9 – Green Striped Shame
At this point Miss Paladrino is single-handedly keeping the scrunchie makers in business.
#10 – Polka Dot Desperation
What’s worse than a frumpy cardigan with gigantic polka dots on it?
A frumpy skirt with tiny polka dots on it. Also, is the tie really necessary? At this point I have to assume she’s actively trying to make herself more unattractive.
#11 – Bow Tie Polka Dot Bastard
If outfits #1 and #5 had an illegitimate lovechild, this is what it would look like.
#12 – Whore of the Roses
There are even more roses on her back, you guys. SIMPLY AMAZING.
#13 – Major Moron
The only thing more pathetic than wearing fake Army decorations is the amount of time it must have taken to transform an ordinary t-shirt into whatever the hell this is.
#14 – Lesbian
Sorry, I don’t have anything more creative to say about this one.
#15 – Printed Depression
In this episode, Miss Paladrino gets all depressed because her boyfriend Donny left her. I blame this shirt.
…and then her next outfit plants her firmly in psycho ex-girlfriend territory.
#16 – Tiebreaker
The last of too-many times when Miss Paladrino wears a tie, with a special encore by The Scrunchie From Outfit #11.
#17 – Checkered Cheesevomit
This outfit even makes Miss Bliss look like she wants to vomit.
#18 – Polka Dot Princess
It’s official now.
#19 – Polka Dot Princess II
Jesus this woman loves dots. It’s unhealthy.
#20 – Tina Plaidadrino
Puns are awesome. Shut up.
Before it was retconned as the first season of SBTB, Good Morning Miss Bliss lasted for one brief, 13-episode season before cancellation. IS MISS PALADRINO’S WARDROBE TO BLAME?? I don’t think that’s too unreasonable an assumption.