SHARK BAIT, HOO HA HA!
In honor of Shark Week, which, frankly, I’m a little surprised isn’t a national holiday yet, I give you my Top 10 favorite sharks from cartoons.
#10 – That time Mr. T beat the shit out of one.
When Mr. T isn’t pityin’ fools and rapping about treatin’ your mother right, he enjoys punching sharks right in their stupid faces. Watch the whole ridiculous (make that ridiculously AWESOME) clip right here.
#9 – This lame but friendly shark from Captain Planet.
Captain Planet taught me that not all sharks are soulless killing machines. Sometimes they’re of the friendly, jellyfish-eating variety that play an important role in the environment, and occasionally like to be petted. GO PLANET!
#8 – Black Widow Shark from ThunderCats
Attacking anyone who dares try to cross the dreaded River of Despair, Black Widow Shark is part black widow spider, part shark, 100% awesome.
#7 – Mako from TigerSharks
Every bad idea that Rankin/Bass didn’t use for ThunderCats became TigerSharks, a short-lived cartoon about heroes that could transform into sea creatures with incredibly obvious names. Can anyone guess what their leader, Mako, transforms into? Anyone?
#6 – Demon Shark from Scooby Doo
There’s a demon shark in the foggy dark! In this episode of the original run of The Scooby Doo Show, the Demon Shark is a giant anthropomorphic shark that (SPOILER ALERT!) turns out to be Mr. Wells, the assistant manager at Aqualand. And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
#5 – Adventure Time Shark
Because a sword-fighting land shark who can grow his head back when decapitated needed to exist. That’s just how Adventure Time rolls.
#4 – Jabberjaw
Jabberjaw–the most futuristic shark you ever saw!–is a walking, talking, drum-playing shark in the year 2076. His personality is Curly from the Three Stooges meets Rodney Dangerfield, and despite not having opposable thumbs like his human band mates, he plays the shit out of those drums. I want some of whatever Hanna Barbera was smoking back in the 70s.
#3 – Kenny the Shark
From the short-lived cartoon of the same name, Kenny is a shark who got bored with his ocean life and decided to go live on land. He meets and becomes best friends with an 11-year-old girl named Kat, who keeps him as a pet and is the only person who can talk to him. He kind of takes over Kat’s life and gets her into all sorts of trouble, when he’s not scarfing down seals and sushi. Actually, he can be a bit of a douche at times, but that’s just part of his charm. Sadly, only 26 episodes of this show were ever made.
#2 – Street Sharks
Speaking of rad shows that didn’t last very long, the Street Sharks–four mutated half-man, half-shark brothers who fight crime–may have been a cheap 90s knockoff of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but that doesn’t make them any less awesome, I mean, JAWSOME! I still think the Ninja Turtles could kick their asses, though.
#1 – Bruce from Finding Nemo
Despite being a gigantic great white shark, Bruce is a friendly sort of bloke, once you get to know him. You have to love a killer shark with a self-image problem who holds regular therapy sessions, a concept so ridiculously silly it earns him my #1 spot–just be careful not to bleed around him. Fish are friends, not food!
Honorable Mention: Sharky the Sharkdog
He’s not technically a shark so I couldn’t put him on my list, but I love Eek! the Cat too much not to mention it in this semi-relevant capacity. Though he’s a dog, Sharky has a fin and razor-sharp teeth just like a shark, and also lives to terrorize Eek. IT’S SHARKDOG AND HE’S HEADED RIGHT FOR US!!
Why isn’t anyone from Shark Tale on this list?
Because that movie sucks, shut up.