This one goes out to someone who’s never seen The Goonies.

Last week I was emailed by a friend who admitted to never having seen The Goonies, which I have preserved in a screenshot because I’m still having a hard time believing it’s true:

Goonies Email

My immediate reaction:

Chunk

Now bear in mind, this person (who shall go nameless) is over 30, loves comics, adventure, the 80s–basically all the same stuff you’d expect your typical Goonies fan to like–and what’s more surprising, my friend is even more dialed into pop culture than I am. SO HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone I’d consider my peer who hasn’t seen The Goonies. Right now I kind of feel like one of those National Geographic explorers who discovered an uncontacted tribe from an isolated region of South America. Saying you’ve never seen The Goonies is kinda like saying you’ve never eaten a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.

In my friend’s defense, at least they’ve recognized the lack of Goonies in their life as a rather serious pop culture blind spot and has sought help from a professional such as myself. As I’ve mentioned on the Cult Film Club podcast, and many times throughout this blog, The Goonies is one of my favorite movies of all time. In my dream pop culture road trip, I travel to Astoria, Oregon just to do the truffle-shuffle outside Mikey’s house. “Man…you smell like Phys Ed!” is one of my favorite six-word movie quotes. I try to yell HEY YOU GUYS! whenever an appropriate opportunity arises. And if you participated in my recent Goonies poll, you’d know I am Team Mouth. I fucking love The Goonies, is what I’m saying. And I am honored to have been asked for my opinion when this person is someone who’s own opinions I greatly value.

To that end, I am going to make good on my friend’s request. I am going to explain exactly why I think The Goonies is so awesome, and what’s more, I’m going to do it in a way that I know is extremely relevant to this person’s interests.

So here you go, my uninitiated friend. These are the Top 10 reasons why I feel you NEED to see this movie:

#10 – Because you’re always fighting for truth and justice.

So I know you will appreciate The Goonies’ plight. It’s about a group of misfits who find a centuries-old treasure map and go on a wild adventure to find the “rich stuff” in order to save their houses from a pair of rich, greedy developers who want to turn their neighborhood into a golf course–and did I mention they’re chased by a family of mobsters along the way?

Goonies Treasure Map

 #9 – You will learn how to say useful things in Spanish.

Because I know you are a person who values education above all else.

Mr. Walsh's Sexual Torture Devices

#8 – It’s full of things that just don’t look safe.

You’re always taking the time to warn me about the unforeseen dangers of this world, which I certainly appreciate. This movie positively oozes unsafe. So much so that you might even learn some tips yourself.

Brand Gets a Ride

The Fratelli's Basement

Toilet Blast

Chunk Oh Shit

Goonies Skeleton

#7 – This catchy-ass Cyndi Lauper song.

And more importantly, this Cyndi Lauper video because it has a cameo by ANDRE THE GIANT:

#6 –  These girls.

You will have fun deciding which one you like/dislike more.

Stef & Andy

#5 – It’s easy to relate to.

Because deep down we are all outcasts, just like The Goonies.

Goonies Outcasts

 #4 – It’s also a superhero movie.

Well, kind of. Okay, not really. But I assure you this guy is SUPER.

Sloth

#3 – There’s toys!

I don’t feel an explanation is necessary here.

Goonies Toys

Goonies Toy Packaging

#2 – It’s the best non-pirate movie about pirates ever.

Going by the stuff you post on your blog, I know you are a fan of pirates. You owe it to yourself to see this movie if only for the awesome pirate-y action toward the end.

Goonies Pirate Ship

And you just gotta love a pirate named “One-Eyed Willie.” You’re a perv like me, so I know you’ll appreciate the penis joke.

One-Eyed Willie

#1 – The Goonies hate cephalopods, too.

Never forget who’s on your side!

The infamous Giant Octopus attack only appears in certain televised versions of The Goonies, but is included on the DVD as a Special Feature. And hoo boy is it special! Data (whom you’ll recognize as “the Asian Goonie”) defeats it with a motherfucking cassette tape that plays 80′s music underwater. Like I said, SPECIAL.

Goonies Octopus Deleted Scene

Goonies Octopus Deleted Scene

Well there you have it, friend. If none of this convinces you The Goonies is awesome and that you are less cool for not having seen it, then I have failed as your designated 80′s movie spirit guide and must now go eat a Baby Ruth to cope with my shame.

Baby Ruth

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