NINJA FORCE FIVE, Assemble!

Yes, I’m still on vaca­tion. But how could I pass up a League topic like this?

“Who would you take in an 80′s char­ac­ter fan­tasy draft? Your team’s goal will be to defeat a shady con­glom­er­ate of Russ­ian busi­ness­men and their team of hired nin­jas. It’s go time.”

Mr. Miyagi

Task Force Role:

The Wise Leader

Spe­cial Skills:

• Extra­or­di­nary mar­tial arts skill passed down from gen­er­a­tions of Miyagi-Do karate teachings
• Dec­o­rated World War II vet­eran, awarded the Medal of Honor for bravery
• Deep philo­soph­i­cal knowl­edge of life
• Zen-like patience and sharp reflexes (pre­sum­ably from years of try­ing to catch flies with chopsticks)
• Respected sen­sei who gives karate lessons dis­guised as house­hold chores
• Mys­ti­cal heal­ing powers
• Handyman
• Bicy­cle repair
• Car restora­tion expert
• Cos­tume designer
• Fisherman
• On top of every­thing else, he’s a hell of a gar­dener and makes a fab­u­lous cup of tea.

Seri­ously, is there any­thing Mr. Miyagi can’t do? He leads Ninja Force Five with poise and grace, usu­ally dis­pens­ing wis­dom and train­ing from the side­lines, but doesn’t hes­i­tate to jump into the fray and kick seri­ous ass when needed. Bad guys, take note: don’t under­es­ti­mate Mr. Miyagi–he’ll fuck your shit up.

Richard “Data” Wang

Task Force Role:

Spe­cial Com­bat, Tech­ni­cal Expert

Spe­cial Skills:

• Invent­ing weapons, armor and spy tools from com­mon house­hold objects
• Set­ting “booty” traps
• Zipline mastery
• Flu­ent in Chi­nese (Needs work: English)

As the tin­kerer and inven­tor of the group, Data sup­plies all of the team’s weapons, armor and spy gear. Sure, they’re not exactly what you’d call “high tech,” and they don’t always work, but they get the job done. His loose grip on the Eng­lish lan­guage is often an unin­ten­tional advan­tage to Ninja Force Five in com­bat, as the bad guys are momen­tar­ily con­fused try­ing to fig­ure out what­ever the fuck he just said.

Sho’nuff, The Shogun of Harlem

Task Force Role:

Kung Fu Warrior

Spe­cial Skills:

• Kung-Fu Master
• Being the meanest
• Being the prettiest
• Being the bad­dest mofo low down around this town

Though highly skilled in Kung Fu, Sho’nuff is one crazy moth­er­fucker and often flies off the han­dle. But he’s con­stantly sur­rounded by a posse of hot bitches, so Ninja Force Five keeps him around.

Raphael, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

Task Force Role:

Ninja War­rior, Comic Relief

Spe­cial Skills:

• Ninjutsu
• Sai mastery
• Impen­e­tra­ble shell armor
• Sarcasm
• Pizza throwing
• He’s the only mem­ber of the team who can break the fourth wall
• Plus, he’s a mas­ter of disguise

As the only actual ninja in Ninja Force Five, Raphael is the go-to guy for all of the team’s ninja-related train­ing and knowl­edge, a role for which he gladly steps up as it makes him feel impor­tant and needed (some­thing he strug­gles with back home, liv­ing in Leonardo’s shadow). Expertly skilled with the sai, his close-up com­bat is bru­tal and his dis­tance, thrown attacks are deadly accu­rate. When he’s not shov­el­ing down pizza, he dis­penses both ass-kicking and wise­cracks with style and sar­cas­tic humor.

“Hand­some” John Pruitt

Task Force Role:

Vehi­cle Dri­ver, Backup

Spe­cial Skills:

• Com­mer­cial truck driver
• CB radio operator
• Vehi­cle repair and maintenance
• Handy with a gun
• Hand-to-hook close combat
• Decades of hard­ened high­way wisdom

Don’t be fooled by the hook–he may be a rough and tough high­way­man, but he’s got a heart of gold (so long as his wife isn’t sleep­ing with “that bas­tard” again). Pruitt trans­ports Ninja Force Five around incon­spic­u­ously in his big rig truck, which Data has tricked out with Ninja-fighting tech­nol­ogy. Though a hum­ble truck driver/sometimes-mechanic, Pruitt knows how to han­dle him­self when shit gets real. He’s been known to swoop in and save the day when you least expect it.

 The League Loves Ninjas!

Won­der­ing what this is all about? This week The League of Extra­or­di­nary Blog­gers was tasked with assem­bling a team of 80′s heroes to fight an evil Russ­ian con­glom­er­ate and their ninja assas­sins. Who did they pick?

• Under­Scoop­Fire! also recruited a Ninja Turtle!
• Green Plas­tic Squirt Gun could have just stopped at Chuck Norris.
• Mem­o­ries of Toy­mor­row recruited from his favorite Sat­ur­day morn­ing cartoons.

More stuff and things!