11-21-09

I didn’t realize New Moon was a comedy

All this week I purposely stayed away from the spoilers, the leaked clips, the early reviews, the 3 a.m. tweets, and the raving fangirl Twihards in socialmedialand.  I wanted to see New Moon without my already low opinion of Stephenie Meyer and her ilk tainting my experience.  So tonight I cast aside the “Twilulz” and gave New Moon a chance.

I want my $10.00 back.

New Moon started badly, ended badly, with plenty of suck in between. Now, I realize The Twilight Saga isn’t exactly profound literature.  I also realize I’m about ten years older than this franchise’s target audience.  But I also know the difference between good and bad movies, and New Moon is a terrible film.  The Twihards must be happy, though.  If they were hoping for a perfect smoldering-glare-by-smoldering-glare translation of the book, New Moon delivers.

It’s not like the concept of vampires versus werewolves is anything new, neither is the injection of a trite love triangle.  But when you take already-ridiculous subject matter and try to turn it into a serious film, usually one of two things happens:  1) You get something akin to Underworld.  2) Hilarity.  New Moon collapsed under the weight of its own attempt at being serious.  There were some moments when I felt like I was watching One Life to Live.  At other times, an after-school special.   Sure, I laughed during the parts where I was supposed to laugh.  There were plenty of intentionally funny moments peppered throughout the film, and these I enjoyed.  But I knew the movie was bad when I couldn’t stop laughing at the serious parts.  I wasn’t alone, either.  I heard snorts and stifled giggles all around me.

I found these bits especially lol-worthy:

• Grandma Swan’s thousand yard stare.
• Edward Cullen’s fondness for walking in slow-motion.
• CGI werewolves emote surprisingly well.  Almost as good as Falcor in the Neverending Story!
• Throngs of ambiguously gay shirtless wolfmen.
• Camera shots that make everything seem EPIC.
• Bella and Edward frolicking through the woods. Yes, frolicking.
• The Volturi’s drag makeup.
  
• Bella is evidently a Mac geek.  No wonder I hate her.

And those were just some of the good parts.  Aside from making me laugh inappropriately, the film’s music was another sore point.  The score seemed so out of place in most scenes, it was almost laughable.  In other places it was weirdly silent.  I really missed Carter Burwell’s beautiful Bella’s Lullaby theme from the first movie; I wish they had reprised it here.  In fact there was no trace of any kind of theme at all in New Moon; just the occasional soap opera-ish strings (you know, during the “smoldering glares“) and and endless playlist of sedate, instantly forgettable indie songs.  This is one illegal download I’ll skip.

New Moon has a running time of 2 hours.  By the 90 minute mark, I was praying for it to end.  Say what you want about Catherine Hardwicke’s gritty directing style, but she did a hell of a lot better on Twilight than Chris Weitz on New Moon.  It’s sad that I have to say this, but New Moon makes Twilight—a much lower budget film, I might add—look like an Oscar nominee. I don’t suppose it’s entirely Chris Weitz’s fault, though, considering the source.  New Moon is a shitty book, ergo, New Moon is a shitty movie.  I guess you can’t polish a turd.

God, I hate being right all the time!

07-15-09

Harry Potter and the Half-way Decent Movie

So it’s like 3:30 a.m., and I just got home from the midnight showing of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.  I could go to bed, but I had to get a few things off my mind first while my memories are still fresh.  Legilimens!

First, the good.  This movie was a LOT of fun.  As one of my Twitter pals put it, Half-Blood Prince felt like returning to high school and seeing all of your old friends.  Harry, Ron, and Hermione have always been at the heart of every Potter film, and HBP doesn’t deviate from this winning formula.  The film doesn’t waste any time getting right down to business, and it’s action-packed from start to finish.  From a plot standpoint, it had a lot of ground to cover (as all the Potter films do) and those two and a half hours just seem to fly by.  Overall it was a solid Potter film, and I’m sure it will hold up to many subsequent viewings, which are no doubt necessary to catch all the things you might have missed.  There was just so much going on in this movie it was almost overwhelming.

And now the not-so-good.  I don’t know if this is a byproduct of having been forced to wait an extra 9 months for its release and having inflated expectations or what, but HBP definitely had its shortcomings.  The downside to cramming so much stuff in is that there’s quite a bit left out.  And I’m not even one of those book Nazis that insists all movies must be 100% faithful to the book; not even close.  I just didn’t understand some of the logic behind the decisions made in this film’s case.  They had time to throw in a bunch of lengthy scenes that never happened, but they didn’t have time to include the ones that actually did?  I would rather see a film where they’re forced to leave things out due to time constraints versus just making up whatever the hell they want to.  Without giving anything away, the first 10 minutes of this film is a prime example.

Many parts of this film just didn’t feel like a Harry Potter movie at all when compared to the previous five.  I think a little too much liberty was taken, to the point that some of the things that make Potter movies feel like Potter movies was lost–which is really surprising, because I felt Yates did such a fantastic job with Order of the Phoenix.  Maybe I’m expecting too much; it’s just Harry Potter after all.  Or maybe I’m just getting too old for this shit.  I certainly felt old during the romcom-y bits when 90% of the theater was squealing like giddy schoolgirls.  It could not have been more apparent who this film’s target audience was.

Speaking of getting old, when did the students of Hogwarts all turn 30?  I realize Daniel Radcliffe and company have aged quite a bit since the first film, but I don’t think I saw any younger students at all in HBP.  You know what else I didn’t see?  Any information about the Half-Blood Prince whatsoever.  I feel bad for anyone who has never read the books that tries to watch this film; you will be hopelessly lost.

For the rest of you–the ones who’ve read the books–despite my pithy complaints, there’s a lot to love about the film version of Half-Blood Prince:

(Warning: HERE THERE BE SPOILERS.  Beware!)

Things I liked:

• The bits about Harry & Hermione’s friendship, particularly Dumbledore’s “curiosity.” So cute.
• Jim Broadbent’s turn as Slughorn; great job!
• Aragog’s funeral and Hagrid’s subsequent drinking binge.
• Snape bein’ all Snape-ish as only Snape can.
• Happy to see Tonks & Lupin together, however brief.
• Both kids who played Tom Riddle (age 11 & age 16) were fantastic!
• Michael Gambon’s Dumbledore was much better played this time around.

…And of course,  there were some things that needed improvement:

Things I could have done without:

• Jessie Cave as Lavender Brown.
• Pandering to the HP fangirl set.  Yes I realize HBP is the “O.C.” of all the Potter books, but the teen romance portrayed in this film was just over the top, to the point where I felt like the romantic subplots overshadowed the main one.
• Random black woman who comes on to Harry in a cafe.  Seriously, what is up with random black characters appearing in the Potter films?  It’s almost like the directors throw them in there for diversity’s sake.
• The heavy-handed direction.  I swear in some shots you could almost feel Yates thinking “Hmm, what crazy camera wizardry can I do to make this scene look cooler?”
• The Weasley’s house burning down.  Um, WTF??
• Fenrir Greyback.  Although an important character in the book, his presence added nothing to this movie.

Things I missed:

• The “feel” and spirit of Hogwarts just wasn’t there for me this time around.
• Did they even bother to put the main characters in uniforms during classes?
• Where the hell were all the younger students?  I don’t think I saw even one.
• Dumbledore’s funeral.  I wonder if we’ll see it in the beginning of Deathly Hallows? I felt the ending in general was kind of a cop-out.
• Cho Chang. I thought we’d at least see her in the background or something.
• Any background information whatsoever about the Half-Blood Prince.

P.S.  Did anyone else almost pee a little bit when Dumbledore (whom J.K. Rowling professes to be gay) starts telling Harry how he’s been fond of him since he was a little boy, and that they need to figure out the deal with the closet??  Unintentional hilarity FTW.

06-01-09

The New Moon Trailer: OMG Squee!*

*Disclaimer: I do not ever say things like “squee” or other words usually belonging to the vernacular of 12 year old  fangirls, but felt the disclaimer was necessary to save me from having to explain myself to idiots who can’t tell when I’m being sarcastic.

Here’s what all the fuss is about:

If the trailer is any indication, I believe New Moon is going to suck and suck hard, but it’s really not the filmmaker’s faults.  My lack of enthusiasm for the movie can be blamed on author Stephenie Meyer’s dreadful source material.  For your convenience, and for my own personal amusement, let’s re-cap Meyer’s super-epic plot to the sequel of Twilight, shall we?

• It’s Bella Swan’s birthday and her vampire friends throw her a party at their digs.
• At the party, Bella gets a paper cut.
• Jasper, one of the newest vampires, can’t control himself when he sees the blood.
• Predictably, he goes into a rage and lunges for Bella.
• Bella’s sexy vampire boyfriend Edward Cullen (pause to swoon here) saves the day…
• …But then tells Bella he must leave her forever in order to keep her safe, then peaces out.
• Bella can’t handle him leaving and goes all emo, borderline suicidal.
• That’s okay though, because there’s yet another sexy guy, Jacob Black, just waiting around to take Edward’s place.
• And Jacob just happens to be a werewolf.
• Jacob tries to get Bella to “drop that zero and get with the hero” but she ain’t havin’ none, and continues to mope around and do reckless things, like ride motorcycles and go cliff diving.
• At some point Jacob the Werewolf saves Bella from Laurent and Victoria, two random vampires turned villians, recycled from the plot of Twilight.
• Then out of nowhere, thanks to some weird, poorly-explained mixup courtesy of Edward’s sister Alice, who can see the future but fucks it up somtimes, Edward thinks Bella committed suicide.
• In true Romeo and Juliet fashion, Edward decides he can’t live without Bella either, and runs off to Italy to kill himself too.
• But Edward’s a vampire, and suicide is easier said than done.  Rather than try to explain about the evil Volturi and the other bullshit secondary characters that Meyer pulls out of her ass when she needs a plot, Edward’s suicide attempt can best be expressed as: DEATH BY SPARKLES.
• Just in the nick of time, Bella saves Edward from exposing himself thus saving him from the Volturi and there’s a big dramatic reunitement scene.
• Some other unimportant crap happens in Italy, then Bella, Edward, and the rest of the vampires return home.
• Bella wants desperately to become a vampire, and so she calls a Superfriends meeting where all the vampires take turns voting on whether or not it should happen.
• And like the ending of Twilight, Meyer recycles the same “does Bella become a vampire or not?” cliffhanger in New Moon.
• The end!

It’s mind-blowing stuff, I know.  If you really want, feel free to read my less than glowing review of the New Moon book over at Amazon.  It’s just all so ridiculous, even for a fantasy book based on vampires.  Most of the book’s 563 pages is spent with Bella, as she pines away for her lost vampire love, and let me tell you, it was hell reading through page after page of this:

“I was not allowed to think of him. That was something I tried to be very strict about. Of course I slipped; I was only human. But I was getting better, and so the pain was something I could avoid for days at a time now. The tradeoff was the never-ending numbness. Between pain and nothing, I’d chosen nothing.”

So by default, New Moon the film should at least be a slight improvement over New Moon the book, if only because the nature of the media spares you the literary torture.  But Hollywood isn’t dumb.  It knows there’s good money to be made by catering to the overzealous female fanbase that made the first film such a success.  Twilight fans want hot vampires, mushy romance, and plenty of Rob Pattinson screen time.  Make no mistake, New Moon will be one big fangirl orgy from start to finish.

But why take my word for it when you can read real reviews of the trailer written by (what I hope are) teenaged girls?

“ok WOW!!! new moon is going to be AH-Mazing, i love kristen’s face when she say ” kiss me” her eyebrow is funny! and the werewolf, i didnt even expect it to be that big, but OMg i love it!! but taylor GOOOOSSH!! i thought he was Hott, now he like fire! but edward was really sad!cant wait! woooo and bella looked eally pretty”

“The part when she got the paper cut and jasper tried to get her but, edward pushed her was so intensed i was like O.O”

“omg omg omg not going to faint but omg. that as freaking awsume. may i faint from how hot jacob is. p.s. i think the wolfy looks friendly”

“OMG! This movie looks even better than Twilight! It’s driving me crazy cause I wanna see it so bad! Idk if I can wait for November 20 to come! Btw: Jacob, so hot!”

Well there you have it.

04-16-09

Nothing ventured…

Surprise is a rare feeling for me to get from most games nowadays, but The Lost Crown is a rare breed of game—the kind that draws you in slowly, peeling away each rich layer of story, slow and methodical.  You are Nigel Danvers, treasure hunter and paranormal investigator, sent to seek your fortune—the ancient Anglo-Saxon crown—like many before you.  Atmospheric and steeped in mystery, the quaint English seaside town of Saxton and the surrounding countryside awaits your adventure…

Although ”a ghost-hunting adventure” is indeed an appropriate subtitle for this game, I believe it’s also the thing that originally turned me off, and the reason why I have not played this game until now.  I finally decided to give it a go after seeing it so highly recommended here and here.  I remember a few years back, seeing The Lost Crown on the store shelves, and quickly dismissing it as some kind of cliche horror title with vague, simplistic goals of capturing proof of the afterlife.  And while it’s true that you will spend a good portion of your playtime doing exactly that, The Lost Crown offers much, much more.

For starters, the game features a large cast of extremely well-developed characters—both living and dead—all with distinct personalities, backgrounds, & (often tragic) histories.  The quirky townspeople of Saxton are generally a simple and kindhearted folk, but the small town’s more sinister residents (and past residents) are the kind you wouldn’t want to meet in a dark alley, or say, in an ancient graveyard in the middle of the night! Every single line of dialog in this game is superbly voice acted.  The soundtrack is richly layered with Celtic music, ghostly voices, nature sounds, and a cacophony of eerie effects.  It never felt repetitive or uninteresting, and each location seemed to have its own auditory identity.  The starkly-contrasted black and white visuals are also highly effective in creating the overall mood.  Every scene features one small burst of color—such as the bright red of the phone booth, or the pale pink hues of the flowers—similar to those old hand-dyed photographs.  But whether its minimalist approach to graphics was a bold stylistic choice, or a result of budgetary restraints, The Lost Crown’s unique style oozes charm.

And I haven’t even mentioned how good the story is yet!  Saxton can best be described as a mystery wrapped in an enigma.  As its superstitious residents might say, “Not all is as it seems.”  Your adventure into the spirit world will uncover many grisly, terrible secrets, but it will also help some of the poor souls who are still lost and wandering.  The Lost Crown is equal parts scary and sentimental, and this, I feel, is one of its strong points.  There are plenty of scares, but plenty of tender moments too.  The game is also surprisingly long, but I say that to its credit.  There are far too many adventure games out there that are big on gimmicks and short on gameplay (cough, Still Life, cough).  The Lost Crown takes its time to tell its many related stories, and wraps them all up in an elegant package.  The game also boasts a good variety of creative puzzles, and although challenging, not once did I ever feel frustrated by them.

The Lost Crown is not flawless, however.  There were a few (minor) annoyances:

• Inability to skip through dialog quickly
• Too wide of a range on clickable “hot spots”, which can be cause for confusion
• Nigel walks very slooooooooooowly…
• Cumbersome inventory; you will walk around carrying 20+ things at any given time

 
But these things are all forgivable, especially considering the small size of the development team, led by the insanely talented game designer, Jonathan Boakes.  I loved this game so much that, before even finishing it, I felt compelled to buy the Limited “Pins & Needles” Edition of Dark Fall, Jonathan’s previous series of games.  Each edition is hand numbered & signed by the designer himself—I can’t wait to get my mits on this one!  And as for The Lost Crown, well…I will never judge another game by its cover again!

02-11-09

Coraline: A modern day Wizard of Oz

Coraline is one of those movies I knew I would love before I even knew anything about it. Between being written by fantasy god Neil Gaiman, directed by Henry Selick (The Nightmare Before Christmas), and featuring dark and dreamy stop-motion visuals, it just had my name written all over it. Nevermind that I had never read the story*. I knew I had to see this movie the moment I heard about it.

And I was not disappointed.

From beginning to end, Coraline is an absolute delight on the eyes and ears. It was sort of like watching the inhabitants of a Victorian dollhouse come alive and invite the entire toy box over for tea. Every character was lovably quirky, funny, and memorable; including the personalities of the not-always-inanimate objects. Even the voice acting of Dakota Fanning and Teri Hatcher, two actresses whom I ordinarily don’t care for, was very well done. I found myself so absorbed that it didn’t even occur to me which famous person I was listening to, which is one thing I typically dislike about animated films–I tend to hear the celebrity, not the character.

And the visuals were top-notch, as usual, which seems to be standard for all of Henry Selick’s pictures so far. Kudos to LAIKA animation studio and the hundreds of talented people who brought the world of Coraline to brilliant life.

But Coraline isn’t just eye candy. Like most of Gaiman’s stories, Coraline has a good message, and delivers it with a bit of clever wit wrapped in childlike intrigue. Moviegoers may find Coraline’s storyline similar to Mirrormask, another of Gaiman’s stories-turned-movie, in which a young girl becomes disenchanted with her life and parents, escaping to a dreamworld where the grass seems greener at first, but soon discovers it to be a warped and nightmarish version of her own reality.

I’ve seen some critics already refer to this movie as a classic, and I don’t think I would disagree with that. In many ways, the story of Coraline is reminiscent of another classic, The Wizard of Oz. And like Dorothy, Coraline reminds us that there’s no place like home.

*Note to the book Nazis: Coraline is pretty faithful to its source material.