11-21-09

I didn’t realize New Moon was a comedy

All this week I purposely stayed away from the spoilers, the leaked clips, the early reviews, the 3 a.m. tweets, and the raving fangirl Twihards in socialmedialand.  I wanted to see New Moon without my already low opinion of Stephenie Meyer and her ilk tainting my experience.  So tonight I cast aside the “Twilulz” and gave New Moon a chance.

I want my $10.00 back.

New Moon started badly, ended badly, with plenty of suck in between. Now, I realize The Twilight Saga isn’t exactly profound literature.  I also realize I’m about ten years older than this franchise’s target audience.  But I also know the difference between good and bad movies, and New Moon is a terrible film.  The Twihards must be happy, though.  If they were hoping for a perfect smoldering-glare-by-smoldering-glare translation of the book, New Moon delivers.

It’s not like the concept of vampires versus werewolves is anything new, neither is the injection of a trite love triangle.  But when you take already-ridiculous subject matter and try to turn it into a serious film, usually one of two things happens:  1) You get something akin to Underworld.  2) Hilarity.  New Moon collapsed under the weight of its own attempt at being serious.  There were some moments when I felt like I was watching One Life to Live.  At other times, an after-school special.   Sure, I laughed during the parts where I was supposed to laugh.  There were plenty of intentionally funny moments peppered throughout the film, and these I enjoyed.  But I knew the movie was bad when I couldn’t stop laughing at the serious parts.  I wasn’t alone, either.  I heard snorts and stifled giggles all around me.

I found these bits especially lol-worthy:

• Grandma Swan’s thousand yard stare.
• Edward Cullen’s fondness for walking in slow-motion.
• CGI werewolves emote surprisingly well.  Almost as good as Falcor in the Neverending Story!
• Throngs of ambiguously gay shirtless wolfmen.
• Camera shots that make everything seem EPIC.
• Bella and Edward frolicking through the woods. Yes, frolicking.
• The Volturi’s drag makeup.
  
• Bella is evidently a Mac geek.  No wonder I hate her.

And those were just some of the good parts.  Aside from making me laugh inappropriately, the film’s music was another sore point.  The score seemed so out of place in most scenes, it was almost laughable.  In other places it was weirdly silent.  I really missed Carter Burwell’s beautiful Bella’s Lullaby theme from the first movie; I wish they had reprised it here.  In fact there was no trace of any kind of theme at all in New Moon; just the occasional soap opera-ish strings (you know, during the “smoldering glares“) and and endless playlist of sedate, instantly forgettable indie songs.  This is one illegal download I’ll skip.

New Moon has a running time of 2 hours.  By the 90 minute mark, I was praying for it to end.  Say what you want about Catherine Hardwicke’s gritty directing style, but she did a hell of a lot better on Twilight than Chris Weitz on New Moon.  It’s sad that I have to say this, but New Moon makes Twilight—a much lower budget film, I might add—look like an Oscar nominee. I don’t suppose it’s entirely Chris Weitz’s fault, though, considering the source.  New Moon is a shitty book, ergo, New Moon is a shitty movie.  I guess you can’t polish a turd.

God, I hate being right all the time!

06-01-09

The New Moon Trailer: OMG Squee!*

*Disclaimer: I do not ever say things like “squee” or other words usually belonging to the vernacular of 12 year old  fangirls, but felt the disclaimer was necessary to save me from having to explain myself to idiots who can’t tell when I’m being sarcastic.

Here’s what all the fuss is about:

If the trailer is any indication, I believe New Moon is going to suck and suck hard, but it’s really not the filmmaker’s faults.  My lack of enthusiasm for the movie can be blamed on author Stephenie Meyer’s dreadful source material.  For your convenience, and for my own personal amusement, let’s re-cap Meyer’s super-epic plot to the sequel of Twilight, shall we?

• It’s Bella Swan’s birthday and her vampire friends throw her a party at their digs.
• At the party, Bella gets a paper cut.
• Jasper, one of the newest vampires, can’t control himself when he sees the blood.
• Predictably, he goes into a rage and lunges for Bella.
• Bella’s sexy vampire boyfriend Edward Cullen (pause to swoon here) saves the day…
• …But then tells Bella he must leave her forever in order to keep her safe, then peaces out.
• Bella can’t handle him leaving and goes all emo, borderline suicidal.
• That’s okay though, because there’s yet another sexy guy, Jacob Black, just waiting around to take Edward’s place.
• And Jacob just happens to be a werewolf.
• Jacob tries to get Bella to “drop that zero and get with the hero” but she ain’t havin’ none, and continues to mope around and do reckless things, like ride motorcycles and go cliff diving.
• At some point Jacob the Werewolf saves Bella from Laurent and Victoria, two random vampires turned villians, recycled from the plot of Twilight.
• Then out of nowhere, thanks to some weird, poorly-explained mixup courtesy of Edward’s sister Alice, who can see the future but fucks it up somtimes, Edward thinks Bella committed suicide.
• In true Romeo and Juliet fashion, Edward decides he can’t live without Bella either, and runs off to Italy to kill himself too.
• But Edward’s a vampire, and suicide is easier said than done.  Rather than try to explain about the evil Volturi and the other bullshit secondary characters that Meyer pulls out of her ass when she needs a plot, Edward’s suicide attempt can best be expressed as: DEATH BY SPARKLES.
• Just in the nick of time, Bella saves Edward from exposing himself thus saving him from the Volturi and there’s a big dramatic reunitement scene.
• Some other unimportant crap happens in Italy, then Bella, Edward, and the rest of the vampires return home.
• Bella wants desperately to become a vampire, and so she calls a Superfriends meeting where all the vampires take turns voting on whether or not it should happen.
• And like the ending of Twilight, Meyer recycles the same “does Bella become a vampire or not?” cliffhanger in New Moon.
• The end!

It’s mind-blowing stuff, I know.  If you really want, feel free to read my less than glowing review of the New Moon book over at Amazon.  It’s just all so ridiculous, even for a fantasy book based on vampires.  Most of the book’s 563 pages is spent with Bella, as she pines away for her lost vampire love, and let me tell you, it was hell reading through page after page of this:

“I was not allowed to think of him. That was something I tried to be very strict about. Of course I slipped; I was only human. But I was getting better, and so the pain was something I could avoid for days at a time now. The tradeoff was the never-ending numbness. Between pain and nothing, I’d chosen nothing.”

So by default, New Moon the film should at least be a slight improvement over New Moon the book, if only because the nature of the media spares you the literary torture.  But Hollywood isn’t dumb.  It knows there’s good money to be made by catering to the overzealous female fanbase that made the first film such a success.  Twilight fans want hot vampires, mushy romance, and plenty of Rob Pattinson screen time.  Make no mistake, New Moon will be one big fangirl orgy from start to finish.

But why take my word for it when you can read real reviews of the trailer written by (what I hope are) teenaged girls?

“ok WOW!!! new moon is going to be AH-Mazing, i love kristen’s face when she say ” kiss me” her eyebrow is funny! and the werewolf, i didnt even expect it to be that big, but OMg i love it!! but taylor GOOOOSSH!! i thought he was Hott, now he like fire! but edward was really sad!cant wait! woooo and bella looked eally pretty”

“The part when she got the paper cut and jasper tried to get her but, edward pushed her was so intensed i was like O.O”

“omg omg omg not going to faint but omg. that as freaking awsume. may i faint from how hot jacob is. p.s. i think the wolfy looks friendly”

“OMG! This movie looks even better than Twilight! It’s driving me crazy cause I wanna see it so bad! Idk if I can wait for November 20 to come! Btw: Jacob, so hot!”

Well there you have it.

12-03-08

The Twilight Effect: A Followup

A few days ago I wrote about a curious phenomenon I’m calling The Twilight Effect, or in other words, how a movie and book series full of mediocrity and unintentional hilarity aimed at 15-year-old girls has managed to completely captivate thousands of otherwise sensible grown women with (usually) good taste.

Exhibit A

Since my boyfriend would sooner light himself on fire than be caught dead seeing Twilight, I dragged three of my girlfriends–who were complete Twilight virgins–out to the theater on a cold, snowy Friday night.  On my left was Joanna, who I can always count on to embrace the cheesiness of any dorky phase I happen to be going through.  She thoroughly enjoyed the movie, and bless her, had no problem admitting that.

Exhibit B

And on Joanna’s other side sat my much snarkier friends Julie and Stephanie, who spent most of the movie making fun of it (”OMFG GLITTER VAMPIRES!?”). Which is precisely why I find these emails hilarious:

Finally, and most alarmingly–

Exhibit C

My 70-something year old Grandmother asked to borrow my books.  (And she loved them.)

11-26-08

The Twilight Effect

Last Friday night, I dragged three of my girlfriends out to the movies to see a little film called Twilight. Perhaps you’ve heard of it?

If you haven’t, I will assume you’re either a shut-in or a male.  After all, it was a 75% female-dominated audience that contributed to Twilight’s staggering $70 million opening weekend, a huge coupe for director Catherine Hardwicke and Summit Entertainment.  To help put that figure in perspective, Twilight’s success ranks in the top 4 November box office figures of all time–ahead of summer blockbuster Transformers, and the latest James Bond flick . As it turns out, Twilight also boasts the highest ranking box office debut ever for a female director.  Considering the economic crisis we’re supposed to be in, these numbers are even more impressive.  So impressive, in fact, that Summit Entertainment has already announced plans to begin pre-production on Twilight’s sequel, New Moon.

But none of this news comes as a surprise to Twilight’s legions of diehard fans, whose fierce display of buying power previously helped propel all four books of The Twilight Saga onto the bestseller list, and keep them there, making author Stephenie Meyer a huge success.  Even Eclipse, Meyer’s third book of the series, dethroned Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows from the bestseller list.

But let’s back up to a few months ago, before I had so much as read a single page of this hugely popular series, before I saw the movie (twice), and before I knew I was on Team Edward, or that there even was a Team Edward.  I remember casually surfing the interwebs, minding my business as usual, and coming across an occasional Twilight glimmer: a movie ad, a book review, some obsessed fangirl’s glittering “Bella ♥’s Edward” forum signature.  It was easy enough to ignore–at first.  But it wasn’t long before Twilight propaganda seemed to creep into every facet of every web site I ever visited.  (My hat’s off to whomever is behind Twilight’s aggressive web marketing campaign, by the way.)  So I guess it was inevitable that I’d eventually click one of the ads and watch the movie trailer, right?

My reaction went something like this:

• That looks pretty cool, I guess…
• And that vampire guy is pretty hot!
• Oh hey, it’s Cedric Diggory from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
• I’m a Harry Potter fan, maybe I’ll like this movie too?
• And Paramore is on the soundtrack!? I LOVE Paramore!
• November 21st? What a coincidence, because that’s the same weekend Half-Blood Prince was supposed to come out…

The next thing I knew, I was headed for the local library to check out the first book, which I soon discovered was a complete impossibility.  Checked out; on hold; back-ordered; transferred to another branch–every single one of the fifty-something copies fell into one of these categories.  What was going on here?  Why is Twilight so popular?  Like many uninitiated fans before me, I set out to unravel this mystery.  Hell, I thought, maybe if the books are that good, I should just buy them.

So I did.

And that’s how I discovered the secret sauce, if you will, of what makes The Twilight Saga so successful.  The recipe consists of teen angst, sexual tension, impossibly good-looking main characters living impossibly idealistic lives, and a heavy dose of romance delivered to the sappiest degree possible.  Simply put, these books are pure escapism.  No real substance, but no real need for it, either.  I could elaborate further, but I’ve already done that here, here, and here.  Yet despite how unremarkable these books really are, I spent an entire week consumed by them.  And I’ve already seen the movie twice.  And I’m anxiously awaiting its sequel.

What the hell have I gotten myself into?

11-25-08

6 Geeky Things I’m Thankful For

Thanksgiving is just two days away. Come Thursday I hope to be in a full-fledged turkey and wine-induced coma, surrounded by family and friends, kicking off a blissful four days of gaming, couching, Netflixing, and leftovers. Gearing up for the long weekend has got me thinking about all the geeky things I’m thankful for.

Here’s a look back at 2008 from a grateful geek girl:

The Tales of Beedle the Bard

I’m thankful for The Tales of Beedle the Bard, the new children’s fairy tale book and Harry Potter companion piece from one of my favorite authors, J. K. Rowling. Since 1997, I along with most of the world have adventured alongside Harry in his seven-year battle against You-Know-Who, and like so many other fans, was depressed when the series came to its heart-wrenching conclusion last summer. Looking forward to the book’s release this December 4th, when I and legions of Potter fans can delve once again into a small piece of the wizarding world.

The Dark Knight

I’m thankful that The Dark Knight was a pivotal box office phenomenon, and arguably one of the best super hero movies ever made. I’m thankful that Heath Ledger will be remembered for one of the most riveting and brilliant performances ever known to big screen villainy. I’m thankful that this movie has defined the new standard against which all future super hero movies should be judged, and I’m optimistic that Hollywood will start paying attention.

The New Xbox Experience

I’m thankful for the New Xbox Experience, and Microsoft’s partnership with Netflix to bring the “Watch It Now” movie service to the Xbox 360 console free of charge. Netflix subscribers that own an Xbox 360 no longer have to face the inevitable decision to shell out $100 for a Roku Netflix player, yet another peripheral that would clutter up our home entertainment systems. I’ve found the high-quality streaming service to work absolutely perfectly. It’s just too bad about Sony’s sour grapes.

Wii Fit

I’m thankful for Nintendo and their seemingly endless innovation when it comes to producing fun and easy to learn yet challenging games for the Wii, most notably 2008’s simple but surprisingly effective title Wii Fit. While Wii Fit certainly doesn’t score any points for breathtaking graphics or intense gameplay, there is something to be said for any game (or non-game) that motivates us lazy gamers to get off the couch and get physical—and have fun doing it.

The Twilight Saga

I’m thankful for Stephenie Meyer’s ridiculously cheesy Twilight Saga, whose sophomoric books managed to completely suck me in for a good two weeks of unadulterated guilty pleasure reading, the perfect antidote to a stressful month . I’m also thankful that the equally cheesy and unintentionally hilarious Twilight movie—which grossed $70 million on its opening weekend, thanks to dreamy Rob Pattinson—made for one of the most entertaining and memorable girls’ night outs I’ve had in a long time.

Wrath of the Lich King

I’m thankful for Wrath of the Lich King, the latest and greatest expansion to the second life I know as World of Warcraft, which gave me the excuse to get back in touch with old guildies and good friends (some virtual, some real) and fall in love all over again with the sheer awesomeness of this game. Blizzard has really outdone themselves with this release. The stunning visuals and beautiful music score alone were worth the wait. Indeed, things were getting pretty boring around Azeroth until you showed up, Arthas.

Looking forward to all the geeky things 2009 will bring!