02-13-09

Worst Valentine’s Day Gifts for Gamers

Valentine’s Day is just 1 day away.  So what have you gotten for your sweetheart who loves video games?

Stuck for ideas? There’s a ton of good blog posts out there recommending awesome V-day gifts for the special gamer in your life.  Great stuff like  this, any of these, and (my personal favorite) this.

But for all the great Valentine’s Day gifts for gamers, there’s a whole lot of bad ones.  And bad Valentine’s Day gifts can lead to crying, shame, and the withholding of sex.  Lucky for you, I’m here to help you avoid such pitfalls by reviewing some of the worst gifts possible.  This is especially helpful for you non-gamers who know you want to get your Valentine something gamer-related, but have no idea what NOT to buy.   And if you’re a gamer yourself, you should know better.

Warning: Giving your significant other any of the following items for Valentine’s Day may result in a swift and immediate breakup.

Wii Fit

There’s nothing like giving your partner a Valentine’s Day gift that not so subtly suggests they should lose some weight.  While I don’t think it’s quite as bad for a girl to give this to her man, I do pity the guy who makes the mistake of buying this for his girlfriend, especially if she didn’t ask for it. Getting a Wii Fit is analogous to receiving a bathroom scale, which, FYI, usually tops the lists of worst Valentine’s Day gifts.  Even if your intentions are completely innocent, stay on the safe side and just assume that on some level, whether subconsciously or not, she will get offended.

Generic Game Systems

For gamers, there’s nothing quite as disappointing as receiving a generic game system as a gift, especially if you had your heart set on a real one.  You know the ones I’m talking about–they’re the no-name “all in one” consoles with built-in games that QVC tries to pawn off on clueless moms around the holidays, or the Brand X game systems that resemble controllers collecting dust in some bargain bin at Toys ‘R Us. They’re easy to identify because A) they’re cheaply priced; B) they usually say things on the box like “you’ll never need to buy another game again!”; and most recognizably C) THEY DON’T FUCKING SAY “NINTENDO”, “XBOX”, or “PS3″ ANYWHERE!  Nobody, I repeat NOBODY wants one of these worthless pieces of shit as a gift on any holiday, let alone Valentine’s Day.  Avoid!

Stupid Gamer T-Shirts

There’s a lot of cool gamer t-shirts out there, but also plenty of uncool ones.  If you plan on getting some geeky gear for your favorite gamer, make sure you at least buy one that doesn’t make them look like a complete douchebag.  As a general rule of thumb, you should avoid anything that says “1337.”  Also terrible are shirts based on shitty games, shirts boldly proclaiming how much you “pwn” (unless of course you really don’t, and you’re just trying to be ironic), unfunny custom design jobs that nobody understands but you, or perhaps this shirt.

Rock Revolution

Also known as the game that ISN’T Rock Band or Guitar Hero.  So if your BF/GF had their heart set on either of these games for Valentine’s Day and you get them Rock Revolution instead, congrats, you fail.  It’s almost like the developers deliberately made this game to trick naive people into buying it thinking it’s one of the other two.  The tracklist is surprisingly not horrible, but hardly any of the songs are performed by original artists.  The game has also received terrible reviews from most critics and game sites.  Compared to Rock Band and Guitar Hero, Rock Revolution is undoubtedly the red-headed stepchild.

Plug ‘n’ Play TV Games

These little one-trick ponies are a close cousin to the aforementioned Generic Game Systems, and they come in a wide variety of games ranging from crappy to crappier.  These are the kinds of video game products you buy for someone that only likes or has ever played one video game in their entire life (usually Tetris), your grandmother who only knows how to play card games, or young children who you don’t yet trust enough not to fuck up a real console.  These plug ‘n’ play devices are typically very gimmicky, with product designs that go out of their way to let you know what game you’re playing, and uncomfortable controllers. While there are SOME decent retro plug ‘n’ play devices that mimic classic game consoles, they usually have exceptionally shitty controllers and/or a limited library of built-in games. The only time it’s acceptable to buy one of these toys is if you’re unable to acquire a real Atari or Commodore 64 and are desperate to play your old favorites.  Buy your Valentine the real thing instead!

Hope I saved you from a sex-less Valentine’s Day!

01-01-09

My Gamer’s New Year’s Resolutions for 2009

In 2009, I resolve to:

Quit buying into the industry hype leading up to huge game launches.  So far it has continually lead to disappointment.

Give more love to my old game systems. I have a closet full of old consoles and games that probably miss me.  I hope to find some time in 2009 to fall in love with them all over again.

Finish games before starting new ones. I am probably least likely to succeed at this one, but it’s a noble aspiration all the same.

Master the Hard mode on guitar in Rock Band.  I do all right on Hard, but some of the more wicked solos make my fingers hurt and my fans disappear.  Of course, then I watch things like this and it makes me weep.

Level my warlock to 80. I have less and less time these days to play WoW, but I’m hoping I can carve out a few days in 2009 to level my oft-neglected alt.

Play more adventure games. Even though it’s getting harder and harder to find decent titles within this unpopular genre, I’ll continue trying to seek out and discover great new point and click style games I love so much, and feel good about supporting the mostly indie developers who still make them.

Embrace the game industry’s desire to make games that appeal to girls, even though they’re getting it all wrong.  At least they’re trying, right?

Stop spending so much money on Wii & Xbox Live points. It’s just too easy and convenient to get in trouble going shopping on these next gen consoles!  Actually, I think I’m just addicted to watching Mario run across my screen…

And finally…

Break down and buy a widescreen HDTV this year. Because right now I look too much like the guy in the above pic.

It’s a tall order, but my mind is open and my thumbs are ready.  Here’s to a fun and productive 2009!