Yes, I’m still on vacation. But how could I pass up a League topic like this?
“Who would you take in an 80′s character fantasy draft? Your team’s goal will be to defeat a shady conglomerate of Russian businessmen and their team of hired ninjas. It’s go time.”
Mr. Miyagi
Task Force Role:
The Wise Leader
Special Skills:
- Extraordinary martial arts skill passed down from generations of Miyagi-Do karate teachings
- Decorated World War II veteran, awarded the Medal of Honor for bravery
- Deep philosophical knowledge of life
- Zen-like patience and sharp reflexes (presumably from years of trying to catch flies with chopsticks)
- Respected sensei who gives karate lessons disguised as household chores
- Mystical healing powers
- Handyman
- Bicycle repair
- Car restoration expert
- Costume designer
- Fisherman
- On top of everything else, he’s a hell of a gardener and makes a fabulous cup of tea.
Seriously, is there anything Mr. Miyagi can’t do? He leads Ninja Force Five with poise and grace, usually dispensing wisdom and training from the sidelines, but doesn’t hesitate to jump into the fray and kick serious ass when needed. Bad guys, take note: don’t underestimate Mr. Miyagi–he’ll fuck your shit up.
Richard “Data” Wang
Task Force Role:
Special Combat, Technical Expert
Special Skills:
- Inventing weapons, armor and spy tools from common household objects
- Setting “booty” traps
- Zipline mastery
- Fluent in Chinese (Needs work: English)
As the tinkerer and inventor of the group, Data supplies all of the team’s weapons, armor and spy gear. Sure, they’re not exactly what you’d call “high tech,” and they don’t always work, but they get the job done. His loose grip on the English language is often an unintentional advantage to Ninja Force Five in combat, as the bad guys are momentarily confused trying to figure out whatever the fuck he just said.
Sho’nuff, The Shogun of Harlem
Task Force Role:
Kung Fu Warrior
Special Skills:
- Kung-Fu Master
- Being the meanest
- Being the prettiest
- Being the baddest mofo low down around this town
Though highly skilled in Kung Fu, Sho’nuff is one crazy motherfucker and often flies off the handle. But he’s constantly surrounded by a posse of hot bitches, so Ninja Force Five keeps him around.
Raphael, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle
Task Force Role:
Ninja Warrior, Comic Relief
Special Skills:
- Ninjutsu
- Sai mastery
- Impenetrable shell armor
- Sarcasm
- Pizza throwing
- He’s the only member of the team who can break the fourth wall
- Plus, he’s a master of disguise
As the only actual ninja in Ninja Force Five, Raphael is the go-to guy for all of the team’s ninja-related training and knowledge, a role for which he gladly steps up as it makes him feel important and needed (something he struggles with back home, living in Leonardo’s shadow). Expertly skilled with the sai, his close-up combat is brutal and his distance, thrown attacks are deadly accurate. When he’s not shoveling down pizza, he dispenses both ass-kicking and wisecracks with style and sarcastic humor.
“Handsome” John Pruitt
Task Force Role:
Vehicle Driver, Backup
Special Skills:
- Commercial truck driver
- CB radio operator
- Vehicle repair and maintenance
- Handy with a gun
- Hand-to-hook close combat
- Decades of hardened highway wisdom
Don’t be fooled by the hook–he may be a rough and tough highwayman, but he’s got a heart of gold (so long as his wife isn’t sleeping with “that bastard” again). Pruitt transports Ninja Force Five around inconspicuously in his big rig truck, which Data has tricked out with Ninja-fighting technology. Though a humble truck driver/sometimes-mechanic, Pruitt knows how to handle himself when shit gets real. He’s been known to swoop in and save the day when you least expect it.
The League Loves Ninjas!
Wondering what this is all about? This week The League of Extraordinary Bloggers was tasked with assembling a team of 80′s heroes to fight an evil Russian conglomerate and their ninja assassins. Who did they pick?
- UnderScoopFire! also recruited a Ninja Turtle!
- Green Plastic Squirt Gun could have just stopped at Chuck Norris.
- Memories of Toymorrow recruited from his favorite Saturday morning cartoons.
