No? Well that’s because I haven’t yet. But I’m close! I only have, like, 790 more episodes to go…
My Dark Shadows pilgrimage began back in 2009, a few months before Tim Burton announced his film version. It was on the recommendation of my mom, who used to rush home from school to watch it with her sister (and presumably swoon over Quentin Collins, or something like that). At any rate, I’m now 435 episodes in. I fell off the viewing wagon for a while last summer, but started back up again earlier this month. It’s now my new goal to complete all 1,225 episodes by May, when the new movie comes out.
“But Jaime, that’s crazy!” you’re probably thinking. Who would want to spend that much time watching some old, low-budget soap opera? Well, I am nothing if not a completest. I can never be the type of person who just watches only a few episodes of a TV show, or reads just a few chapters of a book–even when it turns out to suck. For me to fully appreciate something, I must see/do/read/absorb it all.
Thus, the Dark Shadows theme has become part of the soundtrack of my daily life. I like to put it on while I’m working at the computer, doing housework, and I’ll also get a few episodes in before I go to sleep. I’m averaging about 10-12 episodes per day. It sounds like a lot, but it goes pretty quickly since the magic of DVD means there are no commercials.
You too can over-commit your life to the same meaningless (but ultimately rewarding?) cause with these helpful Dark Shadows marathon viewing tips!
- If you want to get right to the meat-and-potatoes of the series, I recommend skipping Dark Shadows: The Beginning (episodes 1 – 209), which takes place before the introduction of Barnabas Collins. While I don’t regret having started from the very beginning, I do agree with the general consensus that the pre-Barnabas episodes are something of a grueling exercise in endurance. There are some unmemorable/disposable characters, rather thin and uninteresting plot lines, and although the general atmosphere is creepy, nothing overly hair raising ever really happens. It’s understandable why the show was on the verge of being cancelled. One can only stand so much of David Collins crying like a little bitch and storming off to his bedroom.
- The first 370 episodes are available on Netflix for instant streaming, and the rest of the episodes are available for DVD-by-mail. But if you decide to follow Tip #1, then you can safely start at episode #210. If you have a smartphone, some ear buds, and the Netflix app, it’s a great way to get through long car trips, waiting at the doctor’s office, or stealth-watching at church/work/boring parties.
- Fast-forward is your friend! Often the first three minutes of each episode repeats the last three minutes of the previous episode (remember, this was a 1960s soap opera). You can also shave an additional two minutes from each episode by skipping the opening and ending credits (unless you really enjoy watching waves crash into rocks…over and over again).
- You don’t actually have to watch Dark Shadows, as in, with your eyes. You can pick up almost everything you need to know just by listening. The scripts are very straightforward, almost maddeningly so, often requiring the characters to repeat key dialogue/plot points many times over. But of course, just listening to Dark Shadows means you might miss out on the endearingly cheesy special effects like floating hands, red corn syrup blood, my favorite plastic bat on a fishing line.
There’s plenty to enjoy about Dark Shadows, if you can look past the campy acting, outlandish plots, and frequent mistakes. Over time you may even come to love these qualities, as I do. The important thing is to have fun and let yourself be entertained.
