04-28-09

Live-Action Ninja Turtles Return for 2011

In geeky movie news this month that makes me feel like a fifth-grader again, TMNT co-creater Peter Laird confirmed in Variety rumors of another live-action Turtles movie planned for 2011.  The announcement comes on the heels of TMNT’s 25th anniversary celebration.  Other than making me feel old, I’m also damn excited.  Because in Hollywood, everything I loved growing up in the 1980s is suddenly cool again.  The new Turtles film will be produced by Scott Mednick of Legendary Pictures, who is currently producing the soon to be released Where The Wild Things Are, another live-action fantasy film (which happens to be based on yet another completely awesome thing from my childhood).  And if these screenshots are any indication of what’s in store for the next TMNT, then color me green with excitement.

After the original live-action movie, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles films went from bad to worse, though 2007’s animated TMNT was OK.  Then again, I’m of the opinion that the first Turtles movie is one of the greatest if underrated comic book movies of all time—but I may be a little biased.  I was obsessed with all things Ninja Turtles as a kid.  Like really obsessed.  If it had a TMNT logo on it, I owned it.  I could quote the movies word for word (probably still can).

My wishlist for the new live-action Turtles movie:

• Darker, grittier, edgier Turtles truer to the original Mirage comic books.
• Curse words.  Most TMNT fans have grown up, and so should the movies.
• Sex (if only to satisfy my morbid curiosity). 
• Realstic CGI that doesn’t look like CGI.
• Back to basics origins/roots storyline. (Think Batman Begins.)
• April O’Neil, and anyone other than Paige Turco to play her.
• Blood, weapons, and graphic violence.
• Moar Raphael.*

Things I could live without:

• Shell-tastic turtle puns.
• Any character who exists solely in the Archie comics series.
• No Venus.
• Random kid-who-meets-the-Turtles character (a’la Keno in Turltes II, and later Yoshi in Turtles III).
• Any storyline involving time travel.
• A Turtles-themed rap song.
• A PG rating.
• Cowabunga.

The sucky part about all this?  Waiting two years.

*Raphael is still the coolest turtle, and if you don’t agree with me, I’m not sharing my Ninja Turtles fruit snacks with you.

04-26-09

Totally Emo Movie Heroes

There’s been a disturbing trend in Hollywood over the last couple of years: invasion of the emos.  Aparently we girls like our movie heroes hot, angry, and whiny.  For whatever reason, the hot male lead + pent-up angst formula seems to be working, because emo sells.  All of the specimens listed here can typically be found staring soul-searchingly out from the pages of Tigerbeat, or starring unwillingly in the steamy chapters of Mary Sue fanfics written by obsessed teenage girls.

Edward Cullen

‘Twilight’ 2008

Most emo line:
“I don’t have the strength to stay away from you anymore.”

Favorite emo accessory:
A well-tailored custom peacoat.

Recognizable by his brooding stares, perfectly disheveled hair and stalker tendencies, Edward Cullen is a product of the romantic fantasies of 30-something author Stephanie Meyer, who would like you to believe he’s a dangerous vampire despite not drinking human blood and having no fangs.  Edging out Buffy’s Angel in “the vampire who wants to be good” market, Edward Cullen is a vampy hero who spends the majority of his time obnoxiously torturing himself over his human love interest, the perpetual damsel-in-distress Bella Swan.  Superficially played by Robert Pattinson, who never read the books and never misses an opportunity to make fun of his own sculpted-browed character.

Harry Potter

‘Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban’ 2004

Most emo line:
“HE WAS THEIR FRIEND!!!”

Favorite emo accessory:
An invisibility cloak, to hide his spontaneous fits of crying.

There is perhaps no hero more emo than boy-wizard Harry Potter, who, among other things, struggles with school, girls, dead parents, abusive relatives, and an evil dark wizard who constantly tries to murder him.  In a way, his emo-ness is probably the most justified.  Some of Harry’s favorite activities include mouthing off to teachers and Slytherins, alienating his two best friends, staring longingly at pretty Hogwarts girls, and wallowing in the “nobody understands me” variety of self-pity.  Played by Daniel Radcliffe, whose acting (thankfully) seems to be getting better with each movie.

Anakin Skywalker

‘Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith’ 2005

Most emo line:
“Nooooooooooooooooooo!”

Favorite emo accessory:
A lightsaber, for murdering Jedi children.

Better known as Darth Vader, Anakin Skywalker is the tragic antihero of the Star Wars universe.  Played by a young and virile Hayden Christensen, Darth Vader’s youth is a far cry away from the crusty old white man unmasked in the orginal Episode VI.  Unfortunately Christensen’s acting kinda sucks, so his verbal transition to the dark side is often ripe with unintentional humor.  Anakin’s favorite hobbies: disagreeing with the Jedi Council, chillin’ with Darth Sidious, brooding over visions of Padme dying (then later helping the process along by choking her—with his MIND), and whining because he wasn’t bestowed the title of Jedi Master.  Now that I think about it, most evil overlords act pretty emo, don’t they? I urge you to recognize the warning signs.

The Phantom of the Opera

‘The Phantom of the Opera’ 2004

Most emo line:
“The world showed no compassion to me!”

Favorite emo accessory:
A mask that hides half of his hideous face.

Despite being 50% brutally hot and having a tremendous singing voice, the Phantom, an eternal pessimist, refuses to recognize his inner beauty and instead uses his deformity as his justification for murdering, stealing, and of course, stalking the beautiful Christine Daae.  But it’s not actor Gerard Butler’s fault.  Gaston Leroux’s iconic Phantom of the Opera, once a ruthless and fearsome character, has been emasculated into the whining, crying, opera-singing emo kid most people are familiar with today, thanks to Broadway legend Andrew Lloyd Weber.  

Spider-Man

‘Spider-Man 3′ 2007

Most emo line:
“I don’t need your help!”

Favorite emo accessory:
His emo flip haircut. 

As if Peter Parker wasn’t emo enough—you know, crying about his dead Uncle Ben and pining over Mary Jane—in Spider-Man 3, Toby Macguire gets what can only best be described as an extreme emo makeover, ruining an otherwise decent third installment of the blockbuster Marvel franchise.

Futhermore, WTF is this?

 

04-21-09

Who knew zombies could be so adorable?

Plants vs. Zombies is a new game by PopCap that will be released on May 5th.  You can sign up on the PopCap website to play the game before the public release, plus get a 10% discount for the Mac or PC version.  Will the game be as awesome as the music video?  Cute zombies and singing flowers—I don’t see how it could go wrong.

04-21-09

The Greatest Movie Quotes Have Six Words

I’m not sure what tear in the space-time continuum enabled me to notice, but the greatest movie quotes have only six words.  Don’t ask me why!  What I do know is that it was fun to go through all my DVDs to dig up these awesome screenshots for you.

“May the force be with you.”

What can be said about this quote that hasn’t been said already? Every time Han Solo utters these epic words to Luke Skywalker before going on his mission to destroy the Death Star, every Star Wars fanboy gets a little wood.  Admit it.

“No time for love, Dr. Jones!”

Monkey brains, a dude that rips people’s hearts out of their bare chests, kamikaze rope bridge maneuvers, Harrison Ford when he was still hot—this movie had it all.  And it also had the greatest sidekick ever, Short Round, played by Jonathan Ke Quan, before he went on to yet another inspiring stereotypical Asian role involving boobytraps: Data from The Goonies.

Speaking of which…

“Man…you smell like Phys Ed!”

Baby Ruths bring even the unlikeliest of friends together.  Who knew annoying fat kids and smelly deformed mutants could be BFFs?

“English, motherfucker, do you speak it?!”

 

Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t like it when you say “what,” especially multiple times.  But he loves daring you to say it again.

“I have to return some videotapes.”

That’s Patrick Bateman-speak for murdering yuppies and hookers with an axe. 

“I don’t appreciate your ruse, Ma’am.”

Ruse (rooz) [Middle English]: A cunning attempt to trick Randal Graves, RST Video’s underachieving Employee of the Year.  There’s nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?

“You remind me of the babe!”

“What babe?” you ask.  Why, the babe with the power, of course.  The power of voodoo—well you know the rest.

And last but not least…

“Nobody puts Baby in a corner.”

The most profound six words ever committed to film.

Bonus 5-word honorable mention:

“Never rub another man’s rhubarb.”

04-17-09

Oprah’s Caps Lock Key is Working

The Big O is finally on Twitter.  Brace yourself for an influx of soccer moms, pseudo-psychiatrists, and a general increase in the community’s estrogen levels.  Oprah reached over 75,000 followers in a single day, before she ever sent her first tweet.

And how fitting that Oprah’s first tweet was in ALL CAPS, the oft-favored style of moms, emo kids, celebutards, and other newbs that don’t know how to internet.  It’s kind of cute, really.  Like a kitten lost in a paper bag.  Of course, Oprah has enough money to just hire people to Twitter for her.

For all the warm and fuzzy life-affirming, book clubbing, puppy-hugging goodness that’s sure to come, follow @Oprah.

04-16-09

Nothing ventured…

Surprise is a rare feeling for me to get from most games nowadays, but The Lost Crown is a rare breed of game—the kind that draws you in slowly, peeling away each rich layer of story, slow and methodical.  You are Nigel Danvers, treasure hunter and paranormal investigator, sent to seek your fortune—the ancient Anglo-Saxon crown—like many before you.  Atmospheric and steeped in mystery, the quaint English seaside town of Saxton and the surrounding countryside awaits your adventure…

Although ”a ghost-hunting adventure” is indeed an appropriate subtitle for this game, I believe it’s also the thing that originally turned me off, and the reason why I have not played this game until now.  I finally decided to give it a go after seeing it so highly recommended here and here.  I remember a few years back, seeing The Lost Crown on the store shelves, and quickly dismissing it as some kind of cliche horror title with vague, simplistic goals of capturing proof of the afterlife.  And while it’s true that you will spend a good portion of your playtime doing exactly that, The Lost Crown offers much, much more.

For starters, the game features a large cast of extremely well-developed characters—both living and dead—all with distinct personalities, backgrounds, & (often tragic) histories.  The quirky townspeople of Saxton are generally a simple and kindhearted folk, but the small town’s more sinister residents (and past residents) are the kind you wouldn’t want to meet in a dark alley, or say, in an ancient graveyard in the middle of the night! Every single line of dialog in this game is superbly voice acted.  The soundtrack is richly layered with Celtic music, ghostly voices, nature sounds, and a cacophony of eerie effects.  It never felt repetitive or uninteresting, and each location seemed to have its own auditory identity.  The starkly-contrasted black and white visuals are also highly effective in creating the overall mood.  Every scene features one small burst of color—such as the bright red of the phone booth, or the pale pink hues of the flowers—similar to those old hand-dyed photographs.  But whether its minimalist approach to graphics was a bold stylistic choice, or a result of budgetary restraints, The Lost Crown’s unique style oozes charm.

And I haven’t even mentioned how good the story is yet!  Saxton can best be described as a mystery wrapped in an enigma.  As its superstitious residents might say, “Not all is as it seems.”  Your adventure into the spirit world will uncover many grisly, terrible secrets, but it will also help some of the poor souls who are still lost and wandering.  The Lost Crown is equal parts scary and sentimental, and this, I feel, is one of its strong points.  There are plenty of scares, but plenty of tender moments too.  The game is also surprisingly long, but I say that to its credit.  There are far too many adventure games out there that are big on gimmicks and short on gameplay (cough, Still Life, cough).  The Lost Crown takes its time to tell its many related stories, and wraps them all up in an elegant package.  The game also boasts a good variety of creative puzzles, and although challenging, not once did I ever feel frustrated by them.

The Lost Crown is not flawless, however.  There were a few (minor) annoyances:

• Inability to skip through dialog quickly
• Too wide of a range on clickable “hot spots”, which can be cause for confusion
• Nigel walks very slooooooooooowly…
• Cumbersome inventory; you will walk around carrying 20+ things at any given time

 
But these things are all forgivable, especially considering the small size of the development team, led by the insanely talented game designer, Jonathan Boakes.  I loved this game so much that, before even finishing it, I felt compelled to buy the Limited “Pins & Needles” Edition of Dark Fall, Jonathan’s previous series of games.  Each edition is hand numbered & signed by the designer himself—I can’t wait to get my mits on this one!  And as for The Lost Crown, well…I will never judge another game by its cover again!