06-10-09

This is so much fail…

Don’t ask why, but I was idly browsing the Harriet Carter site, a glorious domestic bazzare of gifts for old people and As Seen On TV products, when I stumbled upon the complete failure above.

“Guitar Hero® handheld game packs all the action of the monster video game into a pocket-sized version you can play anywhere!”

O RLY? I bet Free Bird sounds AWESOME on that tiny speaker.  For $17.98 plus shipping and handling, it even has a carabiner, so you can clip it to your belt and walk around with an overpriced piece of plastic shame dangling from your waist.  This is exactly the type of bullshit clueless parents buy their kids,  trying to save a few bucks, only to find it quickly disposed and forgotten.  They could just take their money to GameStop and buy a used copy of the real Guitar Hero for about the same price.

This deserves a spot on my Worst Gifts for Gamers list. Perhaps a Part 2 is in order.

06-05-09

Geeky Gamer Jewelry on Etsy

As the site says on its homepage, Etsy is the place to buy and sell all things handmade.  Here is a showcase of some of the coolest geeky gamer jewelry I’ve found there, and the awesome sellers who make it:

Pixelated goodness from an aptly-named seller, Pixel Party offers charm bracelets, cufflinks, earrings, and more in the classic 8-bit style of your favorite video games.

The Gamer Gear Store sells unique-looking hand-sculpted pieces from “all school” video games, as well as other great geeky gear inspired by vintage comics and movies.

The Clay Collection sells super cute miniature polymer clay versions of your favorite video game accessories, hardware, and characters.

For those who want to wear their D20s instead of just rolling ‘em, Candy Corn Studios sells beautiful, wearable art made with the real thing.

I really heart the jewelry that Omegazoid sells.  Simple plastic beads emulate that 8-bit pixel look perfectly.

The two ladies behind Charlie Carter Creations sell awesome clay jewelry based on video games, and other geeky stuff like Futurama, Muppets, and childhood toys.

Know of any other great Etsy sellers, or do you make and sell geeky/gamer jewelery too?  Leave me a link to your store in the comments and I’ll add it to my list!

06-02-09

Nintendo at E3: Epic Yawn, for the Most Part

Following along with Nintendo’s E3 press conference on Twitter, the live reactions were less than enthusiastic.  Well, it’s no wonder with a presenter like this:

Does she look excited about Nintendo to you?

For the most part, Nintendo’s presentation ambled along like an old woman with a bad hip.  The overall experience was so blah, #nintendofail was in danger of becoming a trending topic for a while there.

These were the lowlights:

• Wii Fit Plus - Some minor improvements to Wii Fit, such as omitting wait-times between exercises and the ability to target specific areas.  Riveting!
• Wii MotionPlus - Add-on hardware to make the Wiimote sensors more precise.  Will run you about $20 for something that makes the Wii function the way it’s supposed to.  Oh and by the way, some new games will require it, like Red Steel 2.
  (noticing a trend here with the tacking “Plus” onto everything?)
• Terrible scripted jokes between Bill and Reggie.
• Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: Crystal Bearers - Yet another Final Fantasy title…
• Women’s Murder Club: Games of Passion - New “interactive fiction” game series for DS, adding another nail to the coffin of real adventure games.
• Style Savvy - Yet another brainless pink-packaged game aimed at tweenaged girls.
• DSi circle jerk: over 1M units sold in less than 2 months, and DSi gamers will soon be able to share photos on Facebook.
• Wii Vitality Sensor - Peripheral that monitors pulse rate, nervousness, etc. I don’t even know what the fuck to say about this…

I’m on the fence about:

• Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks - Demo playable at E3 this week, but didn’t like the few screenshots we saw.
• Mario vs. Donkey Kong - Players will be able to design their own levels, gameplay looked kinda fun.
• Golden Sun DS
• WariorWare DIY - Gamers can design their own minigames from scratch & share with friends; kinda neat, I guess.
• Resident Evil: The Darkside Chronicals - Another on-rails shooter from the RE franchise.

But there were a few sprinkles of cool:

• Wii Sports Resort - Basketball, archery, skydiving & more.
• Super Mario Galaxy sequel - yes, yes, yes!  The demo looked awesome, the graphics bright and beautiful.

And then, saving the best for last, Nintendo made up for much of its E3 snorefest with the announcement of…

Metroid: Other M

Okay, seriously, I want this game NOW!

Update: Penny Arcade sums up my feelings exactly.

06-01-09

The New Moon Trailer: OMG Squee!*

*Disclaimer: I do not ever say things like “squee” or other words usually belonging to the vernacular of 12 year old  fangirls, but felt the disclaimer was necessary to save me from having to explain myself to idiots who can’t tell when I’m being sarcastic.

Here’s what all the fuss is about:

If the trailer is any indication, I believe New Moon is going to suck and suck hard, but it’s really not the filmmaker’s faults.  My lack of enthusiasm for the movie can be blamed on author Stephenie Meyer’s dreadful source material.  For your convenience, and for my own personal amusement, let’s re-cap Meyer’s super-epic plot to the sequel of Twilight, shall we?

• It’s Bella Swan’s birthday and her vampire friends throw her a party at their digs.
• At the party, Bella gets a paper cut.
• Jasper, one of the newest vampires, can’t control himself when he sees the blood.
• Predictably, he goes into a rage and lunges for Bella.
• Bella’s sexy vampire boyfriend Edward Cullen (pause to swoon here) saves the day…
• …But then tells Bella he must leave her forever in order to keep her safe, then peaces out.
• Bella can’t handle him leaving and goes all emo, borderline suicidal.
• That’s okay though, because there’s yet another sexy guy, Jacob Black, just waiting around to take Edward’s place.
• And Jacob just happens to be a werewolf.
• Jacob tries to get Bella to “drop that zero and get with the hero” but she ain’t havin’ none, and continues to mope around and do reckless things, like ride motorcycles and go cliff diving.
• At some point Jacob the Werewolf saves Bella from Laurent and Victoria, two random vampires turned villians, recycled from the plot of Twilight.
• Then out of nowhere, thanks to some weird, poorly-explained mixup courtesy of Edward’s sister Alice, who can see the future but fucks it up somtimes, Edward thinks Bella committed suicide.
• In true Romeo and Juliet fashion, Edward decides he can’t live without Bella either, and runs off to Italy to kill himself too.
• But Edward’s a vampire, and suicide is easier said than done.  Rather than try to explain about the evil Volturi and the other bullshit secondary characters that Meyer pulls out of her ass when she needs a plot, Edward’s suicide attempt can best be expressed as: DEATH BY SPARKLES.
• Just in the nick of time, Bella saves Edward from exposing himself thus saving him from the Volturi and there’s a big dramatic reunitement scene.
• Some other unimportant crap happens in Italy, then Bella, Edward, and the rest of the vampires return home.
• Bella wants desperately to become a vampire, and so she calls a Superfriends meeting where all the vampires take turns voting on whether or not it should happen.
• And like the ending of Twilight, Meyer recycles the same “does Bella become a vampire or not?” cliffhanger in New Moon.
• The end!

It’s mind-blowing stuff, I know.  If you really want, feel free to read my less than glowing review of the New Moon book over at Amazon.  It’s just all so ridiculous, even for a fantasy book based on vampires.  Most of the book’s 563 pages is spent with Bella, as she pines away for her lost vampire love, and let me tell you, it was hell reading through page after page of this:

“I was not allowed to think of him. That was something I tried to be very strict about. Of course I slipped; I was only human. But I was getting better, and so the pain was something I could avoid for days at a time now. The tradeoff was the never-ending numbness. Between pain and nothing, I’d chosen nothing.”

So by default, New Moon the film should at least be a slight improvement over New Moon the book, if only because the nature of the media spares you the literary torture.  But Hollywood isn’t dumb.  It knows there’s good money to be made by catering to the overzealous female fanbase that made the first film such a success.  Twilight fans want hot vampires, mushy romance, and plenty of Rob Pattinson screen time.  Make no mistake, New Moon will be one big fangirl orgy from start to finish.

But why take my word for it when you can read real reviews of the trailer written by (what I hope are) teenaged girls?

“ok WOW!!! new moon is going to be AH-Mazing, i love kristen’s face when she say ” kiss me” her eyebrow is funny! and the werewolf, i didnt even expect it to be that big, but OMg i love it!! but taylor GOOOOSSH!! i thought he was Hott, now he like fire! but edward was really sad!cant wait! woooo and bella looked eally pretty”

“The part when she got the paper cut and jasper tried to get her but, edward pushed her was so intensed i was like O.O”

“omg omg omg not going to faint but omg. that as freaking awsume. may i faint from how hot jacob is. p.s. i think the wolfy looks friendly”

“OMG! This movie looks even better than Twilight! It’s driving me crazy cause I wanna see it so bad! Idk if I can wait for November 20 to come! Btw: Jacob, so hot!”

Well there you have it.