Archived entries for 4 the Lulz

Gary Gulman crane-kicks my face with comedy.

Gary Gulman - No Can Defend

It’s official. Gary Gulman. I love him.

Last night I was listening to The Karate Kid soundtrack on Spotify, or trying to, when one of the tracks from Gulman’s latest album No Can Defendwhich happened to include a bunch of Karate Kid jokes–popped into my stream and was so funny I proceeded to completely lose my shit.  You could say I discovered this guy by accident, but since I was also working on my Karate Kid-themed post for The League when it happened, I feel pretty comfortable using the word “destiny.”

Here’s why you’ll love him too:

  • Karate Kid jokes. Like, A LOT OF THEM. In fact, there are two dedicated tracks of Karate Kid jokes (if the album title wasn’t a good enough indicator).
  • He’s addicted to watching movies and gets into hilarious in-depth analyses debating the merits of Netflix, Blockbuster, and cable On Demand services.
  • Tons of 80s and 90s pop culture jokes and references. Among some of the subjects touched upon are Discmans, New Jack City, and Vanilla Ice–and I quote:

“If you’re  a MAMMAL, you like Ice Ice Baby. It is an innate reaction to that song. When you’re alone in your car, when there’s nobody around to judge you, when you’re rollin’ in your 5.0 with the rag top down so your hair can blow, and all of a sudden out of the ether you hear ‘bading ding ding dada ling ding’ you turn up the volume and you PRAY…it’s not Queen’s ‘Under Pressure.’”

  • Nintendo vs. Sega
  • Scholastic Book Club

So basically his jokes revolve around everything that is important to me.  Plus, he shares my opinion that people who buy bottled water are schmucks.

If you’ve got Spotify, you can listen to Gary Gulman – No Can Defend right here.

What if Daniel lost the All Valley Tournament?

This week’s “What if…?” assignment from The League might be the most self-indulgent, fanboyish one yet–because honestly, what do fanboys love more than sitting around imagining alternate realities for their most beloved fandoms? In case you haven’t noticed already WE’RE GROWNUPS WHO PLAY WITH TOYS.

As tempted as I was to write a “What if…?” scenario involving the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I decided that between the comics, cartoons and movies their universe is already so friggin’ wacky my “What if Raphael accidentally killed Leonardo in a blinding fit of rage?” idea wouldn’t have been too much of a stretch, which would be missing the whole point of this exercise. (Also I already covered that in my super secret fan-fiction and no you cannot read it.)

Instead I decided to plunder from one of my all-time favorite movies, The Karate Kid.

Johnny vs. Daniel at the All Valley TournamentTriumph the Insult Comic DogI chose The Karate Kid specifically because to me it is one of those rare movies that is so ingrained into pop culture (not to mention a permanent fixture of my childhood happy place) that it’s above criticism. As far as I’m concerned, there is not one bad moment in this movie, freeze-frame ending, cheesy dating montage and all. It is PERFECT. Perfect for me to poop on. Sorry, I don’t know where the hell Triumph came from.

I give you:

What if Daniel lost the All Valley Tournament?

Well, obviously we’d never get The Karate Kid Part 2 or Part 3, which is heartbreaking in and of itself, but here’re some other things that would probably happen:

Ali would get back together with Johnny.

We know from Part 2 she broke up with Daniel on prom night, so you know she’s a two-faced bitch anyway.

Ali and Johnny

Mr. Miyagi would take some time to re-evaluate his priorities.

Because he realized he just spent months training some punk kid karate FOR FREE and it was all for nothing.

Mr. Miyagi

John Kreese’s stock goes up.

The Cobra Kai Dojo flourishes, enrollment is at an all-time high (as are sales of black gis).

John Kreese

The Cobra Kai vow to remain dudebros for life.

In ten years they will invest in something called “America Online” and become even more disgustingly rich. Dutch, always the loose cannon of the group, will lose his fortune to hookers and blow.

Cobra Kai

Daniel’s mom finally caves and moves them back home to New Jersey.

Mrs. Larusso begins a slow, downward spiral of shame and resentment and starts drinking heavily after realizing her pussy son caused her to give up her dream so easily.

Mrs. Laruso caves.

Daniel gets laid, becomes a man.

Presumably by Judy or one of those other car-chasing sluts. He never mentions his humiliating defeat and resumes whatever social status he originally left behind. I bet you thought this wouldn’t have a happy ending, didn’t you?

Daniel Larusso gets laid.

BONUS:

Freddy would still wear awesome shirts.

Like the classy one with the ‘Two Pigs Fucking’ motif you see here.

Freddy's Makin' Bacon Shirt

In this alternate Karate Kid world, Johnny is no cream puff!

Wondering what this is all about? This week’s assignment from The League of Extraordinary Bloggers was to write an alternate turn of events for a pop culture storyline. Go read some of their amazing/terrible ideas:

2012 Election Night’s Biggest Losers (Besides Romney)

As observed from around the socialmediaverse:

#5 – Donald Trump

Dude totally had a Twitter meltdown.

[tweet https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/266034630820507648]

[tweet https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/266034957875544064]

[tweet https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/266035509162303492]

#4 – This guy.

The pro wrestler who got Romney’s logo tattooed on his face four days ago.

Pro Wrestler Tatooes Romney's Log on his Face

#3 – Westboro Baptist Church

Westboro Baptist Church

#2 – Karl Rove

Karl Rove

 

[tweet https://twitter.com/KarlRove/status/265968843426500609]

#1 - Me for not living in Washington or Colorado.

Marijuana Legalized

The biggest winner?

Whoever made this GIF:

Romney Goes Down T2 Style

The Best of Bud Bundy as ‘Grandmaster B’

Entertainment and marketing in the early 90′s was notable for finding a way to inject rap into everything that had no business being associated with rap–and I do mean everything–from cartoons to cereal commercials. Call it the Fresh Prince Effect, if you will. These things are embarrassing to look back on nowadays, but I assure you when I was ten, this was the height of cool. (Actually, I’m not sure if that Fruity Pebbles rap was ever cool. I think even back then I could practically feel myself being pandered to through our 25″ Sony Trinitron.)

When Married With Children did it, the results were hilarious, and to this day, completely forgivable. Bud Bundy’s identity crisis as Grandmaster B, “a bad boy rapper from the streets of New York,” were among my favorite episodes, and quite possibly also the reason why Raiders jackets were so popular at my middle school.

I found this Grandmaster B compilation on YouTube and decided that it doesn’t have nearly enough views as it should, so here you go:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=befYYMpu9Ek

My favorite thing about this video? It was uploaded by someone with the username 0ilikeboobies0. I think I just discovered Al Bundy’s secret YouTube account.

Remember!

When the hat is on, he’s street rapper Grandmaster B. This is important.

The Rap Coloring Book…is exactly what it sounds like, i.e. awesome.

For those of you who don’t know the difference between Ice Cube and Ice-T, the Jumbo Activity & Rap Coloring Book is here to make learning fun. And shit.

It’s a Tumblr created by Bun B–the rapper who introduced the word “trill” to my vernacular–that includes printable coloring pages and fun-tivities that will sharpen your staying-within-the-lines and connect-the-dots skills while teaching you very important rap facts, like how rappers love weed and money, or that Vanilla Ice was once relevant. (Although, in hindsight The Rap Spelling Book might have been a little more useful. I still struggle with my “izzles” and proper usage of apostrophes.)

I decided it would be an extremely good use of my time to bust out the crayons and have at it.

2pac Connect the Dots

Vanilla Ice Trading Card

I swear, I have no idea what the Ink Outlines filter in Photoshop is. I did that last one completely by hand. Honest.

[Thanks UPROXX]

‘The Exorcist’ Recut as a Cheesy 80s Sitcom

Yeah, I know I’m like five days late with this and you may have seen it elsewhere by now, but it’s too good not to share–especially now that Hurricane Sandy is behind me, my power has finally been restored, and I’m feeling grateful to have survived it. It would have really sucked to die before I ever got a chance to post something this awesome. (What do you mean “priorities?”)

The geniuses over at Film School Rejects (one of my favorite movie blogs) have managed to take the scariest movie ever made and turn it into a cheesy 80s sitcom complete with laugh track and retro commercials. Go watch it. The power of Laugh Track compels you!

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0qnQvg3JheY#!

Anyone hungry for pea soup?

P.S. I’m easing back into blogging this week after life kicked me pretty hard in the proverbial balls. Thank you to everyone who emailed me and sent well wishes and positive thoughts my way. I expect to get back in the full swing of things this week.

This Gangnam Style Halloween light show is cheering me up.

You’ve all seen those crazy Christmas lights displays that synch up to music, right? Well here’s an awesome one for Halloween–or not awesome, if you’re already sick of this song; I haven’t reached that point yet.

From Leesburg, VA, this stunning Halloween light show set to Psy’s “Gangnam Style” utilizes over 8,500 lights and roughly 250 channels of computer animation. It was created by Edwards Landing Lights who says it took about a year to make. (Yes, I’m aware Gangnam Style is only a few months old. I had the same reaction at first.) The video description goes on to say that the Gangnam Style theme was something that was added at the last minute–presumably after realizing that anything associated with “Gangnam Style” = viral video gold. Well done, nerds.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6t7oowAsGs

Like I’m NOT going to post this TMNT Gangnam Style video featuring Vanilla Ice.

Because if there is a viral video of-the-now that manages to combine everything I care about, it is this one.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AweG_pqlz_g

Dear Nickelodeon marketing people — you’re doing it right.

[Thanks Topless Robot]

Who needs PSY when you’ve got GANDALF STYLE!

With GANGNAM STYLE now up to well over 230 million views on YouTube, it was just a matter of time before this happened. And let’s face it, GANDALF is easier to say than GANGNAM–and he’s got more experience riding horses.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M660rjNCH0A

This is also extremely relevant:

GANDALFSTYLE

[Thanks Chocolate & Cream Cake]

How to install and play a computer game…in 1995.

This week The League has been tasked with writing a step-by-step guide on how to do something, like destroying the Death Star. So far I’ve discovered that a few of my fellow Leaguers need a step-by-step guide on how to follow instructions, but at least the responses have been entertaining. I’ve only ever written one how-to guide on this blog before, which I was tempted to re-purpose for this week’s topic and call it a day, you know, because I’m lazy. But then I thought–

Time Travel How-To Guide

 

So start up your Windows 95 machines and step back into the pre-DVD world of 1995 with me–the Pentium I processor is firing on all cores today!

Just think about that last statement for a moment. In 1995 we didn’t have DVDs yet. In 1995, computer games were published on CD-ROMs. And in some cases, they were even still being published on 3.5″ floppy disks. If you were a PC gamer in the 90s then you know how painfully frustrating it was to install new computer games. It was a time when games started to get really advanced graphics (which are laughable by today’s standards but revolutionary for their time) and gimmicky new technologies like full-motion video were all the rage. As a result, the software was often too advanced for the hardware it ran on.

Go ahead and laugh, but this was probably a bitchin’ computer back in the day:

1995 Gateway Computer

Playing a game on your circa 1995 computer typically involved typing a lot of archaic DOS commands, technical know-how, installing different drivers, guesswork, uninstalling applications to make room for the gigantic file sizes of graphic-intensive games, and a lot of praying that the damn thing would even work so you didn’t just waste $30 at Walden Software.

A single CD-ROM can only hold about 737 MB of data, versus a DVD’s 4.3 GB capacity. Therefore, computer games in the 90s typically had multiple discs and required you to swap them back and forth as you were playing the game. Phantasmagoria, for example, came on seven discs. SEVEN! Do you know how many discs that is? Well, seven, but it’s TOO GODDAMN MANY. That’s why I’ve chosen it to be my guinea pig for this assignment. (And also because it has extreme gore, violence, rape, and was banned in several countries.)

Phantasmagoria

And besides, this game is one of the most sophisticated software packages EVER produced.

Phantasmagoria is Sophisticated...really

 

Let’s get this party started!

Step 1 – Read the instructions. Then ignore them.

Here are the actual installation instructions scanned from the game’s manual:

Phantasmagoria Installation Instructions

And for extra laughs, here are the DOS instructions:

Phantasmagoria DOS Install Instructions

But we’re going to ignore these because they’re worthless. Step 6, in particular, attempts to provide you with a false sense of comfort with the promise that there will be helpful on-screen instructions to follow. But that’s assuming your computer doesn’t crash or freeze up in the process of loading the disc and you can even get to that point.

Step 2 – Boot up your computer.

Does this sound familiar?

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1WuC9q_A2Fc

Step 3 – Look at the game packaging while you wait…and wait…

Because you’ll need something to do while you wait for what seems like for-fucking-ever for Windows to start up and completely finish loading. Stare longingly at the box art while you envision yourself playing the game already, praying your computer meets all of the minimum hardware requirements.

Phantasmagoria (Back)

Step 4 – Insert the first disc into your CD-ROM drive.

Phantasmagoria CD-ROM

Get used to this process. You’re going to have to do it six more times.

Phantasmagoria Disc 2

Phantasmagoria Disc 3

Phantasmagoria Disc 4

Phantasmagoria Disc 5

Phantasmagoria Disc 6

Phantasmagoria Disc 7

Step 5 – Get irritated when something like this happens.

Sound Driver Error

Step 6 – Attempt to fix the problem yourself.

Good luck, though, because Google didn’t exist yet either.

CTRL ALT DEL

Step 7 – Pay $0.39 per minute to call the game’s techincal support line.

Don’t worry–Mom and Dad won’t notice the charges on the phone bill for another few weeks.

Sierra Customer Service

Then give up when you realize it’s Saturday.

Step 8 – Call your friend up. You know, that really nerdy one who knows more about computers than you do.

Don’t buy any of his encyclopedias, though. That shit’ll be obsolete in just a few years.

Encyclopedia Britannica Kid

Finally you’re getting somewhere!

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ih4xObQF9E

Step 9 – Get stuck on Chapter 1.

Because you didn’t use the LETTER OPENER on the FIREPLACE. Duh, you stupid asshole.

Phantasmagoria Screenshot - Chapter 1 

Step 10 – Go online to look for help.

Try to remain patient as you watch the progress bar while the reassuring sound of your 28.8 baud modem indicates that you’re connecting to the information superhighway.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gsNaR6FRuO0

What the information super highway looks like:

America Online in 1995

Step 11 – Get booted offline when someone calls the house.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2Z2CklSxM0

Step 12 – Give up.

Crying Dawson

*sits back and waits for some smart-ass to come along and leave a comment informing me that Dawson’s Creek didn’t premiere until 1998*

Learn something new today! Or not.

Wondering what this is all about? This week The League of Extraordinary Bloggers was tasked with writing a step-by-step guide on how to do something…like destroying the Death Star. Here are the guides I recommend following if you want to laugh, be amused, or (gasp) actually learn something.

Arrrrrrrrrrr you talking like a pirate today?

You should, matey, for it be International Talk Like a Pirate Day! Ahoy! Here be my Top 5 favorite pirates, savvy?

#5 – Orange Beard the Pirate Cap’n & First Mate Odie

Garfield Pirate

#4 – Captain Morgan

Captain Morgan

#3 – These guys.

Pirates of Silicon Valley

 

#2 – One Eyed Willy

One Eyed Willy

#1 – Dread Pirate Roberts

Dread Pirate Roberts

This is one of the stupidest catalog products I’ve ever seen.

Little-known fact about ShezCrafti: I have a secret love for browsing shitty catalogs–the cheaper and more crap-filled, the better! Harriet Carter, Carol Wright Gifts, Walter Drake, As Seen on TV, etc.–there is no finer bathroom reading in all the land. I don’t ever buy anything, I just enjoy looking at all the junk because it never ceases to amaze me how much useless crap Americans buy.

Every now and then I stumble on gems like this one from ABC Distributing:

Jot it Down Pocket Journal

Here, I’ll blow it up because the stupid is kind of hard to see:

Internet Passwords

It’s one thing to write down your internet passwords and carry them around with you in your pocket, as this product’s title suggests. It’s a whole ‘nother level of stupid to write them down in a journal with “Internet Passwords” emblazoned on the front cover. The catalog’s description for this product offers the following advice:

“If your internet user names and passwords are scattered everywhere on sticky notes and paper scraps, end the chaos with the Internet Passwords journal. “

Yes, let’s end the chaos! You should start by deleting yourself from the internet because clearly you’re doing it wrong. I hope whoever buys this thing has their identity stolen by Nigerians.

I never realized how perverted the 80s TMNT cartoon was.

A user over at the Technodrome Forums posted a link to these hilarious screencaps from the old Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon that, when viewed out of context, look pretty obscene and NSFW. Either that or I’m just a sick bastard who’s spent too much time on the internet.

Here’s a sampling of the, er, questionable images, which I’ll let speak for themselves:

Donatello...um...

NSFW Splinter X Shredder

Shredder X Michaelangelo Obscene

TMNT Tub NSFW

Leonardo X Casey Jones NSFW

Irma NSFW

Donatello X Krang Obscene

April Tentacle Rape

Rocksteady X April

To see more (because why wouldn’t you want to see more of this?) check out the original posts over at the Obscure Zodiac TMNT forums here, here, here, here, and here.

Are your Etsy purchases supporting hipster sweatshops?

Think twice before you buy your next handcrafted, vintage-look, beaded, artisan, beachgrass, crochet WHATEVER THE FUCK with birds on it from Etsy. You could be supporting sw-etsy shops full of overworked, underpaid manic pixie dream girls surrounded by glitter and Apple products.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=blV2Ar9lT1Q

Please. Think of the hipsters.

Friday Lulz: The ‘Samuel L. Barkson’ Edition

Lulz!

Can you imagine what it would be like for Samuel L. Jackson to be your dog? BARK MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?

Samuel L. Barkson

Them Mutha Fucka’s is tasty!

Mutha Fuckas

Samuel L. Jackson always wins at Guess Who.

Guess Who?

But you’ll always win at Magic when you lay this down.

SLJ Magic Card

I want to frame this and hang it in my living room.

HAMBURGERS

Wait, is this a real video from the ’90s? It can’t be cuz this shit is in 1080!

If you grew up in the early 90s, you need to watch this. Now.

Some awesome guy on YouTube “took the damn Delorian, turned on the fuckin’ flux capacitor, and traveled back in time to 1991.” Watch this hilarious clip as he walks you through a bedroom (which looks a lot like my own when I was ten) that’s all decked out in 90′s products, posters, and technology and points out everything that was wrong with that decade.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VyTdB_3HBp4#!

It was uploaded by user PauseDa90s, whose avatar wants you to drop that zero and get with the hero.

Pause Da 90s

My favorite part: “That is a fucking sealed Vanilla Ice–don’t even act like you don’t like Vanilla Ice. Everybody in the ’90s was boppin’ they heads to that shit. SEALED! Do you know the control a kid has to have to NOT open that?”

Vanilla Ice Ninja Rap

This guy is my new hero. I also highly recommend checking out his other videos, which he says he’ll be posting every Saturday morning:

Some spoiler-free Batman humor while you anticipate TDKR.

Unless you’re one of those lucky bastards who got to see it early, most of us are just dicking around on the internet and staring at the clock today as we count down the hours and minutes until The Dark Knight Rises, which opens tonight at midnight.

My official stance on spoilers:

My TDKR Spoiler Reaction

How I feel right now:

 httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFhk2WJMGCQ

On my way to the theater tonight:

What is love?

How I hope I’ll feel after seeing The Dark Knight Rises:

You will never be as happy as The Joker.

Um…

Um...wtf?

Gay Batman & Robin

You will never be this awesome.

Haters gonna hate.

Still waiting for my Batman to come save me.

Men vs. Batman

 #ForeverAlone

Psycho Batman

I came in your mask.

What it looks like when Robin comes:

Batman vs. Shark with Lightsaber

FUCK YOU, SHARK!

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T-nOtrTfSOY

AND FUCK CHOCOLATE, TOO!

Batman Hates Chocolate

How Chris Nolan feels about your opinions.

Batman does not give a fuck.

Good life advice.

Always be Batman.

Batman's Emotional Range

In ten years:

Fatman

God dammit, Clark.

This scene will, regrettably, not be in The Dark Knight Rises.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jid6FMNHh6E

What people know about Batman

Nanananananana BATMAN

I hate it when that happens.

Batman Fail

Because cats.

Catman & Joker

Okay, I lied. There is one spoiler.

Batman Spoiler

And last but ESPECIALLY least…

Hey guys remember me?

Friday Lulz: The ‘Jason Voorhees is Lame’ Edition

I’m sure I’ll get a lot of flack for this, but of all the ’80s movie serial killers, I’ve always thought Jason Voorhees was the most lame. His backstory is weak (honestly, what’s so scary about hydrocephalus?) and he’s rather slow and stupid as serial killers go. I also suspect he’s just bitter that nobody ever thinks to include him in their wild sex and drug parties. I was totally rooting for Freddy in Freddy vs. Jason.

The Friday the 13th movies never managed to scare me as a kid, and Jason’s mom does all the heavy-lifting in the original anyway. Besides, I just can’t take a deranged psychopath seriously after being a guest on Arsenio Hall. A public relations move like that screams attention whore and smacks of a desperate need for acceptance.

Oh well. Happy Friday the 13th anyway.

Jason Voorhees Friday

Friday the 12th

Bros before hoes:

Freddy & Jason in the Tub

Did you pack your bags yourself?

Jason Hug

Jason Voorhees Mr. Bear

Friday the 13th Balloon

Cute Jason

Slaying in the Rain

Nobody said he was the smartest serial killer.

Jason Eating Ice Cream

Little-known fact about Jason Voorhees: he’s a hell of a baker. But he’s also extremely narcissistic.

Jason Voorhees Cupcakes

And remember, kids:

Keep Calm on Friday the 13th

Fail Horn: Kevin Rose, Founder of Digg

Kevin Rose

It’s not every day Google offers you $200 million dollars for your popular tech start-up. And if that deal doesn’t work out, you should consider yourself extremely lucky when another company comes along and offers you $80 million. Kevin Rose, founder and former CEO of Digg didn’t think so.

After turning down offers like these, he went on to greenlight a series of incredibly dumb decisions that led to his stepping down as CEO, a dwindling user base, and ultimately today’s news that Digg has just been acquired for a paltry $500 million. LOL did I say million? I meant $500 thousand.

As Gizmodo puts it: Digg Sells Itself for Pathetic Pocket Change: $500,000

TechCrunch’s summary of the slow, sad decline of Digg reads like an obituary:

Once a poster child of the Web 2.0 revolution, Digg slowly faded into the background over the last few years, especially after its 4.0 update alienated many of its users. After that, Digg never quite found a niche for itself as content sharing moved to social networks like Twitter and Facebook (and the competing social sharing site Reddit). It still has a sizable amount of users, but it’s really just a shadow of its former self today. While an announcement like today’s acquisition would once have received hundreds of “diggs” and comments within a few minutes, the fact that today’s announcement has only 16 diggs and four comments so far is rather telling.

Bob Barker Says You Fail

Hindsight is a bitch.

Thanks for the fun while it lasted, Kev. I had a good time digging things for a few years there, and there was even a time when I used Digg more than I do Twitter. But then you had to go changing things around for no good reason and bein’ all mega-rich and not caring about Digg anymore and shit. And now you get to hear a collective “We told you so” from all your disgruntled past and present Digg users.

Here’s to you, Kevin Rose. You win today’s Fail Horn.

Press Play to Receive Your Prize:

 

(I still think you’re kinda hot though.)

Who wants to see a zombie jerking off?

Don’t worry. I’m not going to judge you for clicking this.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXv-xdPg9QU

This “zerk off” scene is a teaser clip from Zombie Family, an upcoming horror/comedy web series from writer and director Joseph Weisman. It looks kind of like The Walking Dead meets Growing Pains.  Or perhaps more accurately, Roseanne, because it reminds me of that one episode where Darlene catches DJ whacking off in the bathroom.

Here’s a fun question: what kind of porn do you think zombies get off to?

[Thanks Dread Central]