I’d Go ‘Overboard’ for Kurt Russell

Kurt Rus­sell: great actor or the great­est actor? That’s the ques­tion posed to The League of Extra­or­di­nary Blog­gers this week. Well, okay, to be hon­est I just made up that ques­tion. But we really are sup­posed to write about Kurt Rus­sell , even if you’re not a big Kurt Rus­sell fan or think he sucks–in which case you would, of course, be wrong.

Kurt Rus­sell is one of those ver­sa­tile actors who can play prac­ti­cally any role. The guy can do (and has done) every­thing from badass action movies ( Tomb­stone, Big Trou­ble in Lit­tle China ) to com­edy ( Cap­tain Ron , Tango & Cash ). Like Golden Cor­ral, he’s got some­thing for every­one. But I won’t drone on about how awe­some (even if awe­somely bad ) Kurt Russell’s movies are because I’m unfash­ion­ably late to this week’s League topic due to being on vaca­tion in Myr­tle Beach and every­one else has already beaten me to it.

So, in keep­ing with my run­ning theme of beach and ocean-themed posts this week, what I’d like to do instead is write about one of my per­sonal favorite Kurt Rus­sell movies, Over­board .

For those who have never seen it, it’s easy to dis­miss Over­board as cheesy roman­tic com­edy, which it is, com­plete with a Randy New­man song. But look a lit­tle closer and you’ll find a movie that’s hilar­i­ous on so many levels–and not just because it’s a reminder of every­thing embar­rass­ing from the ‘80s like frizzy perms, Pee-wee Her­man, and brick-sized cord­less phones. It’s got an absurd plot, a north­west small-town set­ting quirkier than Twin Peaks, and ridicu­lous but lov­able char­ac­ters who deliver extremely quote-able lines like:

• “Sorry, Annie. I got horny.”
• “Stop star­ing at me. Eat your checkers.”
• “Inga, you don’t shove the food down Shiitake’s throat, you place it on her tongue. Don’t they have dogs in Sweden?”
• “We say ‘Foca!’ ‘Foca’ means ‘seal’ in Portuguese.”
• “Tofuti… Tofuti where are you when I need you? Tofuti Klein-dein-dein-dein-dein…”

Or am I the only one who quotes this movie inces­santly? Okay, I’m get­ting ahead of myself here…

In Over­board , Kurt Rus­sell stars as Dean Prof­fitt, a lowly, down-on-his-luck car­pen­ter who’s also the sin­gle dad of four boys. One day a lux­ury yacht makes an emer­gency repair stop in the small, red­neck town of Elk Cove, Ore­gon, and it’s mega-rich, super­bitch owner Joanna Stay­ton (Goldie Hawn) hires Dean to remodel her closet on a whim. When he doesn’t do the job to her sat­is­fac­tion, she stiffs him on the pay­ment and pushes him over­board, along with all his tools.

Later that night, as the yacht leaves the har­bor, Joanna tries to retrieve her lost wed­ding ring from the deck but acci­den­tally falls over­board. She washes up on the Elk Cove garbage scow with a seri­ous case of amnesia–and since this is the most excit­ing thing hap­pen­ing in Elk Cove, it makes the local news. Dean Prof­fitt doesn’t waste any time tak­ing advan­tage of the sit­u­a­tion. In an attempt to get even with Joanna, he shows up at the local hos­pi­tal to claim her as his wife so he can bring her home and make her work off what she owes him. (Like I said, it’s ridiculous.*)

*Ridicu­lously  awe­some.

And because this is the ‘80s and any­thing goes in these movies, they obvi­ously end up falling in love. Even after Kurt Rus­sell deliv­ers an epic insult right to Goldie Hawn’s face:

Kurt Russell’s Guide to Bag­ging Mega-Rich Women with Amnesia

• Step 1: First, get a good, hard look at her ass while help­ing your­self to all the fancy food in her refrig­er­a­tor (to make sure she’s worth the effort). Come up with a highly con­vinc­ing fic­tional life his­tory. Accept­able embell­ish­ments include ter­ri­ble maiden names like “Goula­hee,” hav­ing grown up in a nuclear waste dump, and hang­ing out at Hank’s Donut World. Bring her home in the back of your dirty pickup truck (but it’s OK for your dogs to ride shotgun).
• Step 2: Learn Pho­to­shop (or ask a friend with Pho­to­shop skillz–preferably inter­rupt­ing him while he’s get­ting laid) so you can coun­ter­feit some wed­ding pho­tos to make her believe she deserves her shitty life in which you’ve pre­pared for her a list of house­hold chores as long as Edward Herrmann’s face and stolen all her ideas for your hill­billy minia­ture golf course. And make that bitch sleep on the couch!
• Step 3: ?????
• Step 4: PROFIT!!! Mrs. Annie Prof­fitt, that is. Hurr hurr.

How does Over­board only have a 6.4 rat­ing on IMDB? Come on, The Inter­net, this movie deserves at least a 6.5.

Other Kurt Rus­sell Awe­some­ness from The League:

• Clay­ma­tion Were­wolf and Kurt Rus­sell are ON A BOAT!!!
• The Man Who Stares at Toys prefers plas­tic Kurt Russell
• Movie Hodge Podge thinks Kurt Rus­sell is Disney’s great­est child star
• Dork Horde’s  Lite Brite skills put mine to shame
• That Fig­ures reveals 6 Things You Never Knew about Kurt Russell
• Adamo­tomy thinks Kurt Rus­sell thinks Val Kilmer sucks! (For the record, ShezCrafti thinks Val Kilmer is awesome.)
• Green Plas­tic Squirt Gun’s favorite Kurt Rus­sell movies don’t include Overboard :(

More stuff and things!