If there is one movie that deserves an awesome reboot, it is ‘Masters of the Universe.’

How­ever, this won’t be that awe­some reboot.

Instead you’re get­ting my big gay  Mas­ters of the Uni­verse  cheese­fest and you are going to like it, dammit. The orig­i­nal 1987 film was spec­tac­u­larly awful, which of course means I loved it. (That’s why I’m allowed to make fun of it, ok? It comes from the heart.)

In all seri­ous­ness, though, MOTU fans have got­ten the shit end of the stick for a long time. I’m excited by all the recent buzz about the upcom­ing real reboot, even if it’s still in the early stages. But I’ll leave the seri­ous stuff to Hol­ly­wood and you obses­sive fan­boys instead of clut­ter­ing up the Inter­net with yet another He-Man dream cast list, which Google tells me it already has thou­sands of results for.

So, with­out fur­ther ado…

He-Man

There aren’t many actors as built, blonde and dumb as Dolph Lund­gren. And Matthew McConaughey is already com­fort­able with semi-nakedness and skimpy leather cos­tumes. BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL, BRA!

Skeletor

I’m def­i­nitely not the only one out there who wants this to hap­pen. But at 69 years old, I’ll have to cast zom­bie Christo­pher Walken if this reboot doesn’t hap­pen soon.

In the mean­time, here’s a fun bonus activ­ity: read these Skele­tor quotes  aloud to your friends in your best Christo­pher Walken voice!

Teela

I swear it didn’t occur to me that “Teela” and “Mila” rhyme until after­ward. But now that it has, I feel even bet­ter about my cast­ing choice.

Evil-Lyn

Part of Me 3D  qual­i­fies Katy Perry as an actress, right? I hope so because THE RESEMBLANCE IS UNCANNY!

Oh, I guess her looks are kind of sim­i­lar, too.

Duncan

You can put Will Fer­rell in every movie as far as I’m concerned.

Gwildor

In my  Mas­ters of the Uni­verse  uni­verse, Gwildor is a mostly silent, incon­se­quen­tial fix­ture of the back­ground who only rarely inter­jects with his bizarre antics that are awk­ward for all involved. Gal­i­fi­anakis would be per­fect, and the resem­blance isn’t that far off.

Edi­to­r­ial note:

I wanted to cast some­one for Orko, but I sup­pose that wouldn’t have been fair since he wasn’t in the orig­i­nal and we got Gwildor’s furry ass instead. Sorry, lit­tle buddy.

More stuff and things!