Totally Emo Movie Heroes

There’s been a dis­turb­ing trend in Hol­ly­wood over the last cou­ple of years: inva­sion of the emos.  Aparently we girls like our movie heroes hot, angry, and whiny.  For what­ever rea­son, the hot male lead + pent-up angst for­mula seems to be work­ing, because emo sells.  All of the spec­i­mens listed here can typ­i­cally be found star­ing soul-searchingly out from the pages of Tiger­beat, or star­ring unwill­ingly in the steamy chap­ters of Mary Sue fanfics writ­ten by obsessed teenage girls.

Edward Cullen

‘Twi­light’ 2008

Most emo line:
“I don’t have the strength to stay away from you any­more.”

Favorite emo acces­sory:
A well-tailored cus­tom pea­coat.

Rec­og­niz­able by his brood­ing stares, per­fectly disheveled hair and stalker ten­den­cies, Edward Cullen is a prod­uct of the roman­tic fan­tasies of 30-something author Stephanie Meyer, who would like you to believe he’s a dan­ger­ous vam­pire despite not drink­ing human blood and hav­ing no fangs.  Edg­ing out Buffy’s Angel in “the vam­pire who wants to be good” mar­ket, Edward Cullen is a vampy hero who spends the major­ity of his time obnox­iously tor­tur­ing him­self over his human love inter­est, the per­pet­ual damsel-in-distress Bella Swan.  Super­fi­cially played by Robert Pat­tin­son, who never read the books and never misses an oppor­tu­nity to make fun of his own sculpted-browed character.

Harry Potter

‘Harry Pot­ter and the Pris­oner of Azk­a­ban’ 2004

Most emo line:
“HE WAS THEIR FRIEND!!!”

Favorite emo acces­sory:
An invis­i­bil­ity cloak, to hide his spon­ta­neous fits of cry­ing.

There is per­haps no hero more emo than boy-wizard Harry Pot­ter, who, among other things, strug­gles with school, girls, dead par­ents, abu­sive rel­a­tives, and an evil dark wiz­ard who con­stantly tries to mur­der him.  In a way, his emo-ness is prob­a­bly the most jus­ti­fied.  Some of Harry’s favorite activ­i­ties include mouthing off to teach­ers and Slytherins, alien­at­ing his two best friends, star­ing long­ingly at pretty Hog­warts girls, and wal­low­ing in the “nobody under­stands me” vari­ety of self-pity.  Played by Daniel Rad­cliffe, whose act­ing (thank­fully) seems to be get­ting bet­ter with each movie.

Anakin Skywalker

‘Star Wars: Episode III — Revenge of the Sith’ 2005

Most emo line:
 “Nooooooooooooooooooo!”

Favorite emo acces­sory:
A lightsaber, for mur­der­ing Jedi chil­dren.

Bet­ter known as Darth Vader, Anakin Sky­walker is the tragic anti­hero of the Star Wars uni­verse.  Played by a young and vir­ile Hay­den Chris­tensen, Darth Vader’s youth is a far cry away from the crusty old white man unmasked in the orginal Episode VI.  Unfor­tu­nately Christensen’s act­ing kinda sucks, so his ver­bal tran­si­tion to the dark side is often ripe with unin­ten­tional humor.  Anakin’s favorite hob­bies: dis­agree­ing with the Jedi Coun­cil, chillin’ with Darth Sid­i­ous, brood­ing over visions of Padme dying (then later help­ing the process along by chok­ing her—with his MIND), and whin­ing because he wasn’t bestowed the title of Jedi Mas­ter.  Now that I think about it, most evil over­lords act pretty emo, don’t they? I urge you to rec­og­nize the warn­ing signs.

The Phan­tom of the Opera

‘The Phan­tom of the Opera’ 2004

Most emo line:
“The world showed no com­pas­sion to me!”

Favorite emo acces­sory:
A mask that hides half of his hideous face.

Despite being 50% bru­tally hot and hav­ing a tremen­dous singing voice, the Phan­tom, an eter­nal pes­simist, refuses to rec­og­nize his inner beauty and instead uses his defor­mity as his jus­ti­fi­ca­tion for mur­der­ing, steal­ing, and of course, stalk­ing the beau­ti­ful Chris­tine Daae.  But it’s not actor Ger­ard Butler’s fault.  Gas­ton Leroux’s iconic Phan­tom of the Opera, once a ruth­less and fear­some char­ac­ter, has been emas­cu­lated into the whin­ing, cry­ing, opera-singing emo kid most peo­ple are famil­iar with today, thanks to Broad­way leg­end Andrew Lloyd Weber.  

Spider-Man

‘Spider-Man 3′ 2007

Most emo line:
“I don’t need your help!“

Favorite emo acces­sory:
His emo flip hair­cut.  

As if Peter Parker wasn’t emo enough—you know, cry­ing about his dead Uncle Ben and pin­ing over Mary Jane—in Spider-Man 3, Toby Macguire gets what can only best be described as an extreme emo makeover, ruin­ing an oth­er­wise decent third install­ment of the block­buster Mar­vel franchise.

Futher­more, WTF is this?
 

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